SHORT STORIES.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 12, 4 June 1920, Page 16

SHORT STORIES.

"Good morning, madam. I deal in cast-off clothing." "Oh, how lucky ! Do you think you have anything that would suit my husband ?" Stage-struck Maiden (after trying her voice) : Do you think that I can. ever do anything with my voice ? Stage Manager : Well, it may come in handy in c-aee of fire. A POOR OUTLOOK INDEED. Little Kate : "Mamma, when I'm grown up, and if I don't marry anybody, shall I be an old maid like Aunt Mary?" Mamma: "Yes, dear." Little Kate: "And if I marry, shall I man*y somebody like papa?" Mamma: "Yes, darling." Little aKte (after a pause) : "Well, it is a liard world for us women!" AND VERY SENS1BLE TOO. The other day two Scotch boys quarrelled, and finished up with blows. In the tussle one of the combatants got knocked down, an d while still on the ground he queried : " Wad ye hit a chap when he's doon?" "No," gallantly responded the victor. "Ah, weel," quoth the vanquished, yet j cautious, youngster, "III lie here till ye gang awa." JUDGING BY RESULTS. First Little Girl : "What makes baby cry so, Mary?" Mary : "Mamma says it's 'cause he's getting teeth." Eirst Little Girl: "They must be a awful bad fit tken." ONLY HALF HIS NAME. Caller : "Is there a feller with a wooden leg by the name oi Smith livin' here?" Househo'lder : "What's the name of his other leg?" AH! HALF INDEED? Jones : "I'm afraid I was a little too hardly on him. I just looked him in the face and said, in a significant tone, 'The fools aren't all dead yet.' " Brown : "And what did he say?" j Jones : "He said; you'd better take care of yourself.' Wonder what on earth made him say that?" THE REASON. Dorothy: "Granny, go down on your hands and knees for a minute, please." Fond Grandmother : "What am I to do that for, my pet?" Little Dorothy: " 'Cause I want to draw an elephant. ' '

FILLED THE BILL. An eldeTly and somewhat miserlv woman iuseii.ed irt a newepaper an advertisement reading as follows : — "A lady in iiidifferant health wishes to meet a ueeful companion. She must be domesticated, musical, an early riser, amiable, of good appeaxance, and hava experience in nursing. A total abstainer preferred. Comfortable home. No salary." A few days later she received hy express message a basket labelled, "This side up with care. Perishable." On opening it she found a tabby cat, with a note tied to its tail. The note ran : — "Madam, — In response to your advertisement, I am happy to furnish you with a useful companion, which you will find exactly suited to your requirements. She is domesticated, a good vocalist, an early riser, possesses an amiable dispcsition, and is considered handsome. She has great experience as a nurse, having reared several large families. I need scarcely say she is a total abstainer. A salary is no object to her ; she will serve you faithfully to the end of her life for a comfortable home."