A REAL "SCREAM." THE HOUSE THAT HUGGINS BUILT.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 3, 1 April 1920, Page 2

A REAL "SCREAM." THE HOUSE THAT HUGGINS BUILT.

Uobody really knew why Huggins started in the building line. He is a bank elerk by profession. The fact is, Mrs Huggins wanted to niove — she didn't like the villa they were renting. Hug trieu all he knew to persuade her out of : it Mrs Huggins took no notice; you know v.hst women are. So after Hug had swatted round in tiie evenings Saturday ai'ternoons, atid Sundays, without finding even so much as a smell of an empty house, Podsnap came along with a brilliant idea. Podsnap is a friend of Bert Huggins. "Why not build your own house, Hug?" He said. Mrs Huggins jumped at the idea and clapped her hands. "Bert, you must!" she said. "1 should lo\e that. We could have it all to our own plan. In all the wretched houses one rents you have to have the draw-ing-room just where you find it, and the kitchen is never nice. Now, if we planJied our owr> house " Huggins was not really averse to the idc/i. "Well, pcrhaps if I found a suitable plot " "Plot, old man? There are plots to burn!" said Podsnap. "If it's only a plot rthat stops you, that's easy. What's the matter with that bit of ground adjoining your own villa here? It's for I don't suppose Mrs Huggins minds so much where she lives— it's having the knn'. of house that suits her." "Mr. Podsnap's right, Bert," said Mrs Hug. "I don't dislike this neighbourhood at all ; it's the wretched, poky little house we're living in that I hate. Now, a house of our own planning " So Hug bought the plot and looked round for a builder. "Why not build it yourself, old maui?" Podsnap said. "There's no art about building — it's simply putting one brick on top of another. You can buy the stuff first hand, save the middleman's profits, and run it up in your spare time. Living next door gives you an advantage. When you have an hour to spare you can hop int > your plot, smack a bit extra on the wash-house wall, and every day you'll see your new house growing and expanding. " Huggins started on his new house with a will. Hs and Mrs Huggins planned it o«t together, with the help of Potsnap. There were to be six bedrooms, a diningroom and drawing-room, kitchen, and the usual arrangements. Mrs Huggins was to have a boudoir of her own, and Hug himself was to have a study. "What about our own ballroom?" said Mrs Huggins. "And a billiard-room, old man?" said Podsnap. "Co on!" said Hug. "How many more rooms do you want? I'm not out to be building this house until I've got whiskers down to my feet. My plot is the site for a villa, not an hotel." "You can smack the extra rooms on top," said Podsnap, "and run a lift- up. The air's free; it doesn't matter how high you go," Hug's private opinion afterwards was tbat if he had smacked Podsnap on the top things might have gone better. After about six strenuous weeks of work, Huggin's new villa began to get into shape. Mrs Huggins used to footlo round with a little silver-plated trowel she'd got for a wedding present, and imagine that she was building the house herself. Her husband didn't mind, but he wished she had stopped at that. "Ob," she said one afternoon, "how sdly of us, Bert? We've got the drawingroom facing north. We can't have it there, Bert I'm sorry!" Bert said he was sorry too. Where wculd she like it? Should he arrange to put it on the roof, or down in the basement next to the coal-cellar Would she prefer it if he made it portable, so that she could have it in the back bedroom, or take it into the next field, as her wayward fancy dictatcd? "Now you're trying to he funny," said Mre Huggins. So Hng switched the drawing-rooom off the north sido and had it rebuilt in the rear. The night after they got the walls inp, there was a heavy thunderstorm which junsettled the foundatione, and when Hug

came down in the morning, you couldn't ts'l which was the drawing-room and which was ihe wash-house. Pcdsnap came round to look at the ruin. He was unmoved. "It's just as well in a way, old man," he said. "I'm glad you think so!" said Huggins heatedly. "Why, you see," said Podsnap, "I got an afterthoug'ht about this house of yours. 1- occurred to me that if you laid rails underneath, and put the fonndation on wheels, with a crank at the side, you cculd work it round, and get the sun on a.iy room you liked. And it would have the advantage of heing a novelty." "So it would!" grinned Huggins. "Or I could build it in the shape of a ball, and. roll it down the hill into the middle (. f the market-place when the fancy took me. It would be handy for the shops. Or fix some motors to it, and put a couple of planes at the sides, so that we could fly away and spend our week-ends at the seaside. You haven't any other ideas, have you, Poddy?" Podsnap said if Huggins was going.to get ratty about it he would leave him to build the blessed tliing himself. Which was all that Huggins asked. He said if Podsnap would only keep away, and not keep coming round with his one-horse notions, he would have the house up and finished within a month. I was then tliat Huggins started in, hammer and tongs. He used to get up in ihe mornings and do a bit before he went to the bank, and a bit more when he got home in the evenings. He kept his scratch building staff at it quite late sometimes, working by candle-light. "I should like," Mrs Hug said, "a smaJl room built in next to the hall, for ihi bicycle and things like that." "Certainly, my dear," said Hug. "It snal": be done." "And I want the corners of the roorns to be made round so that they won't gather up the dust, Bert." "Exactly, my love," said Bert. "We'll do that." "And if you can manage it, I should like the cellars above the ground somewhere. They don't get any light when they're underneath and as a rule they're very damp and smelly. Can you do that?" "Easy," said Hug. "I can swop the cellar arrangements with the attics, and change 'em about, so to speak. Attics are always a bit draughty up top, and the roof won't get so wet in the winter if it's kept underground. " Now and again Hug would go into the wocdshed down the garden and work off his dander by punching that bag of sawdust. he keeps there. As he says, when yoa get riled, you've got to hit somebody something. And better a bag of sawdust than. Mrs Hug. Of course, a few other people had a say in Hug's new house. There was Mrs Huggins's mother. She suggested having a porch at the front door, so that roses could be trained over it. I love a porch with roses climbing over it," she said. In Hug's idea this was a very good reason for not putting a porch within fifty-nine miles of thb new house, but Mrs Huggins's mother was a proposition that couldn't quite be ruled out, NaturaJly, it cost a good deal. Bricks are not cheap these days, and handy men don't work for nothing. But, as Hug i said, you might as well spend your money oi; 3 way as another. Hug didn t get the house up in a month as he'd expected. The handy men took too many risks in their enthusiasm. One smathed his tbumb with a hammer and ha 1 to take a fortnight off to get it into working order again. Another one fell off a ladder on to Hug, and the pah- of them were laid up for a moniU as a reeult. When- work was resumed, the third man who had been smoking his pipe at full wages in the interval, discovered that, the other two were not in the union, and he went. on strike. Little drawbacks like these might discourage some men, but Hug wasn't of that hrand. When he starts out to do a thing, he does it. He got that house finished eventually. It was not what you would call beantiful. Some o£ the

wii.dows were a bit out of the straight, and the building itself hung over towards the left. However, Hug had a precedent for that. As he said, there's the Leaning Tower of Pisa, that stood up in a lopsided position for a few hundred years, and anyone can build a house that stands up straight. "Any way, if it does fall," he said, "it'll come down slap on the dog-kennel next door, which is an advantage. It'll stoj> that infernal brute from howling all night!" Hug was so pleased with the job that he had his new house photographed, and sent the picture to the local paper. They printed it in the next number, and offered a prize to the reader who could tell them what it was meant to he. TLe medical editor said that Bert Huggins was evidently afflicted with bad dreams, and advised him to see a speciahsT about it. "That's just dirty jealousy," said Bert to Mrs Huggins. "It ain't every man who can build his own house. So long as you like it, Amelia, that's all that matters to us." Mrs Huggins wasn't any too sure. "There's a much nicer plot I've seen over by the cemetery, Bert," she said : ' I suppose vou couldn't shift it over there?" Mr Huggins choked down his gratitude. "By all means, my love," he said. "It's only a question of taking it to pieces and putting it up agam. We'll have it right in the cemetery if you like. Better look over it first, and see if you'd like the drawing-room put anywhere else." Mrs Hug found a few slight inconvenierces when she came to survey the new house in its entirety. In his hurry Hug had forgotten to include any water pipes. Ke'd missed putting a fireplace in the kitchen, and there was no window in the dining-room. "All the better," gaid Hug; "we shan't have a lot of people gaping at us every time we sit down to a meal.'' And then, in that inconsiderate way, tha women have, Mrs Huggins said she didn't like it, and would sooner stay where she was. "Besides, Bert," she said, "if we go out of this house somebody else will come into it. We may have nasty neighbours. I say, what a lot of people there are outside ! Is anything the matter ? The matter was only the house that Bert had built. Some of the local paper readers had come round to yiew it, with the object of winning the prize that the editor had offered. "Here he is!" grinned a man, when Bert appeared, "That's the chap ! What's it meant to be, guv'nor? A menagerie?" "It's a Chinese pagoda, ain't it, mister. Give us the tip!" Bert retired indoors and left them to their vulgar curiosity. Then Podsnap came round, and Hug was afriad the convulsiong he had would bring on a fit. He hung on to the fence and laughed until the tears came into his eyes. He walkcl round the house and acted like a maniac. His amusement was so terrific that he had to sit down every few minutes to get over it. "Hug, old man/' he said at last, (Lying his eyes, "I'm sorry for you. You meant well, but you've made a fearful howler of .it, Push it over and 1*11 show yv.v how to build it properly. Huggins was just trying to decide whether he should throw Podsnap into

the street or throttle him on the spofc, when his wily friend retired behiud tha front fence and grinned over it. "Don't be downhearted, Hug," he said "I know a chap who's come home from the war and has a cheap bomb to se1!. You can put it in the cellar and set light to it. The bricks will come ia useful to build a rockery in the garden.1 Huggins took no notice of this nasty insinuation. He just drew up an imposing advertisement- and put it in tho uewspaper. "Attractive residence to be let or sold, Dclightf ul situatiou. Suit newly-mar-rieo couple. — Apply Huggins, Ivy V illa* Dugboro." There was a rush of applicants as soon as the advertisement came out. But, somehow or other, they didn't seem anxious to take Hug's new house. The modest ones said it was too big, or too smaJl, or the aspect didn't suit them. Otbera just looked at it and left. Once cantankerous person ignored the building altogeiher, and kept asking Bart where the residence he'd advertised was, When it was pointed out, he took Mra Huggins aside a-nd tapped his brow. "I should advise you, madam,' he saii^ "to have your husband put in a safe place somewhere before be gets any worse." Hug was beginning to look a bit blue about the gills, when a benevolent old gentleman came on the scene. 11 e was bursting with generosity and kindne&s, aird when Hug showed him theknew residence he smacked his hands together with pleasure. "Ah," he said, "that's something lika a house ! ' ' "It is something like one," Hug said, nct being quite sure now whether be ought to say more. "Come and see the inside." The old gentleman viewed the inside. i Hous^ were scai'ce, and he had contf , down determined to like this one. Hc . approved of Hug's house, as people do | approve when they're not going to hve ' in a place themselves. He thought ^ I quite charming. "I'll let you into a secret," he said, | chuckling as he gave Hug a playful dig * in the ribs. "My daughter is gettiag | married, and I want to give her 1 house as a wedding present. It's to be a | surprise for the yoiuig couple, I think it | will, don't you?" Hug was confident that it would be 3 ,fl great surprise. ?JI | "Now, liow much would you sell it t°r' I asked the old gentleman. "My name 13 H Josiah Snoozle, and I'm willing to p9? cash down." I Hug thought it seemed almost a B to take the money, but tho old ge" ^ ■ raaii wanted to buy. It had coH ® H five hundred to build, but he was v ^ h to make a sacrifice and take foiu dred. , v -'d 1 "And cheap, too," said Snoozle; t.ej ■ say so if they knew." j]S H Bert was sure they would. He to"1^ j£ old gentleman into the parlour and se r; all preliminaries. And when ' c . R Snoozle went away, Huggins had a c ^ I for four hundred pounds in his P° I which was duly honoured three daj& ^ ■ lt is hardly to be wondered at t 11 ^ ■ Huggins could lean over the lr01^ I in the evenings now iuid snrik- H smiling thore one evening when ^ ^ ■ came along. Podsnap was SIT" r even more so than Hug. 1(j in,^ H "Huggy, old boy," he sai , ■ tell you I've had the most ■

THE HOUSE THAT HUGGINS BUILT.

(Continued from Page Two.) bit of luck. I'm going to get married! "That will be a bit of luck for you, Pcddy," Hag said. "I didn't think there was a girl in Dugboro' to take the risk." "Alll right, Hug," grinned Podsnap, "I can afford to take a joke. The main trouble old boy, was getting a house to live in. You know the difficulty, don't you " And he gave Hug a playful dig. "Well, her old father has turned up trumps. Ke sprung it on us last night. He has bought a house to give us as a wedding present!" And Podsnap guffawed like the fatuous ass he is. "Where is the house, Poddy ? ' asked Hug "We don't know yet, old son. That's half the fun." "All the fun, perhaps," said Huig. "And the lady's name?" "It's a pretty one, Huggy : Arabella Snoozle !" And then Hug laughed. His smile spread until it reached round hehind his ears. He eaught hold of the acacia tree to steady himself and let out melodious gurgles of mirth. He opened his jaws and roared until the echoes ricochelted over the Dugboro' hills. "Funny, a.in't it?" grinned Podsnap. "Sorry I can't stop." Hug didn't want him to stop. He was quite content to wait until Podsnap moved in. But Pod was a wily bird, and he wasn't going to let Huggins have the laugh of him if he could help it. You can guess that he gnashed his teeth some when he found what villa it was that old Snoozle had bought for him and his blushing bride. But he took the rise out of Hug by moving in during the night, when the family next door were comfortably tucked up in bed. Hug grinned over the fence at Podsnap next morning. "Nice little show, ain't it?" he said. "Sorry I forgot to put a window in the dining-room, old man. My mistake. How do you like going to the village pump for water?" Podsnap grinned in response; he had thought it all out. "Matter of fact, Huggy, old boy, finest thing that could have happened. Running along to the pump gives me a bit of exercise. Just what I want! Suits me down to the ground. And what's more, the missis is delighted with the place, Fact. ' ' Of course, Podsnap was putting the best. face he could on the matter, but judging by the number of times Mrs Pod came into the garden with her hair out of curl, and the language she used to her beloved when she was inside, things wern't so rosy. Pod was so fed up with it after a couple of rnonths that Huggins began to get nervous about his sanitv. It was about that time that a sleek-looking stranger came along and began to linger. He leaned over the front fenee and watched Pod sowing seeds for a bit. "Nice house of yourn, mister? Bit out of the eommon." "It is," said Pod; " a bit too much out of the common for me." "I'm looking for one like it, said the stranger. "How much?" Podsnap thought a reasonable figure to ask would be ninepence, but., assuming that the stranger might be a mug of the Snoozle brand, he said he would sell it for a thousand pounds. "Too h:gh, pard," said the other; "but it takes my fancy some." * That was good enough for Podsnap to invite him inside. When the stranger actrally offered to buy the house for seven hundred pounds, Podsnap n early had a fil. Of course, he guessed it was all a bluff, with Huggins somewhere hehind it. P wasn't, though ! The sleek person called on the next day with the money in bark-notes, and Podsnap signed the transfer in a dream. The Dugboro' bank pronounced the notes good, and the Podsr.aps hustled their furniture out in high glee, and went to live in clover at the "Red Dog Hotel" in the High Road. "Seven hundred, Hug! Don't you wish vou'd kept it, old man?" Podsnap laughed until the ornaments on the shelves rattled. Huggins said that the sleek stranger's kccper would corrie along in a day or two, an I Pod would have to disgorge his illgotten gains. That didn't happen, What did happen was the arrival of a couple of housebieakers, who started, under the direction of the new owner, to reduce the house to a heap of ruins. Podsnap and Huggins watched from a safo shelter and looked at each other at intervals. Gueer goings on, wasn't it? F ancy a man paying seven hundred pounds for a house and then pulhug it to bits ! Well have that chap'e keeper here in

a day or two," said Hug. "He's mad. IJrdess, old man, he's going to rebuild it to suit his own fancy. Maybe he wants it with the sun on the other side." That wasn't the rea-son either. A contractor came and carted away most of the debris, leaving Hug's old plot fairly clear. Of course, the mystery made Huggins and Podsnap close friends. It was only a mystery that could have made them close friends now, all things eonsidered. PeJ used to come round to Hug's house and sit up late talking it over, and wondering what the garrie was. They found out one night. It was about one o'clock in the morning, to be correct. Tbey'd just emptied the flowing bowl and were exclianging affectionate farewells when a motor vandroveup. Hug took a peep from the side window and beckoned his friend. It was a bright moonlight night, and there was Hug's neighbour, with a few friends, and they hai pickaxes and spadcs; and they were digging under the foundations of Hug's p'ot for all they were worth. "They're starting the Channel Tunnel, cld man," said Pod. "Digging for water, perhaps," said Hug. They were botli wrong. After an hour of it Hug's neighbour hauled out a bag and emptied it. Hug and Pod held on to one ancther and gasped. The bag was full oi silver plate. Up came more bags out of the soil, and they disgorged jewellery and watches. More bags, full of curios and pricel.#s ornaments! "Hidden treasure!" gasped Hug. "Oh, Pcd !" "And I sold it' for seven hundred ! I gave it away." Hu^ins and his friend had to holcl on to one another for fear of collapsing at the sight of so much wealth. By the time they were able to go, Hug's neighfcouj- had tootled off with the whole lot of it in the motor van. I". was a week later that ex-Inspector Grqvpal looked into say how-do, and heard the news. Ilis hair stood on end. "Sleek looking chap, with a sharp nose, was he?" "The same!" said Pod and Hug together. "It was Flash Fred:"' said Grippal. "Just been released after doing a three years' stretch for burglary. He'd buried the swa-g there, you can bet, and, as soon as he was out, he came back for it. Well, if that ain't hard luck! Wish I'd kncwn about it a bit sooner." Sc did Huggins, on his own account., a 3.0 Podsnap, too, privately. As Huggins says, in the intervals between kicking himself, if he'd only have made the foundations of that house of h:s a bit deeper, he might have been a rich man by now. (The End.)