IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 33, 29 October 1920, Page 4

IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

A lady one day in need of eome sniall change called downstairs to the cook and inquired : "Marj7, have you any 'coppers' down there?" "Yes, mum, I've two; but if you please, mum, they're botli me cousins," wras the unexpected reply. An Irishman, describing the trading powers of the genuine Yankee, said, "Bedad, if he wa« cast away on a deeolate island, he'd get up the next morning, and go round selling maps- to the inhabitants." An Irishman, newly appointed crier in the county court in California, where there were many Chinese, was ordered by the judge to summon a witness to the stand. "Call for Ali Song !" was the command. Pat was puzzled for a moment. He glanced shyly at the judge, and found him as grave as an undertaker. Then, turning to the specta*rs, he blandly simpered : "Gentlemen, would any of you favour his lionour with a song?" "What trade are you?" "Shure, now, your honcur, an I'm a sailor." "You a seafaring man ! I question whether you were ever at sea in you life." "Shure, now, an' does your lionour think I came over from Ireland in a waggon?" An honest Hibernian, being in bed in a great storm, and told that the house would tumble over his head, made answer : "What care I for the house? I am only a lodger." Polite Conductor : "Shall I help you to alight, inadame?"

Misfi Murphy : "Much obleeged, young tnan, but I don't smoke." An Irishman charged with assault, was asked whether he was guilty. "How can I tell-, your honor, till I have heard the evidence?" was the reply. A. wag who thought to have & joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer said, "Can you supply me 'with a. yard of pork?" "Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman three pig's feet.' "I meant to have told you oE that hole," said an Irishman to a friend, who had fallen into a pit in the IrMiman's garden. "No matter," said Pat, "I've found it.v An Irishman was asked if his horse was timid. "Not at all," said he ; "he* frequently spends the night by himself in a dark stable."

An Irish lady was up before a judge for assault on one Patrick Gilhooly. Judge : "The testimony proves that you threw a brick at this man." The Lady: "The testimony proves more than that, judge, It proves I hit film . ' A priest the other day, who was examining a confirmation class in. the South of Ireland, asked the question, "What is the Sacrament of Matrimonv?" A little girl at the top of the class answered : "Plaze, your riverence, ' tig a state into which sowls enter to prepare them for another and a better world." "Put her down," says the curate, "put her down to the fut of the class." "Lave her alone," said the priest, "for anythin you or I know to the contrary she may be perfectly right." A man arrested for murder bribed an Irishman on the jury with a hundred dol. lars to hang out a verdict of manslaughter. The jury were out a long time and finally to hang out for a verdict of manslaughter. The man rushed up to the Irish juror and said, "I'm obliged to you; my friend. Did you have a hard time?" "Yes," said the IrishmHn. "A h — 1 of a timo. The other eleven wanted to acquit yer." Inquisitive Party : "And do you go up that ladder all day long?" Pat: "No, sur ; half of the toime oi come down." Ellen, how did it happen that when we came in last night aiter the theatre, there was a policexnan in the kitchen?" Shure, mum, Oi don't know; but Oi think the thayather didn't last as long as usual !" Reporter : "It is said that yourself and your comrade, Mooney, were cairn and collected after the dynamite explosion at the quarry." 0 Toole : "Wull, it was loike this, Oi was cairn an' Mooney was collected!"