WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 121, Issue 20284, 28 August 1937, Page 16 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

IN VAIN. “Cloudy day, sir," said the restaurant porter with “tip" written all over his face. "Yes," was the reply, “and there’s no change coming, either." NO NEED TO WORRY. Thd Smiths were on their way north to visit some friends. Suddenly Mrs Smith gave a shriek. “Oh, Harry,” she cried, “I forgot to turn off the electric iron.” “Don’t worry, darling,” he said, "I forgot to turn off the shower bath.” COMPENSATION. “What did father say when you told him you were! going to take me away from him?” “He seemed to feel his loss keenly at first, but I squared him with a good | cigar.” HER FAULT. "I hear your mother-in-law is dead?" “Yes, 1 accidentally shot het. “Good heavens 1 What a terrible thing! How on earth did it happen?” “She stepped In front of my wife Just as 1 fired.” HE KNEW IT. "You lack self-control," said the neVve specialist. "Of course,” said the patient. “I’m married 1” TOO LATE. Theatrical Agent: Good newel I’ve booked your performing pigeons for a six-month tour. Hard-up Actor: Too late. I’ve eaten the act. THE ATTRACTION. Wife (to husband who has turned to look at a pretty girl)—"Henry dear, you would make a wonderful fireman." “Why?” “You've always got your eye on the hose.” A BARGAIN Fishmonger (wrapping up salmon): Fine red colour, madam. Isn't it? Customer: Yes, 1 imagine it’s blushing at the price.

CATCHING As he sat in the barber’s chair the custom eV observed the hand of the young and new assistant was trembling. “Are you new to this business?” he asked. “ Yes, sir," replied the lad. “ You are my first shave.” "Is that so?” stammered thef man In the chair. “ Then be careful you don’t out yourself." DISGRACEFUL Daisy: Mother, that little. 111-bred brat, Willie Peepers, keeps staring at me all the time In churoh. Mother: I didn’t observe. Where does he sit? Daisy: Why, right behind us 1 DOMESTIC PROBLEM Mrs Kay (Interviewing prospective maid) : My husband and I are strlotly vegetarian, so we’ll not ask you to cook meatl Applicant: Ho, an’ wot’ll I do? You don’t oatoh me eatln’ it raw. WHAT HE DIED OF An old Cornish woman’s husband had Just died. To her the vicar said kindly: “I’m so sorry to hear of your good man’s death. What did he die of?” '* Oh," said the widow. “ I’m not quite sure, sir, but the doctor said 11 wasn’t anything serious.” BREACH OF PROMISE “ You say that Frances Is suing you for breach of promise.” “ Yes, and so Is Alice." “ Then you’ll have two suits on your hands?" “ No, Just a pair of breeches.” HARD “Is Goldberg a hnrd man?” " I should say so. Did you notice his eyes?” “ Yes. One seemed to have a more human expression than the other." “ Well, that is a glass one.” ALL RIGHTS RESERVED . “ Dear, I’ve ordered the engagement ring. What would you like engraved on it?” “ 4 All rights reserved ’ would be rather nioe."

PERHAPS “ What do they mean by the city’s pulse ?’’ “ oh, I suppose it has something to do with the polioemau's beat.”

SHOCKING Foreman: Everything here is run u; electricity. New Hand: Yes. Even the wages Rive me a shook.