IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 37, 26 November 1920, Page 11

IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

Among the conditions of sale by an Irish auctioneer was the following : "The highest bidder to be the purchaser, unless some gentleman foids more." Hannigan — "Shure, these scales is no good at all for me. They only weigh the heft o' 200 pounds, an' Oi'm near to 250." Flannigan — "Well, man alive, can't ye git on thim twice?" Mr Hogan, after hammering on the door for five minutes : "Is it dead or alive ye are?" Mr Grogan, within : "Nayther; I'm shlapin'." An Irish crier at Dublin being ordered to clear the court, did so by this announcement, "Now, then, all ye blaekguards that isn't lawyers must lave the coort." At a legal investigation of a liquor seizure the Judge asked an unwilling witness "what was in the barrel that you had?" The reply was, "well, your Honour, it was marked 'whisky' on one end of the barrel, and 'Pat Dufl'y' on the other end, so that I can't say whether it was whisky or Pat Duffy was in the barrel, being as I am on my oath." Judge (to officer) — "What is this man charged with?" Pat— ""Bigotry, yer honour." Judge — "Bigotry? Why; what's he been doirg?" Pat — "Married three women, yer honour." Judge — *0Yhree ! That's not bigotry; that's trigonometry." Casey — "I was much moved by a speech I ho.trd yestiddy." "Wot was it?" "A park cop ' 'gettinblazes^-A afhere !' " Casey — "Come, lei's go and have a drink, Mike ?" Mike — "No, thankye; I just hadx two with Clancy, and a third v/ouldn't bo half en?ugh." Mrs Dolan — "I thkik you have such an original husband." Mrs Dooley — "Origin%il nothing! He's my third, and I'm his fourth." A bachelor being told by a priest that marriages were made in heaven doubted '.t and taking a piece of paper from his pocket wrote : "Though matches are all made in heaven, they say, Yet Hymen, who mischief oft hatches, Sometimes deals with the house t'other side of the way, And there they make Lucifer matches." The late William Terries, seeing a novel car covering which was recommended for the cold weather, bought it .an& gave it to his old coachman, Pat O'Brien, who could thus protect himself while waiting for Mr Terries at night. Pat was profuse in his gratitude, but a nlght or two later Mr Terries notived that he was not wearing the muffler. "WThy have you given it up so soon?" he asked. "Well, sir," was the man's reply, "it was werry comfortable, but you see, sir, I found out t'other night that when I 'ad my ears covered a friend 'ad asked me to have a drink an' niver 'eard 'im at all."