IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 24, 27 August 1920, Page 4

IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

"Now, Mickey," said the teacher, "tell me what you know of Nelson, the great fighting sailor." "You're mixed, mum," promptly responded Mickey. "Sharkey is de fightin' sailor. Nelson wuz formerly a blacksmit'." "You voted in the nega.tive," sa.ys the elerk of the Board of Aldermen. Beg your pardon," says the aldei'man, "I voted 'No'" "Hallo, Pat; I hear your dog is dead." "It is." "Was it a lap dog?" "Yes, it would lap anything.'* "What did it die of ?" "It died of a Tuesday." "I mean how did it die?'* "It died on its back." "I mean how did the dog meet its death?" "It didn't meet its death, its death overtook it." "I want to know what was the complaint." "No complaint. Everyone for miles round seemed to be satisfied." "I wish to know how did it occur." "The dog was no cur, he was a thoroughbred animal." "Tell me what disease did the dog die of." "He went to fight a circular saw." "What was the result?" "The dog only lasted one round." — Edwin Carey. An Irish attorney, not proverbial for his probity, was robbed one night in going from Wicklow to Dublin. His father, next day, meeting Baron O'Grady, said, "My lord, have you heard of my son's robbery ?' ' "No," replied the baron; "whom did he rob?" "I can tell you," said Pat, "how much water runs over Niagara Falis to a quark" "How much?" asked Mike. "Two pints." "Good morning, Mr Cassidy," said tne undertaker's humorous friend, "I suppose business is dead with you?" "Faith, it is so," replied Cassidy, with great seriousness. 'I haven't buried a livin' soul for nearly a month." Pat — If it takes seven days to make one week, how many days will it take to make one strong ? Down at our house we had a servant that beat all girls for intelligence. One day my wife went out to go calling and5 left Mary in charge of the house. When she returned she asked Mary if any one had called #f or her. She said, "Yes, mum, the ibaby called for you several times while you were gone." This girl left us, and my wife met her several months later, and she said, "Mary, what are you doing now?" "In sure, mum, I'm working for nottbing. I'm married." Mr Mulhooly — "Phwat fur are yez makin' such a noise on thot pianny? Y'r drivin' me distracted wid y'r racket, an' me head achin' loik it wud split in two places !" -Daughter — "Those new neighbouxs have been complaining of my playing." Mr Mulhooly — "Begorra, thin, hammer harder P'

An Irisaman got out of his carriage at a railway station for refreshments, but the bell rang and the train left before he had finished his repast. "Hould on!" cried Pat, as he rau like a madman after the car, "hould on' ye murthen ould stame injin — ye've got a passenger on board what's left hehind." "What-is it," asked Casey, "tha-t goes with the train, stopswhen it stops, tliat's no use to it, and yet it can't go ten yards without it?" Casey — "I give it up." Brady — "The noise, .ye blockhead." McFadden: "Faith, and why do yez charge me twenty-five cents fer a hair cut for fifteen cents?" cut for fiteen cents?" French Barber : "Ah, but, monsieur, your hair eez not first-class. " Two Irishmen who had just landed in this ccltmtry had taken rooms in one of the downtown hotels in New York. In the middle of the night they were awakened by a great noise in the street. One of the Irishmen got up and looked out of the window. Two fire engines tore along. belching smoke and fire and leaving a trail of sparks. "Phwat is ut?" asked the chap who remained in bed. "They're moving hell," said the man at the window, "and two loads have just goe* hy."