HOTCH! SCOTCH! POTCH!

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 15, 25 June 1920, Page 10

HOTCH! SCOTCH! POTCH!

(Contributed by "The Groper.")

(Robert Burns).

Robert Burns.

"The Groper" is perplexed by reason of the diffieult-ies presented in the Land and Income Tax return forms required by His Majesty's Government in N.Z. Commonwealth. He is unabe to write. It is suggested that the dairy farmer and bottle gatherer peruse the following — it will be of assistance in filling up the forms. "The Groper" feels sure that the Comitfissioner will have no difficulty in assessing the tax. THE INVENTORY.

In answer to a mandate by the Surveyor of the Taxes. Sir, as your mandate did request, I send you here a faithfu' list, 0' gudes and gear, an' a' my graitn, To which I'm clear to gi'e my aith. Imprimis, then, for carriage cattle, I have four brutes o' gallant mettle, , As ever drew afore a pettle. My lan' afore's a gude auld has been, An' wight an' wilfu' a' his days been, My lan ahin's a weel gaun fillie, That aft has borne me hame frae Killie, An' your auld burro mony a time, In days when riding was nae crime — But ance, whan in my wooing pride, I like a blockhead boost to ride The wilfu' creature sae I pat to, (L-d pardon a' my sins an' that too!) I play'd my fillie sic a shavie, She's a' bedevilled wi' the spavie. My fur ahin's a wordy heast, As e'er in tug or tow was trac'd. The fonrth's a Highland Donald Hastie, A d — n'd red wud Kilburnie blastie! Forbye a cowt o' cowt's the wale, As ever ran afore a tail. If he be spar'd to be a beast, He'll draw me fifteen pun' at least — Wheel carriages I ha'e but few, Thrae carts, an' twa are feckly new ; Ae auld wheelbarrow, mair nor t-oken, Ae leg an' baith the trams are broken; I made a poker o' the spin'le, 'A' my auld mither brunt the trin'le. Fo^ meli T'v.e three misehievious boys, . Run de'ils for ratin' an? for n'oise ; A gaudsman ahe, a thrasher t'other. Wee Davock hands the nowt in fother. I rule them as I ought, discreetly, An' aften labour them completely ; A n' ay on Sundays duly, nightly, I on the questions targe them tightly ; Till, faith, wee Davock' s turn'd sae gleg Tho's scarcely langer. than ycur leg, - He'll screed you aff Effectual Calling, As fast as any in the dwalling. I've nane in female servan' station, (Lord keep me ay frae a' temptation!) I ha'e nae wife — and that my bliss is, An' ye have laid na tax on misses ; An' then. if kirk folks dinna clutch me, I ken the devils darena touch me. Wi' weans I'm inair than weel contented Heaven's sent me ane mae thaa.1 waiuta My sonsie smirking dear-bofljght ness, She stares the daddy in her face, Enough of ought ye like jput grace , But her, my bonnie sweet wee iacty I've paid enough for her already, A.n' gin ye tax her on her mithei , - By the L-d' ye'se get them a' thegither. And tio./, fenrcjihDo.j Mr Aiken, Nae kind of licence out I'm takin' ; Frae this time forth, I do declare I'se ne^er ride horses any mair ; Thro' dirt and dub for life I' 11 paidle, Ere I sae dear pay for a saddle ; My travel a' on foot I'll shank it, I've sturdy bearers, Gude be thankit. The kirk and you may tak' ycu that, It puts but little in your pat; Sae dinna put me in your buke, Nor for my ten white shilling luke. This iisc- wi' my ain hand I wrote it, The day and date as under noted ; Then know all ye whom it concerns.