KINGS AN DPRINCE SI HAVE MET.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 25, 3 September 1920, Page 6

KINGS AN DPRINCE SI HAVE MET.

KJNG COAL, STJRNAMED BILANDISIDE. It is said, on excellent authority, that this powerful and wealthy monarch can trace an unbroken lineage right down the dim coiTidors of history to the great King Cole the First, of jovial and immortal memory, He would seem to have inherited most, or all, of the more prominent characteristics of his illustrious forbear, excepting, perhaps, those of avoirdupois and capacity for merriment. True, it is rumoured— though the rumour is not generally credited — that once, long ago, he did essav a smile, but the effort proving too painful, he broke it off abruptly, and has never attempted it since. His life is ascetic, and his views severe, while his usual expression seems to be one of perpetuaJ regret that the good God did not make a better job of the world, Still, he has periods of relaxation from his usually gloomy outlook on life, and men and things, and in these gentler moments vve may be certain that he permits himself to regard with a lenient eye the shortcomings of the Deity. It is always pleasant to think of magnanimity in the great and powerful. Ordinarily reserved and taciturn, His Majesty can be provoked to extreme and violent volubility by the sight or mention of any one of his special aversions. These are many, but the limits of space forbid mention of more than two or three. First (though not, perhaps, in importance) comes the motor hog. It is said that His Majesty' s dignity has more than once been sadly impaired through his having to

skip precipitately from befor less motorist to whorn mJ ^ *ek, were as things that were not that may be, it i3 an undeniabl. the royal temper becomes el ^ the bare name of a motor ho! # 84 years ago, it is alleged, he endi. ^ get the speed limit miles an hour, but his CounciUors the consequences of such a draj' * sure, compromised by bringinv Ta fosrty or thereabouts. fofled in tv.:0*® ^ Majesty has since devoted his tiiTi' composition of a 'Hymn of Hate" , ' aforesaid motor swine. Next I may place the Ti~ade nsecretary or delegate. It is r difficult to obtain His Majestv's y of thes pests, for the mere them reduces him to such a stat,e 0f J bhng incoherency that he is powerwT put his feelings into clear, inUlIli words. We are lett largelj tion and lmagination. Another pet aversion of His Majesty - those who presumptuously dare to 'h^ views at variance with his own. pj attitude towards these, however. is Bo^ much one of hatred as of 'contempt Those who think differently are damned fools and that i3 all there ig ahont it, Other objects of his dislike are "Pro Bono Publico," "Fiat Justitia," ' T'aterfann lias," and the rest of that tribe who find delight in rushing into print about this or that or nothing at all. 0n these h« keeps a watchful eye, and everj im then, as oporptunity offers, he sa%s ^ and, on general principles, gives ftem 4 swift drubbing, and then hastily again to the seclusion of his cast'.e. His monarchy may be described ££ ^ dual oue. At his rnral kingdom of Night. caps his black subjects supply him with certain minesrals, in return for which h» allows them the wherewithal to get bread and meat and a whole lot of bcer. fii, minerals thus obtained he distributes, for the most part, among his white subjects in his urban . kingdom of Invercargill, get ting for them the wherewithal to buy greater quantities of bread and meat and bigger lots of beer. The difference between the two quantities of bread and meat and beer is called profit, and his belongs to His Majesty. The process ii beautiful in its simplicity; anyone by adopting i£ can become a king, But the course of profit-making, like the course of love, "never did run fmooth," His Majesty has had much trouble with his subjects, but chiefly with the black ones. Every now and then— to pans the time, or for any other old reason— theee start a revolution, or "etrike." as it is colloquially termecf. Then the King tears his hair, and in frenzy asks what h« has done to deserve all this, wishes he had never been born, and so on, Still, although at times the outlook seemed pretty dark, His Majesty has somehow or other, by the exercise of much diplomacy and other means, managed hitherto to smooth over the difficulties and retain his sway. Latterly these open r evolution have been less frequent. But do not therefrom that the royal bed has hecorw more rosy. Quite otherwise, in fact. For within the last year or two tho blacks have contracted a mysterious and maddening malady, closely allied to sleeping sickness, and to which, for want of a better, the name of "goslopolky ' has been given. Chief among its more vDpleasant symptoms are an unconquerabb lethargy, loss of strength, a sort of pai"" lysis which makes rapid movement impossible, a tendency to fall over ones own feet, dimness of vision making it har, to find the tools that are wanted, ctc., etc. (in fact, a whole lot of etc.). 1^ were various and serious , but the graves of them all was the havoc played wtb profits. So near were these to annihifr tion" that at one time His Majesty was a the very verge of despair. Fortunately, at the moment when all seemed dark an hopeless, he invented, or learned, 0 a® excellent prescription for staying the erosion of profits. It was called "Passito and proved so effcaciou that His once more enjoys untroubled rest. ^ fact, he says he will never again he ^ out a bottle in the house.