Wit & Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 121, Issue 20254, 24 July 1937, Page 16 (Supplement)

Wit & Humour

A BIT OF STRING A Scotsman visited (Niagara Falls with an American friend. As they watched the great rush of water, the latter said: “There’s a story that if you throw a penny into the Falls It will bring you luok.” “Is that so?” inquired the Scot. He considered for a moment, and then asked hopefully, “CHae ye a bit o’ string?” SHE WAS PLEASED. A gushing young lady parishioner approached the olergyman and exclaimed: “Your sermon was wonderful; in fact, all your sermons are marvellous, Why don’t you publish them?" “Maybe I will some day, but they'll be posthumous.” “Oh, how wonderful I I do hope It win be soon t" WHY HE WAS BALD. One man said to another: "Tell me, why Is your head so bald?" Replied the other: “For the same reason as grass doesn't grow on a busy street." "Oh, I see,” said the first man. “It can’t get up through the concrete." HE KNEW. An inspector was paying his annual visit to the village school. He examined the children in reading and general knowledge, as was his custom and was very pleased with the answers he received. After the last question had been asked be rose to bis feet and, looking round, remarked genially: “I wish I was a boy at school again." He allowed a few moments for this to sink in, and then added: “Does anybody know why I wish that?" A small boy stood up. “Please, sir," be ventured. “It’s because you’ve forgotten all you ever knowed I” NEVER AGAIN. Two women were waiting for a bus, which was nearly full when It came • along. "Room for one Inside, and one on top,” said the conductor. “Surely you wouldn’t separate mother and daughter." t “I did once,” replied the conductor, as he rang the bell, “but never again I" THE FLYING SQUAD. Old Lady: Constable, can you direct me to the Flying Squad? “What do you want with the Flying I' Squad, ma’am?” “I want them to capture my canary."

A GOOD POINT. The church was being decorated for Christmas when the vicar came In. Seeing tacks lying about the pulpit he remarked to his daughter, who had apparently been using them: “Don’t leave those tacks about, Katie. What would happen if I stepped on one in the middle of my sermon?" “Well,” replied Katie, “that would be one point you wouldn’t linger on!” AVOIDING AN ACCIDENT. “What did you drive a fifty miles an hour for?” demanded the beak. The fair motorist smiled sweetly: “Oh, my brakes were not working right,” she replied, “so I was hurrying home to avoid an acoidenti” ABOVE A BRIBE. Wife: What I Golfing again 1 It’s always golf with you. I do believe that if you decided to spend your Sunday Indoors with me I should die. “It’s no use, dear, you oan't bribe HOW DID THEY MANAGE? It was quite the first time Archibald had ever seen a coal mine and he was eager to gain Information. "Can you—aw—tell me," he said to a collier, “how you—aw —get those Johnnies out of that beastly hole, fellar ?” “Yus,” replied the collier, who was not taking any chaff, "we—aw—pulls ’em hup—aw, doncherknow, by the ’air of their ’end." "How Jolly Interesting. But I say, I’m a whale for information. How do you manage the baid-hended Johnnies?” THE COMIC CUTS. As is well known, Charles BrookI field was noted for his *reftdy wit. He did not think out Ills impromptus beforehand but had a natural gift for , repartee. One night at a theatrical supper Erio Lewis was rather labori- ! ously and amateurishly carving a I chicken, and remarked to Lottie Venne. “You see, I’m giving you all the titl bits." “Looks more like comlo outs," said Brookfield quietly. MAKE IT A TENNER. The tall man pushed hia waj through the crowded auction room to the rostrum and spoke In a low voice to the auctioneer. “Gentlemen," announced the latter, “my client here offers five pounds for the return of his wallet, containing fifty pounds which lie has just misj sed." I Voice from the back; I’ll make it a 1 tenuer t

NOT TIIE SAME DOCTOR. The young doctor was trying to cheer up his lugubrious patient. "Four years ago,” he said, “I had exactly the same symptoms as yours, and look at me now!” “Yes," replied the patient, “but what dootor did you have?” THE BUSY BEE. “I suppose you call Smith *the Busy Bee’ because he's always working.” “Oh, dear.no. R’s because everyone he touches gets stung 1”

WHERE? While on a holiday in the Wtet England of late I visaed an old Norman Castle in the neighbourhood. The guide was most enthusiastic and wound up thu»: “Where will you *ee a house built in our own time that has lasted as long &• one of theta old Norman castles." A POOR LOT. ‘“Those eggs you sent me last weak were a poor lot." “You surprise me. Those eggs were graded.” “Yes. De-gradadP