HUMOUR IN THE LAW COURTS.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 41, 24 December 1920, Page 6

HUMOUR IN THE LAW COURTS.

To the average individual. proceedings in the Law Courts would not appear to be a very promising field for the seeker after humour. And in general it is true that the business of the Courts is of such a nature that anything approaching levity would be quite out of place. In the Criminal Courts the cases are aften too momentous and generally too sordid ; in the Civil Courts, whilst they seem and may be are of great importance to the parties, they are, as a rule, very boring to mankind at large. Nevertheless even the sombre Halls of Justice sometimes ring with laughter at a witty sally or a humorous rejoinder. True, the laughter is speedily hushed, but tho wit is often b right, the humour genuine, if sometimes unconscious, as the following examples, selected from different sources, will show. Sir Edward Carson is one of the brightest (and most biting) wits at present practising in the Old Country. On one occasion he rose to cross-examine a witness with an obviously red nose. . "l7ou drink, my man!" he said bluntly. Witness : "That's my busmess!" Sir Edward: "Any other business?" Collapse of witness. On another occasion the Judge pointed out to him a discrepancy between the evidence of two witnesses— one a carpenter and the other a publican. "That is so, my Lord," said Carson. "Yet another case of difference between Bench and Bar." Jests concerning drinking recall a story told of Mr Plowden, perhaps the best known magistrate in the City of London. He was once asked if he had ever tried gin and ginger beecr. "No," he said, "but I've tried lots of fellows who have." Mr Hardinge Giffard, better known as Lord Halsbury, in a case where he appeared for a local body in South Wales, displayed great vehemence on behalf of his client. So much so that Baron Bramwell remarked on his enthusiasm. "You are not a Welshman, you know," he observed. "No," said Giffard, "but I have had a good deal out of them in my time." "Ah," said the Judge, "then we may take it that you are a Welshman by extraction." Bramwell, indeed, was a naturally witty man. It was he who invented the well-known classification of perverters of the truth. "Liars, d— d liars and expert witnesses." A case was once being tried before the Scotch Judge, Lord Young' — "Crabbe. v. Crabbie" was the name of it. "I may explain, m'lud," said the advocate, "that my client, Crabbe, is a nephew of our opponent, Crabbie, but a few years ago he dropped the 'i' in his name for the sake of euphony." "Oh," said the Judge, "he has Biblical authority for that — 'If thy 'i' offend thee, pluck it out."" But, as in other types so in Law Court humour, some of the most scintillating gems come from Ireland. Towards the latter end of the eighteenth century Curran probably stood supreme as t-hereadiest wit and most brilliant advocate in the Irish Courts. Small of stature and ugly of face he was endowed with a keem mind and a ready tongue. One burly counsellor who was once opposed to him tried to make capital out of his physical insignificance. "If you go on so, Mr Curran, I'll put you in my pocket." "Egad, if you do," retorted Curran, "You'll have more law in your pocket than you ever had m your head." Nor was he averse to giving the judges a "dressing-down." "If you say another word I'll commit you," shouted the Judge on one such occasion, To which

| Curran replied, "If your Lordship shall do so> we shall both of us have the consolation of reflecting that I am not the worst thing your Lordship has committed." Of present day Irish counsel Mr Timothy Healy is possessed of a rapier wit. He was once engaged in amarital case at Dublin as counsel for the husband, the defendant. The plaintiff's counsel made an impassioned address on behalf of his client, an address which moved both judge and jury to tears ; at length himself overcome, the advocate sat down and buried his face in his hands. Mr Healy rose, he looked at the Judge, he looked at the jury, he looked at the opposing counsel; again he let his eye travel round the weeping court and then began : "My Lord, never since Moses struck the rock has there been such a miracle," Irish witnesses too have been responsible for much of the humour of the courts. One was asked by the Judge if he knew what an alibi was. "Sure," said Pat, "it's just like this — it's to be afther proving that ye wasn't where ye was when ye committed a crime that, sure, ye never committed at all." Here is another specimen. Judge: "Mike, I wouldn't think that you would hit a little man like that." Mike: "Suppose that he called you an Irish slob." Judge: "But I am not an Irishman." Mike: "Well suppose he called you a Dutch slob." Judge : "But I am not a Dutchman." Mike: "Well, suppose that he called you the kind of slob that you are." Women in the witness box sometimes — only sometimes— get a bit flustered as witness one who when asked if all her children were born in wedlock, replied, "No, sir; they were a' born in Paisley. I've never been near the other place in my life." Quite clear and to the point was the reply of one who when asked, "Did your husband hit you between those dates?" answered "No, in the eye." Which is on a par with this one "Did you marry him on the spur of the moment?" "No, sir, at the Registry Ofilce." In conclusion let me tell the story of a case tried in a County Court, in an action for the wrongful detention of a donkey. The plaintiff was a costermonger j the defendant was a costermonger; they conducted the case in person. At one o'clock the Judge said: "Now, my men, I'm going to have my lunch, and before I come back I hope you'll settle your case out of court." i When he returned the plaintiff came ni with a black eye and the defendant with a bloody nose. The defendant said : "Well, your Honour, we's taken your Honour's advice; Jim's given me a dam good hiding, and I've given him back his donkey."