HUMOUR GLEAMINGS.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 12, 4 June 1920, Page 11

HUMOUR GLEAMINGS.

Mabel : "I love -their military clothes, don't you?" Gertie : "Yes, hut the buttons catch on one's hair so!" Hope (thirsting after knowledge) — "Pa, what's a magpie like?" Pa (irritably) — "Oh, go listen to your mother!" "She isn't exactly pretty but she has that indefinable something "So 1 hear; her father has piles of it." Teacher : "Children, how can we distinguish right from wrong?" Pupil : "If we enjoy doing a thing, it's wrong." "What is heredity?" she asked. "Some--thmg,"' replied the cynic, "a father believes in until his son beings a-cting for a darn fool." Miss Primm : "Does this parrot swear?" Dealer : "No, ma'am. But he's a bright bird, ma'am. Wouldn't take 'im long to learn." Sweet Young Thing : "Why do men join clubs?" Sour Old Churl : "Well, some join because they have no homes, and some because they have." "But my dear, his offer of love is a compliment to your beauty." J-'Yes, but offer of marriage is an ir_iult to my intellj.gence. " She (to husband, who feels sea-sickness coming on) : "Can I get you anything, dear?" He : "No, just tell me how to keep what l've got." "You say your friend's business is light reading. Does he read novels for a publishing house?" "No; he reads meters for the gas company."

Housewife: "I cannot give you money, bui you may have something to eat." Exquisite Heniy : "Thank you, no, madam — i dine at severn" Diner : "Why the deuce do you bring ms the fish before tbe soup?" Waiter: "Well, between ourselves, sir, that fish wouldn't have kept five minutes longer." Old Lady : "But my good man, don't yo x get tired of doing nothing?" Cadging Clarence : "Orful, mum. I gets so tired I can't do nothin' else." "Bobby, did yop have a good time at the party?" "Y"os, mother." "Why didn't you st-ay until it was over?" "What was the use, mother? I couldn't eat any more." Go-Slow Orator : ' 'Their latest slogan is 'Produce, Produce, Produce.' And what does: it all mean?" Disgusted Voice : (somewhere in back-ground) : "Work !" Observer : "I noticed ycu got up and gave that lady yOur seat in t-he tramcar the other day." Observed : "Since childhood I have respected a- woman with a strap in her hand," Mistross : "Bridget, 1 do not like the idea of your entertaining policemen in the kitchen." Cook : "Shure*, ma'am, they'd be embarrassed to death if I tuk thin* mto the drawing room." Short-story WriterT "Don't- you think the story would do if I boiled it down?" Editor : "No, I'm sure it wouldn't. But I should try the action of heat on it in another way, if I were you." "My dear Mrs Croesus, may I not put ■ your name down for tickets for Professor Pundit's course of lectures on Buddhism?" "Oh, by all means! You know how passionately fond I am of fiowers !" Old Mercator (to little Billy Brown, who applies for situation as an office boy and produces testimonial from par^on) : "We don't want you on Sundays. Have you a reference from any oue who knows you ea week-days?" He : "And what is your society for?" She: "For the prevention of gambling among women," He : "But that's impossible." She: "Certainly it's not impossible to stop gambling among women," He : "Oh, gambling! I thought you said gabbling !" "1 say, Slim is about to 'rctire from business," said one to another. "He's a capital chap and well deserves a rest, He's going to devote the remainder of his life to doing good." "Really?" asked thc other, with a humorous twinkle in his eye. "And who is he — Good, I mean?" An ahsent-minded old gentleman taking tea with his daughter and grandchild kept his spoon in the cup and drank from the sarcer. "Why don't you drink from the cup grand'pa?" asked the inquisitive child. "Well," camo the innooent reply, "I'm afraid of getting the spoon in my eye."