THE HUMOUR OF THINGS.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 41, 24 December 1920, Page 16

THE HUMOUR OF THINGS.

There wa3 a cheery little party who had. heen doing themselves very weil inaeed, and wer.e zigzagging in a bunch down a London street about 2 a.m. Presently they stopped before a big house, and a heated discussioii took place. At last ^one of them advanced and began poundmg upon the door. Immediately a female head appeared at a window on the first floor. "Are you — hic — Misshus Smith?" liiccoughed the man on the steps. ' Yes, I am!" snapped the lady. The other regarded lier with a fatuous smile. "My dear lady," he gurgled, "will you — hic — come down here — hic — and pick, out — hic — Mishter Smith? Resh of us want — hic — to get home!" It was very late in the "morning after the night before," but he still slept on, an armchair in his room doing duty as a bed, while he had forgotien to take off his dress clothes before putting on his pyjamas. At about noon a chum who had called round to see how he was get1 ing on was told by the landlady that she could not wake him. "I will," said the chum," and taking a big C'hinese cracker from his pocket he lit it and placed it under the chair in which our hero was sleeping. As it werxt off with a terrific bang he half opened his eyes and observed in a far-away voice, "Only half the soda, waiter," and went to sleep again. THE CADDY'S PROPER END. In a certain town is a lady, socially prominent, who enjoys the reputation of being a modern Mrs Malaprop. She is credited with having said once that she ; intended to hire a local clay modeller to | make a bust of her hand. On another occasion, referring to a trip she had taken in an aeroplane, she declared that she certainly was glad when the machine descended and she set foot once more on i terra cotta.. The latest speech attributed to her had to do with the ancient game ' of golf. "I've often thought," she said to a j friend, "that I'd like to take up golf, but ' somehow I've never gotten round to it; I and besides, I don't know the first thing J about playing it. Why, if I wanted to i hit the ball I wouldn't know which end of the caddy to take hold of." FRUITS OF POLITENESS. A guileless rustic who tried for a situa. tion on the railway emerged from the examination room and informed his expec- ! tant relatives that he was colour-blind. I "But you can't be," said his father ; j "you are no more colour-blind than 1 am. ' 1 "I know that feyther/b was the reply, j "but it all comes o' bein' polite." "What do you mean? Explain your- I self." j "Well, feyther, I went into the room an' a chap held something up for me to iook at. 'Come,' said he, 'this is green, lsn't it? You are positive it's green' — quite pleadin' like, an' t'nough I could see plain enough it was red, I couldn't find it in my heart to tell 'im so. So 1 agreed wi' him, and they bundled me out." HIS FATE. Two "kilties" from the same Scottish town met in a rest camp "somewhere in France," and started to exchange confidences. "Whit like a send-off did yer wuman give ye, Sandy, when ye left fur France?" asked Jock, presently. Sandy lit a fresh cigarette before re plying : "Says she, 'Noo, there*1 s yer train, Jock; in ye get, an' see an' do yer duty. By jingo, ma marmi.e, if I nocht ye wud shirk it oot yonder I wud see ye was wounded afore ye gang off!' That's the send-off she gaed me, Sandy.'