A COMPLETE HUMOROUS STORY. According to Plan.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 37, 26 November 1920, Page 14

A COMPLETE HUMOROUS STORY. According to Plan.

"Lummy," said Mr Terence Connor to himself, "What a soft snip!" He ran his long, slender friend "Jimmy" into a hip pocket and tlashed a limited circle of light round the dining room vvalls. All was as it should be. "N.ice little bit of silver by the look of it," he observed, as the beam lingered lovingly on the side-board. "I wonder — " Theii h,e shook his head. "No, Terry, my son," he advised himself, "According to plan," is your mptter, old bird. Pinehill' silver 'ain according to plan. YTou stick to the plan' ' and don't go hankerin' after sidelines." He slipped the ray along the wall waist high and came upon a door knob. "Into the 'all," he reminded him. .self. "Turn -right and straight on the libr'y. Key on the 'ook in the corner. 'Lord bless all yappin' skivvies,' says I." Gripping the handle by its narrow neck close up to its seating he turn.ed and slid the door open very quietly. His stockinged feet were noiseless on the carpet as, with a knuckle on the bead of the wainscotirig. he crept up the passage towards the rear of the house. A door breaking the line of the wainscot- pulled him up. "Drawing-room," said he. "All accordin' to plan ; now it's straight ahead to the libr'y." A few yards further brought him to the library door. He cautiously fiicked on his flash, stopping it down with hi3 fingers till a mere slit showed and found the key on its appointed peg. With the same elaborate care he opened and entered. Instantly the light dazzled him. Every lamp in the brilliantly-lighted little room sprang into action. He started violently, then softly closing the door stood still with his heart thumping madly, his scalp twitching and his npper lip drawn rat-like across bare teeth. Slowly the strain eased as eyes and ears brought no further cause for fear. Certainly the room was empty. There was not in the spare chamber a single nook to hide in. "Them shutters is alright," he assured himself with a grin. He bad studied the iron window shutters during a preliminary visit which he had paid to Lipsfield in his study of Bolshevik economics. "They let no light through, an' with the curtain over the door I reckon I'm safe enough. One of 'is lordship's clever tricks I take to save puttin' on the light. Very considerate, m' lord ! Thank you, m' loru ; I'm always 'appy to deal with one o' these 'ere scientific nobs." He had recovered from the shock of the sudden illumination but he was no less , careful. For a good two minutes he surVeyed the room without moving except to rub his back which was protesting against the damp, cold vigil in the smxbbery. On his right a clock ticked solemnly. "One of his lordship's 'ome-made," he concluded, noting the ungainly mass of it on J the lieavy bracket. At th,e other end of the room a huge convex mirror reflected nearly the whole department. There were not as many books as he expected and most of them wero quite modern. The solid ticking of the clock recalled him to business. Terence took a dislike to that clock. He fancied in it a curious resemblance to a human face and the liands, showing 3.40, looked like a mouth, a thin, cynical mouth that jeered at him. With an effort he shook the idea off. "What yer gettin' the wind up over a blighted 'ome-made clock-face, Terry, my lad? There's the box all dinkum, an' that's what you're after. Jess you hump it cff accordin' to plan." The large japanned deed-box which was his objective stood on a little settee before the desk in the very centre of the room. He paced cat-like up to 7t. "'Ome made too," he ruminated. "No trouhle gettin' inside that." Standing thus under the central light of the desk he lifted it by the handle in the centre of the lid A row of ventilating holes round the lower edge amused him. "S'p'ose 'is lordship keeps white rats in it," he said. "Blighted 'eavy for just a few sparklers anyway. Papers I reckon. Now Mr Blooming White Rat, you got to come along o' me on a visit to London." The flood of light annoyed him. It would show wdien he opened the door to return and he could find no switches. He settled the difficnlty uy removing the lamps one by one from their fittings and placing them in a neat row upon the desk. Then with the end of a curtain he hooded the last lamp, stole quietly out, locked the

. door, and made a tactful exit by the din-ing-room window. "A soft snip," he whispered to his friend Saville as he hopped into the waitio g car ten minutes later. "All accordin' to plan, old son. Let 'er rip." II. A little after lialf-past five of a bright spring morning Mr Saville drew up his two-seater at the entrance of Verity Mansions, Tottenham Court Road, and set down his friend Mr Connor with a large and somewhat weighty deed-box. Mr Connor, letting himself in at No. 75 on the third floor, deposited the box in the narrow hall and seated himself upon a couch in the dining-room where he rested from Ihe labours of the night. Some half hour later, his partner returned from stalling the car, and Mr Connor let him in. He had become impatient of delay. "You've come back, 'ave you?" he said. ""You've been long enough gone. 'And us a chisel, an' we'll get going." Mr Saville produced the implement from his pocket, and Mr Connor, taking the box with him, drcpped it hastily on the dining.-room table with an oath. "What's up?" growlcd Saville, lighting a cigarette and watching his companion's startled face with black suspicion. "The — the box," stammered the trembling Terence. "It — it sp — spoke ter me." "Oh, cut oqt the funny stuff," said Sav. ille, wearily. "We ain't got tirne to be j funny. Boxes don't talk." t "Of eourse not," admitted the box, quite j distinctly. "Can't be done. Take a fag like Savvy." Mr Saville's cigarette dropped from nis white lips, and he made for the passage calling on gods for whom hitherto he had no sort of use. Mr Connor was a very good second, Outside, and breathing hard, they surveyed one another with dismay. For a moment neither spoke, then "Sp — sp — spirits," suggested Terence, plaintively. "I ain't had any," returned Saville with vigour, "but I will." "Ghosts I mcan," explained Connor, "Spooks." "Strewth," said Saville quickly, "Don't j call it that, Terry. It — :it might not like it." "Well, I got a drop," admitted Connor, after a pause. "P'raps we'd better." He led Saville into *he kitchen, and they fortified themselves after the approved manner of the NetherLands. Mr j Saville grew confident again. "You got j the wind up," he said, putting down his glass. "Lummy, I thought you had j more neck." ! "Well, so did you," protested Terence. | "What df you expeet," retorted Saville, "with you squawkmg like a blighted ; parrot-house ?" Connor brought his fist down on the i table. "That's what it is," he said, ! "a blighted parrot. We'll wring its blooming neck." They opened the dining-room door and went in, half, expecting to find their plun. der sitting in an armchair smoking a pipe, ; but the box had uot moved. "Hullo!" it j remarked cheerily, "You've come back. I Have you been round the corner to the j Swan?" j With some effort they held their ground, I watching the cube of black japanned metal ■ with awe. Connor kept his hand on the i door knob At last Saville spo^e. "Are you — er, are you a — er, spirit, box!" The box laughed heart-ily, which was the more uncanny as it had nothing to laugh with. "No," it said at last, still chuckling. "I am a box." "That settles it," said Connor. "I never heard a parrot what talked s,ense." "Familiarity had, however, By now bred a certain limited contempt for tue phenomenon. Ibey watched in silence for a minute or two then, "Aw," cried Saville, ' what's the use of waiting? Let's Irave the lid off." I He produced the chisel and again walked forward to the iable and started to insert it in under the lid. At the first touch the box cried Squawk," loudly. Saville dropped the tool and rushed for the door. "The devil's in the damned thing," he said. "What can we do?" "Oh, take me home," moaned the box piteously, "Take me home, and 1 won't say a word about it."

"Ho! yes," replied Connor, noting the sign of weakness with satisfaction. He' seized the poker and brought it down viciously upon the lid. "Take that," he cried, "and we'll sae if you're so free with your back chat." He stepped back to survey the result of his work in breathless silence. "How dare you chip my enamel, sir?" thundered the box, angrily. "I will have no mercy. I will have no mercy. 1 will put- the police on you." "You've put the lid on it now," said Saville, wilting before the enraged casket. "That's torn it, sure. "Whaj, did you want to hit him for?" Connor was shaken too. "Oh, Mr — .er — 3Ir Box," he coaxed, stroklng the battered lid. "I didn't mean no 'arm ; it was just a joke like." "Then take me home, damn you," snapped the deed-box, erossly. "At once before I have you pinched." "Yes, yes," agreed the two delinquents feverishly. They felt like people irr an evil dream, but they had too much respect for that uncanny bit of japanned ware to take risks. "Certainly, Mr Box." "Take me home," reiterated the box. "I want my breakfast." "Of course," agreed Mr Saville, soothingly. "Sorry we forgot, Mr — er — Box. Breakfast, of course. Don't do anything hasty in the pinching line, Mr Box. Could you do with a little bit of bacon and some coffee through the keyhole?" It was some little time before "Mr Box" grew articulate. He spluttered and made a series of gasping explosions wiiich so startled his wide-eyed, pallid hosts that they clung to one another for support from the unheard-of menace of it. At last it said rather shakily, "I think, I think I'd better wait till I get home. Put on your bats and take me to Victoria." For a moment the rogues stared at one another aghast, then said Saville, - "Not blinking likely with you giving us to the first cop we see. " "M.v good man," said Mr Box grandly, "Don't let that worry you. I could have had 'em outside this door half-an-hour ago if I wished. Carry out my orders and you'll come to no harm." "What if we don't?" asked Connor, frowning at tlie keyhole, the niost- face-like portion of "Mr Box's" anatomy. "Mr Box" rattled with laughter, "Better hot inquire," he said, "I don't want to start shooting, but if you're not quick. . ..." There was a bang like the report of a pisiol. "Murderin' snakes," cried Connor. "'Where did that one go?" Instinctively thev put their hands above their heads. "It's a fair cop, said Sav. ilLe feebly. "Don't shoot, mate." "Now," went on "Mr Box," calmly. "Perhaps you'll take me home." "Certainly, sir," they assented in unison. "And no tricks, mind," said Mr Box. "No, sir," they agreed piously. In dejected silence they raised their guest tenderly and carried him with care into the street. Asking with deep respect at Victoria if Mr Box would travel first-class, Connor received the reply, "Don't be an ass, you fool, I travel on the hat rack." The reply lcept one of the p'orfers soher for months. III. Lord Lipsfield, -savant, millionaire, inventor, waking, as was his custom, at quarter to six, tubbed, slipped into his old easy working clothes and went downstairs to his libraiy. The hooded lamp gave him a slight shock. His glance turned to the place of the deed-box. "Tut, tut," said he ; "they've been at it again. He stood up tall and Jeonine, rumpling his shock of silver hair, a looX of vexation in his bright eyes. "And I meant to get on to the details of the 'Kappa' beam," he murmured plaintively. "Well, well." He strode across and threw the shutters rack, then he wound up the clock. This last was a rather intricate undertaking involving the removal of a cvlinder and the substitution of another. Having done this he un locked one of the bottom drawers of Iiis desk and took out three pieces of apparatus. Two of these were boxes fitted with trumpets that stood on pillars of vulcanite ; the third was an extremely large dictaphone which still revolved as he placed it on the desk. Adjusting the dictaphone for transcription he began to take down its record upon paper. The result with some sub-editing rans as follows "Click." "(The drive gate?). Voice : "A soft snip, All accordin' to plan, old son. Let 'er rip." A motor warming up — clutch let in (she knocks a good deal). Sound of motor now continuous. Down hill on handbrake ( Crawley ? ) . Voice: "Where are we now, Saville?

Croydon?" (Note Saville). Another voice, "We shall oe in by six Terry; don't you fret." Motor slowing— tram bells continnOU3 (Clapham or Brixton?). "Ster Bridge, Ster Bridg«," (PUnjlw a bus conductor). ™ Terry 's voice, "Ease 'er down, Savvy. No 'urry." "Tom Corrode. Tom Corrode. (Au. otlier bus conductor). Terry again, "Sharp right at The Swan Savvy. It's the second door, No. 75, on > the third floor. Yrou take the car 'ome. I won't touch 'em till you're back " Motor shuts off. The dictaphone slid on for a few minutes in complete silence. Then one of tho boxes on his lordship's desk remarked without warning, "Oh, you've come back 'ave you ? You've been long enough gone. 'And us a chisel and we'll get going." Lord Lipsfield's eyes brimmed with elfin mischief. IV. At eight o'clock Fipkin entered the library with slow state. "Breakfast is served my lord." His lordship hastily adusted the kev oontrols of his two firumpet boxles. "Would you ask her ladyship to excuse me for five minutes, and ask Mr Field to come here at once, please?" Mr Field hurried from the breakfast table. "Ah, Field," said his lordship, "sorry to interrupt your meal, but tho fact is we've been having a burglary." "I feared so," xeturned the secretary, "from the look of the dining-room window. Shall I 'phone the police, sir?" "No, no," returned the old man, testily. "It's only Lady Lipsfield's diamonds, They haven't taken my 'Remarks on the theory of ether.' Take this spool of him for immediate development to Hedges in the lab., please." "Very good, sir," said Field, taking the cylinder. "Only Lady Lipsfield's diamonds," he said to himself as he sped; "only £30,000 wortli." "Now," said liis lordship on his return, "if you will be so good as to sit here until you hear a voice say, 'Lipsfield Junction,' and then call as loudly as you can, 'Here's where I get out,' I shall be infinitely obliged to you." And straightway his lordship sought his breakfast. "Excuse my unpunctuality, my dear, "• he remarked to his wife, out the fact is someone has taken avvay your jewels. It's most provoking." Lady Lipsfield, in the act of passing a coffee-cup, stopped, put it carefully upon the table, raised her brows, and asked with icy cairn. "My jewels, Arthur, what do you mean?" "The necklace," he answered, "and the big hair affair. They've taken the whole bag of tricks." "I knew it would liappen," said her ladyship. "I'm awfully sorry," said her lordship penitently. "Sorry," she retorted. "When did you find out?" "When I carne down at about six o'clock this morning." "Well," said her ladyship, impatiently. "What have you done? Have you triej to trace them?" Lord Lipsfield rubbed his shaggy forelock ruefully. "Oh, I've traced 'em," he said. "They were taken to No. 75 in some flats off Totten Court Road, close to a public-house called The Swan, but l don't quite know where they are now." TJpon the acid of the debate came a parlour-maid pouring balm. "Two gentlemen to see your lordship," she said. "If your ladyship permits," said he, "may they came in? I think they will interest you. ' ' Lady Lipsfield sighed and nodded, and thereafter entered Messieurs Saville and Connor. "Please, your lordship," said Saville, "we brought him back as he directed. Mr Box, sir, he asked to come back. Strictly understood, no proceedings. "So," said her ladyship, "you informed the police after all, Arthur. I suppose you are detectives?" Mr Connor was too much amazed to reply, but his friend had more aplomb. "Not detectives, Madame," he said, not exactly detectives, though we study to keep closely in touch with them. "It was very kind of you to look after my deed-box," said his lordship. I hope you didn't find him unfriendly. He s a little inclined to he too chatty at times. Negligently he selected a key from 1ns bunch and fitted it into the lock. by the way," he added smiling, "you.haven t given him anything to eat, I hope ? He 9 always howling for grub." His eye caugbt the dent on the lid. "Your work, Mr Terry, I think," he said. "Strewth 1" said Connor. At that the box woke up. "Having breakfast," it remarked discontently. ' I ^ e been sitting here half an hour and haven t had a bite. Yes, Lipsfield's in an aimighty hurry."

"First word he's uttered since Iie told . us to ,get out at Lipsfield Junction," said Saville. "I hope your lordship knows that he promised to say nothing .about last night," "Arthur," said Lady Lipsfield, "fefcv® you got my necklace there?" His lordship 's reply was interrupted by the entrance of the secretary with th.e lab. oratory assistant. "The prints, nry lord," said Hodges. "Thank you, Hodges," said Lipsfield, "Now we can get to business. He unlouked the box and handed a tray to his lady. Mr Saville, more curious than dismajmd, ci'aned forward to see what he called in his own mind, "the little feller in the box." He wa® only rewarded with a sight of coils and cubes and circular discs. ' The scientist ran rapidly over the t-ape of photographic print in his hands. "I see," lie said smiling, "that you are not | acquainted with the later developments of the wireless telephones, Your friend, 'Mr Box,' is largely made up of receiving I and transmitting apparatus. During the | night a gramophone in my desk recorded every sound transmitted by the deed-box, and T'm afraid, gentlemen, that it was merely my own voice in my library which gave you such a shoek when you started to operate. By the way — ." He examined the prints in his hands. "I see, Mr Terry, that at 8 minutes 15 seconds to four this morning you suffered some discomfort in your hack. It suggests lumhago to me, and I would advise thermogene wool. This outdoor work doesn't suit you. Why not settle down?" "Absolute wash-out," said Connor feebly. "Was you a-looking at me, sir?" _>ct exactly," expiained his lordship, "but the library clock has a hioscope arran.gement — twelve pictures a minute beginning from when you open the door, and what the camera does not see the mir. ror shows it. Quite ingenious, I think." "Arthur," said her ladyship. "I always knew you were a genius." The old man blushed like a boy. "By the way," he said, "you'll want somethin.g to eat after your journey. Fipskin will take you downstairs. I have been looking for a couple of handy men in my workshop. Men whom I can trust not to give away my designs ; whom I have some little hold ov.er — say, such asaset of photographic prints or a gramophone record. I pay a very -fair wage, and the work is interesting. Saville grinaed knowingly. "Aren't you taking risks, my lord?" he said. "Oh, no," said the old man, cheerily. "You haven't seen the whole bag of tricks you know. Anyhow, I don't want to know your past record. If you want to make a f resh start, now's your tinre. " Mr Connor looked at Mr Saville, and Mr Saville looked at Mr Co nnor. "Blowed if I don't chance my luek," said the former. "I was a first-class plumber once." "Then you shall plumb,". said Lipsfield. "By the way, Field, you said just now in the library you hadn't had a bite. N.either have J. Ring up the kitchen, and we'll try a bit of bacon through the keyhole, according to plan." THE END.