Passing Notes.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 20, 30 July 1920, Page 6

Passing Notes.

BY JACQUES.

Laugh where we must, be candid where ye can.— Pope.

In the Australian Statistician's report (Otago Daily Times, 26th inst. ), it is stated that "a husband of 83 is wedded to a woman of 24, and a child was born to the marriage." My mind has never room for doubt, The saints forbid it; With Coriolanue I can shout, "Alone I did it." A report tabled in the House states that 82,008 gallons of liquor were imported into Invercargill last year. Personally I repudiate responsibility for the 82,000. Henare's wife, though not exactly fair, had proven frail, and like Helen of old time, had eloped with the Paris of her choice, one Timi. The aggrieved and bereaved husband sought out a solicitor, and in lurid language, placed the facts before him. "Tat plurry Timi, he takin away my wahine. Py eripes, I tink I chase him and kill him, an' te wahine te same. Wbat you say, eh?" But old six-and-eight (or is it ten-and-six now?) counselled a more temperate and profitable course. "Your best plan, Henare," he said, "is to apply for a divorce, with substantial damages." Henare pricked up his ears a-t this, for the prospect of "damages" was a fascinating one, and he agreed. "Well," said the man of fees, after preliminaries had been arranged, "how much shall we claim?" Her are pondered for a minute or two, and then said : Oh, I dunno. What you say? You tink ten. bob too much ?" Russia is feeling her feet at last, if we may judge by the increasing confidence of her tone towards the Allies. She declares that "the Soviet will only deal with other Governments on terms of equality, and does not accept the dictation of England, who over-estimates lier powers and rights. " There is a truculent, challenging note about this that is in marked contract to her former apologetc, almost abject attitude. And there is much of reason in it, too. There is something curiously insolent in our hitherto persistent refusal to recognise a form of goveniment simply because it was out of harmony with our own stolid traditions. It is the Russians who have to sleep in their own bed, and it is hard to discover our right to make that bed for them, or to tell them how they must make it. The right of self-deierm-ination — for which .we say we fought — is not only the right of peoples to govern themselves, but to decide the form their government shall take, Our refusal to trade with Russia except on arbitrary terms which however satisfactory they may be to us, can only be humiliating to that other great people, is not only unreasonable — it is suicidal. For we have as much to gain from such intercourse as Russia has — possibly more. Our coercive bottlingup of this great and powerful nation may easily provoke it to retaliative action that may make us feel sorry for ourselves. There are tremendous forces at work in that great country, and any attempt os our part to repress them will only make the inevitable explosion more violent wLen it happens. KINGS AND PRINCES I HAYE MET. BAXTER THE FIRST, S.P.Q.R., Etc. Like most other potentates the Prince of Wiskiphobia occasionally engages sa recreative exercises as a means of relief from the oppressive cares of his exalted and onerous office. His particular hobby, however, assumes a more utilitarias form than is usually the case, consisting, for the most part, in weighing out and wrapping up parcels of cheese, candles, and other nec^ssaries, which he distributes among his grateful subjects in return for the taxes they pay him — thereby setting an example which other rulers might well follow. He was engaged in this pleasing and beneficent task when I first saw him at his town mansion — or emporium, as he playfully calls it — the infcerior of wbich was lavishly, though tastefully, decorated with tinned fish, bacon, crockery, zinc baths, etc. Among the "etc." were quite a number of bottles, too, but as they were mostly disguised in tissue paper, I could only guess at their contents. I presented my credentials, over which he briefly glanced, and >hen accorded me snch a princely weleome as

transcended my most sanguine expecta. tions. Emboldened by the warroth of ffi» reception, I made a movement towards m hip pocket (where I usually carry ip but the Prince at once raised a deprec- • atory hand and muttered hoarsely (and H seemed to me, somewhat thirstily), young man, tempt me not." So I tempted him not, for who knows what the result 1 might bave been ? and my supply | nearly done, anyway. I then stated my | mission, which was to frnd out why th6 ] Wiskiphobes were — were — well, why the " deuce they were Wiskiphobes, and what | explanation there was for the curious kink in their mentality that made them so furious against the man with the red nose. As ' though my words had been the "hey presto" of a magieian, the Prince's whole appearance changed with a suddeimess j that startled and terrified me. His former | benign erpression was replaced hy oue of 1 stern, even savage resolve; his eye I gleamed with a fire that I could never have suspected ; his muscles stood out in knots ; while his — well, in short. fe agitation was so great that he almost foqjA to finish wrapping up the mutton bird'm A his hands. Then he burst forth : "i« ha-te the Red-noses," he said, "because they represent an enemy whom I and my i subjects are sworn to slay — the Derrinlt, Jj We are resolved to put it down at what- J ever cost." . I hinted that in this respect 1 tliey had no grievance against ihe Red- J noses, since the latter were qtfite as as- 1 siduous in the matter of putting down j the drink as the former — probably more | so, in public, at least. He rebuki;d my | levity, and then went on to say that they | bad been at war with the Red-noses for , years with varying fortune. Their weapons I were varions, but their favourite ammuni- .1 tion was statistics, "wbich is most con- | venient, since you can manufacture it as you require it." Before the last great 11 battle they had f elt assured of victory, .1 but had been defeated by the Ilurmish ' J tactics of the Red-noses, who brought in | an auxiliary in the form of the "Third | Issue" and so outmatched the Wiski- \ phobes. "But," he said, meaningly, "wait ; till next time. Every Red-nose wiTl vartish j from the land. We have sworn it." I ventured to confess that, while I sometimes experienced a somewhat similar feeling the morning after, yet, in my cooler moments I could hardly understand the Wiskiphobes' savage antipathy towards the Derrink, which, I opined, had surely its | proper place in the scheme of things. It i had throughout the ages met a natnral | craving, I said ; it had added to the | gaiety of the peoples, promot-ed sociabilitj 3 and good-fellowship, enlivened history, M and left a not unbeautiful impress on the j literature and art of all countries and al\ | times and in many other ways justified j the fact of its existence. In support of ^ my contention I gave instances. and j qnoted some of the greater poets, -such as ^ Anacreon, Byron, Moore, Omai' Jthayam, Bnrns, Shaun O'Sullivan, besides other I lesser lights, suggesting that it was hard | to believe that tlie enthusiasm these had shown in praising wine could have been i evoked by anything less exhilaratiog- T° j this the Prince countered by re-citing, j "Little drops of water," following it UP 1 with "Water for me, bright water for me, J and wine for the tremulous' debauchee, M concluding with "Water, water, every 1 where, and nothing else to drink. j admitted that the Iast quotation was no j literally correct, but the slight alterstK® J was, he thought, permissible, since, « ' | now stood, it represented the brigb | dream of all good Wiskiphobes. I gran J that it also represented a dream to M but of a somewhat nightmarish cfiaraCj In conclusion, I asked the Prince if he ^ j ever experienced, in his own person,- ^ | delirious delights of "a night out. | a reminiscent tone he owned that ^ ) was one occasion ("but only one, ^ you") when he did indulge to the ei _ | of two whole bottles of lemonade a ^ cigarette. The result had been to prising, however, that he had never - permitted himself such dissipation- ^ . asked if he had any explanatmr . w 1 for the curioas fact of the many 'e ^ j in the ranks of the Wiskipho #■ ^ I Prince was evidently embargo | query (though he murmur feltjng j abcut "indigestion") and, att- ■ on me the order of the Titi o abrupiiy t®»inated the intervKW-