IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 26, 10 September 1920, Page 4

IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

Someone threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once. He paused a second, and said : "Gentlemen, I only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was not bothered any more during the remainder oi' his spcljh. Brady : "Did ye hear about poor Flannery ?" O'Grady : "Sorra the word." Brady : "Shure, the big stame hammer in the founclry\ dropped on his chist an' killed liim." O'Grady : "Well, Oi'm not surprised, for he always had a wake chist." Mooney : "Do you drink, Tooley?" Tooley : "Faith and I do." Mooney: "Well, here's a clove." Mrs McFudd : "Och, Pat! and phat are yez doing in that tub of water?" Mr McFudd : "Faith and didn't the doctor say Oi should take a spoonful in wather t'ree time a day? Oi know me business."

"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest. "Faith, 1 am Irish, tew," said the waiter. An Irishman, quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't hold his tongue he wovild break his impenetrable head, and let the brains out of his empty skull. O'Brien : An' poor Flanagan got sixteen years in Sing Sing. Murphy : For phwat? vj'Brien : For hommycide, I belav,e. Murphy: Oh, shure that's notliing; I thought it might be for lrilling somebody. Miss Brady ; "I saw a man in a window making faces to-day." Mr Murphy: "What was he doing riiat for ? Miss Brady: "For a couple of clocks ; he's a jeweller." Cholly (to Ii'ishman ringing fog bell) : "Aw, my man, why is this bell ringing?" Irishman: "Can't you see, yo phool? It's because Oi'm pullin' the r-r-rope." Mistress : Bridget, have you ever made lobster a la Newburgh? Bridget: No, mum, I nivver worruked further up th' Hoodson than Nyack. Mary Ann : "I've come to tell you mum, that th' gasoline stove has gone out." Mistress: "Well, light it again." Mary Ann: "I can't. Shure, it went out through th' roof." "What is memory, Pat?" "Shure, it's something a man forgets with when he owes you itioney." Mistress : 'Mary, how was it I saw you treating your friends to my cake and fruit? Mary: I can't tell, ma'am, for the loife of me, for shure I covered the keyhole. "Why do we call a handcuff a bracelet?" asked the commissioner of an Irish recruit, at a recent police examination. "Faith, bekase it is intended for arrist," replied the applicant ; and he got the position at once. Grady (after Riley has fallen five stories) : Are yez dead, Pat? Riley : Oi'am. Grady : Shure, yer such a liar 0" don't know whither to believe yez or not. Riley : Shure, thot proves Oi'm dead. Ye wudn't dare call me a liar if Oi wur aloive ! An Irishman, just landed, seeing an electric motor car running for the first time, exclaimed : "Well, well, Ould Nick must be pullin' it wid a string." "There's a great art," says Mickey Doolan, "in knowing what not to know whin ye don't want to know it."