IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 35, 12 November 1920, Page 13

IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

Casey — "Oi see there's bin another rail. road wreck due to an open switch." Cassidy — "Ay, 'tis a pity some wan don't invint a switch thot'U stay shut when it's open." Doctor — "Now that you are convalcscing you make take a little animal food." Patient — "No, sir. Oi dhrank your grool all right, but Oi'll be dom'd if Oi can chew your sthraw." "Moving again, Casey?" asked Murphy, as Casey came out of the gate with a wash-tub tightly clasped in his arms and trailing a mirror behind him. "Yes," moaned the afflicted man, mopping his perspiring brow ; "I'm going to leave this hole." "What for? Don't you like the neighbourhood?" "Oh, no, not that; the neighb.ours are all right." "Water not good, maybe?" "No better can be found." "T-he rent hasn't been raised, has it?" "No. That's the reason I'm going to scek another house." "What!" exclaimed .t-he surprised Murphy; "movinfg from a place because the rent has not been raised. Surely you don't object to that, Casey?" "No, I do not," sadly r.eplied Casey, as he started back for the kitchen set of furniture; "but the landlord does — you know." An Irish coaple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls;" received a homeiy lecture from their spiritual adyi'ser, regardiixg their disgraceful-, quarrels. "Why, that dog and cat- you liave agres better than you." The r,eply somewhat . upset him : ' i. 'yer riverence'll toie xbf-m tigither, ye'll soon change yer moind." Spovtsxnan — "Is there much good hunting in these parto, my good man ?" Native — "Sure, there's plenty hunting, but dommed little findmg." "Michael," said his employer, "you are looking very rocky this morning." "Yis, sor," replied the driver of the deli v,ei y wagon. "Oi've a bad headache, Oi was at the clxristening last night-, sor, an' the kid was the only one in the crowd that took water." As a gentleman was steppin.g from his carriage in Hai'risburg to take the train for Philadelphia liig coachman said: "The oats are getting low, sir." "Very well," said the gentleman; "you telephone Miller and Jones t-o send up some." Mike went to the telephone, when the following conversatioxi took place : "Is this Miller and Jones?" ' "Yes." • "WiH. you sind up six bags of oats, and hurry up with 'um." "All right, who are they for?" "Arrah, now, don't you get gay — for the horses, to be sure," and Mike rang off. Murphy — "What would you do if you woke up some fine morning and found that you had inherited ten thousand doilars?" Casey— "I'd just roll over and try to di'oam it over again." Nora — "Phat time shall I be lookin' fur y,e to call this evening', Terry dear?" Terry — -"Phat time do the old man be afther puttin' 6n his slippers?" Il.oolihaxx — "Phwat's the matter wid ye, Curran ?' ' Curran— "It's the hay fever Oi hov." itoolihau — "An' hovvi did yez get it?" Curran — "From shlapin' on a straw bed, av coorse. Aixy ould fool'd ixnow thot." "Really, Mrs O'Toole," said Mrs Na}*bor, "you should send little Denis to the kindergarten." "Phwat koind av a thing is that?" demanded the cont-ractor's wife. "Kindergarten? Oh! that's simply German for "Enough said, ma'am. Oi'll hov no Dutch in moine, thank ye koindly ma'am."