WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 124, Issue 20740, 25 February 1939, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

HOLD-OP Two golfers playing an important match were annoyed by a slow couple in front of them. At one hole there was a particularly long wait. One of the offending couple dawdled on the fairway while his companion searched industriously in the rough. At length the waiting couple on the tee could contain their patience no longer. “Why don’t you help your friend to find his ball?” one shouted indignantly. “Oh, he’s got his ball,” the man blandly replied; “he’s looking for his club.” GOING GREEK ' Courted Trojan beauty ends trade recession in shipping world. Launches 1000 ships with face. “I was tired of being just a playgirl,” says Helen of Troy. Hercules, Greek strong man, wins again. Famed poet attends auction; buys pretty slave by error. “I must have nodded,” explains Homer. Well-known sailor reported missing. Grave fears for Ulysses. Parent dips brilliant son in river; strains boy’s heel. “I only did it for the best.” sobs Mother of Achilles. Conditions in Augean stables angers animal lovers. "■Not cleaned for 30 years,” announces local ve.t. TACT Seated before a group of grizzled directors who believed him to be the I man they wanted as sales manager, the candidate was asked: “Who Is boss In your home?” “I am,” was the reply; “but I let my wife think she is.” That was one of the answers that won a £SOOO a year job for him. HOPELESS Her lover was timid and she had tried everything she could think of to encourage him. At last she thought of something else. She: Do you know, the arm of a young man just goes round the waist of a girl? He: How interesting. Have you a tape measure? PARLIAMENTARY WIT In the early eighties there were two Cabinet Ministers who were rivals and sworn enemies. One rainy day they met face to face on a narrow footpath. To the one who stepped aside it meant treading in the : mud of the road. There was a moment of hesitation. Then, “I never give way to scoundrels,” said one, glowering. The other smiled. Stepping off the footpath into the mud, he said, “Pass, friend. I always do.”

BAD FOR BIDDY “Biddy, darling.” said Pat. arriving home one day, “tis yourself, isn't It, that’s glad to hear of a man havin’ good luck?” “Indeed 01 am, Pat. Who would It be?” “’ tis Barney. He's won all me wages.” ALL ALIKE “I’ll have you know, Jones, that my wife doesn’t gossip." “Neither does mine. What does yours call it?" TOO MUCH TROUBLE Mrs Brown was fuming. “Don’t talk to me about lawyers!“ she exclaimed, i bitterly. “Why, dear, what’s the matter?” j asked her friend. “I’ve had so much trouble over the | property, I sometimes wish my hus- : band hadn’t died.” WOULD NEVER SMILE The hospital doctor was going round j the ward, and stopped at the bedside 1 of a young man whose face was swathed in bandages. What could be seen of his face was the picture of • misery. “Cheer up,” said the doctor brightly. “Keep smiling—it’s the best medicine, you know’.” The young man groaned. “I’ll never smile again." he muttered. “Rubbish ! Of course you will.” “No. I won’t, doctor,” said the patient. “I mean it, too. I’ve learnt 'my lesson, all right. I'll never smile ( again—at least, not at another fellow's girl.” SOME EXCUSE Little Ikey had been sitting quietly with his book of fairy stories for some time when he came across something he could not understand. So he decided that father would know the i answer. “Dad." he said, “it talks here about untold wealth. Yot is that?” “My son,” replied big Ikev, “it is that which is not revealed to the income tax authorities.” EXPLANATION It was two o’clock in the morning A policeman observed a suspicious--1 looking man loafing about outside a certain house. He watched for a few minutes and then addressed him. “Here, you,” he said, “wotcher hanging about this house for?” The man turned weary eyes on the questioner. “I'm only waiting for the lady to go to sleep, constable,” he said. “You see, we re married.”

NOT LIKELY A man who had toothache and was afraid to visit a dentist thought he would try a faith curer. “Pretend that you have no toothache,'' said the man of faith. ‘‘Persuade yourself that it is all imagination. suggested by an evil power. Sa> firmly, ‘Get thee behind me !' ” “What!” gasped the suffering one, “and turn it into lumbago?”

SAID A SHELLFUL j The two young lady snails were crawling side by side along the top of a wall when one of them danced back. "Don't look round, dear,” she said. “There's a bloke following us.” “I know," replied her friend “Is my shell on straight?” First Camper: I slept like a top l*6t night. Second Gam per: Yes, like a hva*-ming-tojk