WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 124, Issue 20734, 18 February 1939, Page 16 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

UNPREMEDIATED Lord Russell was onoe listening to & glib, shifty-eyed prisoner protest his innooence. Although appearances were against the man, he was putting up a pretty good case, and was insisting to his Lordship that he was the soul of honour and had never committed a crime. At length, falling to hear the last few words of a remark the prisoner made, Lord Russell inquired, “What was your last sentence?” "Six months hard labour, m’Lord,” was the instant reply. ONE TO PAT A certain will was being disputed in court, and Pat found himself called as one of the principal witnesses. One of the counsel thought tha‘ the uneducated Irishman would giv< him plenty of fun in the witness-box. “Now, Pat,” he started, “was t.h» deceased in the habit of talking I himself when he was alone?” “O’ive no idea, yer Honour,” cam Pat’s reply. “Come, come!” the lawyer went on. “You say you don’t know—and yel you’ve told the court that you were a great friend of the deceased.” "Well, sor,” confessed Pat, “01 never happened to be with him when he was alone ” LIFE AND DEATH As Bilton was leaving the doctor’s surgery he was accosted by Smailes, one of his neighbours. “Alio, Bilton!” greeted the other. “Are you out of sorts?” “Rather,” replied Bilton. “The doctor has placed me in fi quandary. He’s advised me to take up trombone playing for the sake of my health. What would you do?” “Well,” answered Smailes carefully “you just please yourself for I've just persuaded my neighbour opposite to give it up for the same reason!”

member of the food trade should carry on precisely as he does in normal times until he is instructed otherwise. Ready In “Shadow” Form “The local organisation for regulating the demand of individual consumers is everywhere ready in ‘shadow’ form, and could be brought into full and active operation within 24 hours ir the need arose. “About 1500 local food executive officers have received instructions and know exactly what to do if the emergency arose." Sir Henry explained that, the principal function of local food committees will he to administer the national rationing scheme. "We do not contemplate.” Sir Henry added, “that there will be any occasion for local schemes in a future emergency, as in all probability the national scheme will ho put into operation with very lilfle delay. “It is probable that I lie commodities which will be rationed from the outset are butchers’ meat, bacon, butter and margarine, cooking fats and sugar.

DOUBTFUL CUSTUMERS Customs Officer: Anything to de§lare? Any wine, tobacco, playing cards— Traveller: I do not drink I do not smoke, I do not play cards. Customs Officer (to subordinate”) : This man is too good to be true—• search his trunks, HARD LUCK Life had not treated Larry any too kindly, and he was constantly bemoaning his fate to his friends. One of his friends grew tired of this constant "cries of hard luck stories, and deeded to put in a protest. “Don't spend ail your time grumling about your bad luck, Larry,” he aid impatiently. When you try to ;«» something and fail, just keep on ud try to do it in the opposite way.” “That's no good,” was the rueiul ' utort. “I’ve tried that, too. I was i hospital once, because a car got out f control and ran away with me. I iidn’t get out lor five months. Then did what you suggest—l tried running away with the car. That time I didn't get out for five years. MEMORY EYPERT The memory expert had been Riving his turn in the village hall. The audience had not been vefy enthusiastic, and the questions asked at. the end of the show infuriated the man. When one dear old lady, came up and aske v d him to what lie attributed his remarkable memory, he thought it was time to call it a day. “Well, madam,’ he explained, with a straight face, “when I was in the Air Force I once had to make a record parachute jump from a height never before attempted. Just as I jumped from the plane, the pilot leaned over the side and yelled. Tli, you've forgotten your parachute!’ “And. believe it or believe it not. madam, that taught me a lesson, and I’ve never forgotten anything since.” HE GOT THE JOB When an enterprising fellow was considered for a consular post in China he was asked—- “ Are you aware that appointment of a consul is seldom recommended unless he speaks the language of the country to which he desires to go. Now. I suppose you don't speak Chinese ?” The candidate grinned broadly. “If.” he said, “you will ask me a question in Chinese I shall be happy to answer it" He got the job. SATISFACTORY Shop Assistant: “Do vou find the alarm clock satisfactory?” Customer: “Rather! It wakes the parrot, the parrot whistles to the dog, and the dog barks till we wake up.”

NOT MISSED “Your Honour,” complained an irate woman, ‘'this no-accuunt husband of mine drinks.” “Quite right. Your Honour,” interrupted the husband, “I do. But that woman don't treat me right. Why, I pawns the kitchen stove to get a little money an’ she doesn't miss it for two weeks 1” FASHION NOTE Milliner: Pardon, madame This is the hat you just bought; that's the box you're wearing.

DON'T HANG AnOUND “If you don’t marry me, I’ll take a rope and hang myself In your front yard.” “Ah. now, Herbert, you know Pi doesn't want you hanging around.” NO ONE PICKED UP Mr Oldbov: You told me. doctor, if I got a car I'd pick up in no time. Doctor: Well, and aren’t you 0.K.? Mr Oldboy: I've hunted all around London and haven’t picked -up anybody yet