Passing Notes.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 31, 15 October 1920, Page 6

Passing Notes.

BY JACQUES.

Laugh whare we must, be candid where we can. — Pope.

Two local wool magnates have awaiting them, as their sliares of surplus wool profits, cheques for twopence and threepence respectively. Greasing the fat pig's tail again ! Mr Wilford has discovered that petrol, even in small quantities, can be landed here at 23/- per case. Perhaps the Prices Investigation Committee will find out something about it later on. A few days ago the "Times" reported that the local clink had put up a Dominion record in that it had been absolutely untenanted for a whole fourteen days — and nights. This fact — if fact it is — demarids investigation. Of course there are some who will be ready with their glib explanations, but the phenomenon admits of other interpretations than theirs. Can it be, for instance, that the accommoda • tion afforded by our most prominent institution has fallen so far behind the requirements of this progressive age that even the convivial and paralytic — who are by no means pernicketty, as a rule— turn np their noses at it ? If so, no time should be lost in removing this reproach and restoring onr fine old pnblic hostelry to its former proud position in the public favour by furnishing it with all the comforts of a hom3, and otherwise making it as attractive as possible. Such a course would, moreover, free the John Hops from the danger of drifting into tbe ranks of the unemployed. Consider the rates, how they grow. Within the last five or six years they have advanced nearly cent. for cent., and it is now nearly as costly to own your own home as it was to pay rent before the war. This would not be so bad, perhaps, if we received anything like fair value for our money, but one has only to look at our waterhole footpaths and grass grown, stone quarry s.treets to realise what a very sraall quid he is getting for his Kar'd earned quo. Is it not about ..time that we began to consider the matter of replacing our present cumbrous and effete methods of municipal administration by something on the lines of the American system of government by commission ? This system, which places the administration of the various departments absolutely in the hands of responsible experts — has been in force for years in the United States. No town, large or small, that has once tried it, has ever gone back on it, and every • year it is being adopted by others who have closely watched its opei'ation elsewhere. Among it*s results are more efficient service, more economical administration, the elimination of corruption, eto. Losses have been changed to gains, bankrupt municipalities have been restored to solvency, rates and taxes have been reduced, and in many other ways the system has jqstified itself. The experiment is worth a trial, I think. Mr Massey is still tinkering with the matter of the reform of the Legisiative Council. When he has finished we will probably still be somewhere in the vicinity of where we were before. It is a pity - that, instead qf all this patching and remaking, the whole abomination were not scrapped at once. There is no logical reason for the survival* of this representative and symbol of medieval privilege at the present day. At one time the bi-cameral Parliament may have been necessary, or, at least, understandable, but it is difficult to find a sound reason for its being in this democratic age and country. Where it endorses the will of the people, as expressed in their more representative chamber, it is superfluous, and where it thwarts that expressed will it is undemocratic and mischievous. Even its supposed. chief function of checking hasty legislation could be performed equally well, and at considerably less expense, by a revisory committee elected by, and from, the "lower" House. But perhaps this suggestion is seditious. "Jax," said Bill savagly, "Those patent medicine ads. are about called in." I looked an inquiry, and he explained. _ "Y'avent seen the missis lately, an' I'll

tell yeh why. 'Bout a month ago some swina threw over the front fence a bundle of those little books that ask yeh if yeh 'av© any specks beforfe the eyes, an' pains in the back, an' other things, an' if yeh 'ave yeh want to take Purple Pellets at once unless yeh want to die. Well, the old woman got 'old of these an' started raadin' 'em. Next mornin' she 'ad 'eart disease; said she could reckernise the symptoms from the book. I'ad to get me own breakfast, while she sent one" of the kiddies for half a dozen large size boxes (three times the quantity of the smaller ones) of the pellets, together with some of the tonic that makes 'em work better, an' some of the ointment for local application, an' other things to complete the outfit and cure yeh in no time. Me and ihe kids 'ad to get our own meals an' do all the 'ousework while the missis took the pellets an' read some more of those blanky books. After a week or so, she found out that it wasn't 'eart disease at all, but Bright's disease an' consumption. So she dropped the pellets and the other things, an' started on a new tack, this time Pulmonoleo an' Uricocide Backache Pills for the liver, kidneys, stomach an' other parts of yer flamin' anatomy. Also the tonic an' ointment an' plasters an' other things that went with these, too. She consumed quite a lot of these before she found, through readin' more of the symptoms in -another book, that she was on the wrong traek, an' that it was really appendicitis, with complications, that was the trouble with 'er. So off she sends for some of the Magie Mixture (an' more . tonic an' pills an' other stuff) that was the only thing that could save 'er after the doctors gave her up an' all other things 'ad failed. At present she's on a course of Salvation Syrup (with more pills an' 'etceteress) for chronic dyspepsy — which is what is the matter with 'er accordin' to the symptoms in the Syrup book. Asked the doctor the other day what he thought about it, and 'e said there was nothin' wrong with '.er at all, only that she 'ad been scared by those advertisin' books. When I told 'er this she said the doctor was a fool, an' that if I wasn't an unsympathisin' brute. I could see for myself that she was at death's door. The 'ouse is chock full of medicine bottles an' misery ; it's just awful. I think the Gov. ernment should stop these medicine blokes scaring people out of their lives, an' making others wish to 'ell that they were dead." KINGS AND PRINCES I HAVE MET. KING SLANDAN FERGUSON. I must confess that my interview with the King of Necropolis, though interesting and instructive, was not exactly exhilarating. True, his welcome was very cordial and his manner most affable, but I thought I detected a note of insincerity in his expressed hope that I was quite well. Also it seemed to me . that a shadow of disappointrnent momentarily clouded his classic feature3 when I assured him that I had just been. rnedically passed as a first-class risk for insurance. Then he remarked hopefully that the editor of the "Digger" had not been looking too well lately, and perhaps — — . But again I shattered his optimistic anticipations by informing him that I brought absolutely no prospect of immediate business, that I had been sent merely to make enquiry into the present condition and futur© prospects of his — er — profession. Obviously disappointed, but still courteous, his Majesty invited me to be seabed, and hlmself settled in an easy chair to answer my queries. Yes, he admitted, there had certainly been a most serious falhng ofl, amountlng in fact to a slump, in business lately, nor, at present, did future prospects appear very rosy. Quite a number of factors contributed to this melancholy state of affairs, but easily foremost among them stood the two following : First he would place the present H.C.D. — which, he explained, meant the Higb Cbst of Dying. Though the High Cost of Living had made most men long to chuck the sev — er — pass over to that blissful bourne where everything Is free, yet expiring had now also become such an expensive matter that

hundrods, who under other, happier circumstances would long ago have snuff — er — decently defuncted were deferring the process in the hope of a possible fall in prices. At present, however, he could offer no comfort to these; there seemed every prospect of dying remaining a luxury for the well-to-do only for a long time yet. Another cause, he proceeded, for the present unsatisfactory state of business was to be found in the regret — er — remarkable wave of rude health which seems to have swept like a curse — er — blessing over the community. Our late East winds, smallpox, and other things had given reason for .hope, but, alas ! folks seemed somehow to have acquired a most damnab — er — wonderful power of resist'anee to these infiuences. Possibly another epidemic might strike us, when things would brighten up again ; in the meantime, however, the position was most discouraging. In fact, if it were not for the doctors, motor hogs, and those fellows who "didn't know it was loaded," the whole trade would be threatened with disaster. To the doctors, particularly, he feit that he owed no small measure of gratitude and esteem. Were it not for their kindly favours — well, he did not know how he would manage to get & crust. The motor hog also, as providing an impetus to trade, was not to be despised; while the man who "didn't nkow 'twas loaded" was easily deserving of a national testimonial. Yes, he reflected — in answer to a further question — there were certainly some emharrassing features about his profession. For instance, for one in the line to inquire about the condition of a friend's health was sure to excite a fierce suspicion as to motives, and he knew of more than one Iifelong friendship that had been ruptured by this simple cause. Again, to congratulate a convalescent on his recovery was to find oneself at once bracketed with Arnnanias and Tom Pepper and other illustrious liars. Tlien there was the difficulty about advertising effectively. One could not, for instance, follow the Iead of the drapers and others, and "invite inspection of our fine display of coffins," or announce that "caakets would be sent on appro," that "for quality, style, and finish they were unequalled," or "money back if not satisfied after one week's trial," or that one "will be pleased to see old customers and welcome new ones," or that one's coffins "once tried are always used," and so on. Yes, the industry had its disadvantages. Perhaps the greatest of all was the necessary suppression of all display of natural feelxng. When other business potentates struck & bonanza they could throw up their hats and dance a can-can in the public streets. But in his profession ,~4he more occasion there was for glee jtbe more sad and solemn one had to look, and it was not even safe to rub one's hands . together in satisfaction until one had reached the dark privacy of tbe coal cellar. Still, he added, brightening somewhat, it had its compensations. Chief among these was the wide scope that it afforded for the free exercise of the artistic faculty. Everything was designed with a view not to utility only, but to beauty and fitness. To illustrate this he led me into the "Casket Room," where, among many others, was a delightful creation in rosewood, gilt handles, and pink silk. Now this, he explained, would require very slight alterations to bring it into tasteful harmony with my complexion, besides being, as he could tell at a glahce, as good a fit as if it had been made to my order. Proceeding then to the Hall of Statuary, he directed my attention to a beautiful piece of sculpture, representing a pioned angel about to take its flight from the pinnacle of a lofty marble pedestal. This, he suggested, would be eminently suitable for me, since it symbolised the purity of my life and hinted at my future pleasant destination. With my name and my many sterling qualities inscribed thereon, it was a thing that I might well be proud to lie under up at the East Road Ossuary. He could do the two — the casket and monument — at a reduction, and throw in the inscription by way of a bonus, besides storing them for me until required. I thanked him fervently, and regretted thatj besides being reluctant to trespass too far on good nature, other engagements then due prevented my remaining to discuss at greater length snch a fascinating subject, So bidding him a hasty adieu I hurried away, and it took three tidy spots out of the editor' s private supply to restore my disturbed equanimity.