Passing Notes.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 32, 22 October 1920, Page 6

Passing Notes.

BY JACQUES.

* z Laugh where we must, be candid where we can. — Pope. * t

The churches in Australia are up in arms against Conan Doyle and his spiritiualism. Two of a trade did never agree. In last week's "Digger" : "Creel" sings daintily of "the fishes that lie in the west." Well, that's where they differ from the fishers, who lie everywhere. The "News," reporting the death of a New Zealander in Chicago, states that "at one time of his death he was Mayor of Foxton." Wonder what he was at the other times. Must have been a long drawn out affair. Paddy's proposal to lengthen the short plank by cutting a piece off one end and tacking it on the other may have been laughable, but not one whit more so than Mr Massey 's seheme of cheapening butter for us. Instead of paying three shillings — the proper market price — for that delectable but necessary commodity, our square deal friend, in his large benevolence, is going to see that we get it for two shillings and threepence, himself to pay the other ninepence out oi his own pocket— that is, the consolidated revenue. A brilliant scheme, truly, if only the consolidated revenue wrere the purse of Fortunatus. Unfortunately, however, it is not. There is nothing in that pocket of William the Conjuror, to pay either for butter or anything else, except what we put there. It looks well in print, it sounds nice to the ear, to be told that our breakfast table burden is to be lightened to the extent of ninepence per pound of butter— or, to use the large figures that Bill loves— £600,000 per year for the lot of us; but the very plain fact is that we are going to continue paying three shillings a pound for our butter — two and threepence over the counter and . ninepence tlirough the consolidated revenue. It is exactly as though one robbed us of a fiver, and then made a present of it to us, and demanded our gratitude for it. Truly, it looks as though William has written us all down in his big list of fools. I wonder if he is right. In the bitter controversy raging round the Ne Temere question, much has been said about the poltroonery of anonymity. In fact, somo of the disputants seem more concerned about their opponerxt's identity

than with their arguments. In a purely personal quarrel such reproach might have some weight, but, for the life of me, I cannot see any harm in a participant in a discussion on any general, impersonal matter withholding his name. Even where the motive is self-defensive it may be rather prudential than cowardly. Why should any man have something of value to contribute to a controversy on an open question be compelled to liold his tongue or pen because of possible injurious consequences to himself, his wife and little ones, that might follow on disclosure of his identity. I will go farther, and say that in most such discussions anonymity is even desirable, since it gives the various \ arguments a better chance of being ap- J praised at their real value. As it is, in \ considering and weighing them we are too ( apt to permit our judgment to be influenced by the social position, reputation etc., of those advancing them. Even the letters of "Junius" might have had less weight had it been known that they eame from some obscure denizen of Seven Dials. A young lady, after l'eading an anthology, remarked that by far the best poems in the book were those by Mr Anon. Similarly, the best arguments- are often those of the nameless contributors to discussions. And, really, in these matters it is with arguments that we have to deal, rather than persons. We all, of course, endorse Mr Drewe's demand for fuller recognition by shipping companies and others of the claims of Bluff as- a. port of trade. There is, however, one aspect of this question which should certainly not be overlooked. That is, the utter inadequacy of our local rolling stock to any increased pressure. At present a single large boat discharging any quantity of cargo at Bluff strips every Southland line of practically every wheel, with the result that the farmer, sawmiller, and others are held up for a week or fortnight at a time. Any sudden and considerable increase in shipping activitiea

at Bluff would simply mean chois in the interior. Certainly the diversion of trade from other ports to our own would release a proportion of rolling stock from the northern lines, but would we, in view of the Dominion shortage, get sufficient of it to meet our greater requirements ? Yrey doubtful — unless we can, and do, squeeze 4he Government pretty hard. It was not a cheerful face that Bill showed over the back fence yesterday. "Look 'ere, Jax," he commenced, "the H.C.L. isn't the only thing that keeps a bloke poor these days. There's an 'ell of a lot of others. Testimonials Is one of 'em." I was puzzled for a moment, but knew that the explanation would soon come. Presently I received it. "It's like this, Jax. There's a big crowd, big an' little down at the workshops, an' every now an' then, something 'appens to one or other of 'em. P'raps one gets promoted, or 'as a shift, or gets married, or 'e's been ten years in the shop, or 'as a birthday, or 'is wife surprises 'im with twins, or someone belonging to 'em snuffs out, or 'e scores a goal for 'is side, or 'e goes for an 'oliday, or comes back from one or some blanky thing or other. Wotever it is, or isn't, some flamin' tout goes round with the 'at to "present 'im with some slight token of esteem" (as the blanky papers say) in the shape of a watch an' chain, or an armchair, or pic'ure, or some other blasted thing that 'e either doesn't want or 'as got already. (I notice, Jax, that no one ever things of givin' tokens of esteem to the poor deviis who could realiy do with 'em.) Anyway, it's "stand an' deliver" ; yeh've gotter fork out yer five or ten bob an' look pleasant. Of course, yeh can button up if yeh like, but what sorter a name are yeh goin' to get among yer shop mates. If it was only once in a long while a feller'd take no notice, but when they strike yeh every few weeks it makes yeh sit up. Many a five or ten bob that would look fine 011 some poor kiddie's feet goes into the 'at simply because the old man 'asn't got the pluck to buck. Wish to 'ell somebody'd start an anti-testi-monialisin' society, something like those j anti-shoutin' affairs. Betjer there'd be a hallelujah rush for badges."

KINGS AND PRINCES I HAVE MET. H.M. GAVIN THE BRIGHT UN. Sometime between fifty and a hundred years ago was born this most remarkable man of modern times — the Latter Day Luther, as he has been aptly styled. No mere paltry maker of nations he; his achievements have been on a far grander, loftier scale, and have won for him a fame that will never die — at least, for some time yet. For he it was who, alone and unaided, discovered and revealed to Christendom its abysmal and appaling ignorance on matters theological, and who thrust the enlightening torch of his transcendent genius into the Cimmerian gloom of the last twenty centuries, dispelling it forever and thereby gaining for himself the surname, or soferiquet of "The Bright One" — latterly contracted to "Brighton." As in the case of most great achievements, his methods were very simple. He just smothered up every other thenlogical system by one of his own manufacture, which, since it is more intricate, incomprehensible and bewildering than any of its predecessors, is eminently satisfying to himself, and entitled to the greater respect and awe of ordinary mor-

tals. It was to glean some details of this scheme and his methods of propagating it that I waited on him at his palace at Nightcaps. I found him absorbed in the endeavour to calculate the abstruse points of difference between Tweedledum and Tweedledee. My interruption compelled a postponement of his final decision on this important question. He showed no signs of impatience, however, but greeted me with a hospitable kindliness that utterly belied the natural ferocity of his appearance. And I had my reward. In fact I learned so much of his formula for theology building and propaganda that I am quite sure that with the necessary qualities and capital I could set up in that line mvself to-morrow. It seems that the only, or at any rate

the chief essentials are the quality of cussedness ; the gift of lightning volubility; a long and active forefinger, a Greek Bible, and a fair supply of five pound notes.; With these one is at once invulnerable and irresistible. They are used, with, perhaps, certain necessary 1 modifications at times, as follows : The quality of cussedness enables one at any time to differ from anybody and everybody on anything and everything theological that they may think, say or do. It is also useful in suggesting diabolical methods of inveigling poor nnser-

able wretches into disputes that they had no intention of entering into, and are afterwards astonished to find themselves engaged in. In the latter respect, he explained, this quality can often be raised to an exalted place among the fine arts. Lightning volubility, or the capacity for saying more in less time than any other three men together, is an inestimable gift. By its free exercise one can get in three arguments to the slower opposition' g one. By ita use one can fire into the other fellow food for thought at such a rapid pace that the poor devil hasn't time to think at all. Then he gets confused, and one has him on. the hip. Should the opposition — or victim — show signs of restiveness, one brings the long forefinger into action, shooting it through his buttonhole and thereby preventing his escape. No matter if one's adversary's eyes are bloodshot and he is foaming at the mouth, that finger must not relax ita gripping eurve. The Greek Bible is simply invaluable, used either offensively or defensively. For instance, should one's opponent seem to score a point by a quotation from the English version of the Bible one has merely to declare it a mistranslation, and show him the corresponding passage in the Greek Bible to prove it. As Greek print looks to the average man like pictures of magnified microbes, and as nobody can read magnified microbes, one is quite safe. Besides, the possession of a Greek Bible gains for one a reputation for erudition. The fivers he designates his "clinchers." If a proposition is advanced that one cannot disprove then the proper course is to produce a fiver and- off er it to the opposition if he can prove it. As in all systems of theology nothing can be either proven or disproven, one's fivers are absolutely' secure. And the offer confounds and cheapens the opposition, and impresses the audience with a sense of one's own wealth and the strength of one's position. After these few preliminary instructions and observations, he settled dowm to outline the details of his own special theological system. He spoke so rapidly during the next six or eight hours that it was often difficult to follow him. But, as far as my disjointed notes and memory serve me, I understand that there is 110 heaven (he'd give me a fiver if I could prove there was) ; there is no hell (I felt relieved)-, because if there was it would

be a hell of a place (another fiver) ; that the Bible really doesn't mean exactly what it means (fiver) ; that not Moses, but another fellow of the same name wrote the Pentateuch (fiver) ; that the Book of Ezekiel, rightly interpreted, was a complete treatise on evolution (fiver) ; that the Greek for Jeremiah was not Omomomoi, as commonly supposed( but Oimoimoimo (fiver, together with the Greek Bible this time) ; that the Fourth Chapter of Revelations clearly and unmistakably foreshadowed the present rise in the price of butter (fiver) ; that Adam had no navel (fiver) ; that the Tower of Babel was built from the top downward (fiver) ; that the Chinese constitute seven of the lost Ten Tribes of Israel (fiver) ; that the Scarlet Woman typified the modern press (fiver) ; that everybody was wrong but His Majesty, Gavin Bright Un (fiver) ; and that At this moment I heard the welcome whistle of the morning train, and, overjoyed at the opportunity of escape, I hurried off, fervently hoping that my next interview would be with someone who had no particuiar theological views to air.