Wit & Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 127, Issue 21248, 19 October 1940, Page 19 (Supplement)

Wit & Humour

! ABOUT THE NEW GNUS J (The superintendent of a zoo rang 1 up the editor of a local paper. j “We have some news about the j gnus,” he said. “Do you mean it's new news?” the j editor asked. “Yes. New news about the new > gnus.” “But,” protested the editor, com- j pletely bewildered, “all news is j new.” “Oh, but we have some old gnus here,” came the reply. “But I want to give you some new gnu news about the new gnus that the old gnus have got.” “Will you please write it?” suggested the editor, who was on the point of collapse, “and send it in?” The next morning he received the following:— “I was trying to give you some gnu news about our two old gnus that have some baby gnus. Both the old gnus and the new gnus are doing very well.” GOING UP Wrapped in the glorious mists of requited love, the young man entered a jeweller’s to buy the engagement ring. “What’s the price of this one?” he asked. “One hundred guineas, sir,” replied the jeweller gently. The young man’s eyes popped. He whistled loud and long and then pointed to another ring. “And this one?” “That sir,” said the jeweller, still more gently, “is two whistles!” ALONE A lawyer was cross-examining a witness in a court of law. “You know the prisoner well?” “Yes, sir.'” “And you have observed that he talks to himself?” “Yes, he often talks to himself.” “One final question. Does he talk to himself when he is alone?” “I don’t know, sir. I’m never with him when he is alone.” THOROUGH A cockney, entered a tavern during the “black-out,” saw in a dimmed corner a coalman with the marks of his calling still on his face. “Blimey,” said the cockney, “that’s what I call overdoing it.” HOPELESS CASE The oldest inhabitant of the little Yorkshire village had never been renowned for his sober living. As he grew older and approached the end of his days, the vicar called upon i him and implored him to mend his I ways. ! The old man grumbled and groused ! as usual, but finally gave way enough 10 premise, rather grudgingly. I Well, vicar, if you’ll answer me i nob-but one question I’m not saying as how I’ll not come to church. “And what is the question?” asked the minister. “Who was Cain’s wife?” asked the man with a grin. 1 “My friend,” came the reply, “you j will never be able to embrace re- ! ligion until you stop bothering your- • sell' about other men’s wives.” “I Do.” “How did the Smith wedding go off?” “Fine, until the parson asked the bride if she’d obey her husband.” “What happened then?” “She replied, “Do you think I’m azy?” and the groom, who was in a rt of daze, replied, “I do.’ ” AN EXPORT “Name one of the exports from Iceland?” “Depressions, teacher.” SLIGHTLY MIXED “I beg your pardon, ma’am,” said the newly-arrived Irish maid to the officer’s wife, “but is it Colonel or Major I should be calling the Captain?” BAD SPEECH Policitian: I thought your paper was friendly to my campaign. Publisher: Well, isn’t it? Politician: You didn’t print a line of the speech I made last night. Publisher: That's the best proof we can offer. “I’ve been trying to locate Puffer for weeks.” “Have you inquired at every possible place?” “Yes; I even ’phoned his home.” Two old school fellows were talking about old times. “ I’ve no particular affection for the old school,” said Robinson. ” I was birched there | once for speaking the truth.” j “ Well." said Binks, “it cured you, ! didn't it? ”