SHORT STORIES.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 34, 5 November 1920, Page 16

SHORT STORIES.

TO BE OR KOT TO BE. I'd rather be a Could Be If I could not be an Are; For a Could Be is a Maybe, With a chance of touching par. I'd rather be a Has Been Than a Might Have Be'en by far; For a Might Have Been lias never been, But a Has was once an Are. — Stanford ■ Chaparral. NEEDLESS. "Can your little baby brother talk yet?" a kindly neighbour inquired of a small lad. "No, he can't talk, and there ain't no reason why he should talk," was the disgusted reply. "What does he want to talk for, when all he has to do is yell a while to get everything in the liouse that's worth having?" Foreman : 'Ere, do you know 'Opkins carries twice as. much as you at a time? Workman: Yus. I've told 'im abaht it, but 'e will do it. NOT HER IDEA OF IIEAVEN. The conversation around the long dinner table ended, as do most conversations j nowadays, with the subject of spiritualism. The guests and the members of the family gave their opinion§ as to whether or not the dead could communicate with the living, but it remained for "Sw,eet Sixteen" to present the only original thought on tne subject. "It's liard enough now for me to. keep up my correspondence," sbe said. "When I die I want a r,est." AS USUAL. "Oh, Mr Mark, please buy a ticket to our entertainment ! It is Uor a mqst wortliy cause, I assure you." "Certainly, Mrs Clatter! And1 what is that cause?" % "Paying the expenses of the entertainment we gave last week for a worthy cause." •> A POPULAR AUTHOR. "It took me nearly ten years to learn that I couldn't write stories." "I suppose you gave it. up then?" "No, no. By that time I had a reputation established and didn'fc have to. NOT SO FUNNY. Mrs Perkins and- Mrs Johnson had met on the street and were discussing the frailties of their mutual friends when Mrs Johnson's little daughter, who was inter-est-edly regarding Mrs Perkins' new spring chapeau, suddenly burst out : "Mother, I — " "Hush, darling," said the mother. "Mother — H "Will you be quiet!", "Mother, Mrs Perkins' hat doesn't make me laugh !" A SPORTING PARSON. Mistress : I see the new curate has called. What is he like, Smithers? Butler (who had noticed that the curate was dressed for golf) : He had the appearance, my lady, of being out of 'oly orders for the day. IN NEW YORK. * "Did the captain do anything to* clean up the precinct?" "Some say ha got sixty thousand in a month." There are people who, instead of listening to what is being said to them, are listening already to what they are going to say.