WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 119, Issue 19887, 16 May 1936, Page 16 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

THE “FROST.” Tactless Stage Door Keeper (to [ author of first-night failure) : “Heavy ’ frost to-night, sir.” ON THE RACECOURSE. "I’ve lost everything. Lend me a couple of pounds. I always make a i point of taking my wife part of my 5 winnings.” I J FOR THE CAT. j The enthusiastic angler was relating a fishing story to some of his j neighbours. “Yes,” he said proudly, "I oaught J the biggest fish of my career last I night. It was a bass and it weighed seven pounds two ounces.” His small son, who had remained interested throughout the story, now spoke up—- “ Yes, and daddy was so kind. He gave it to my little" kitten!” HANDICAPPED. “Dad,” said Horace, when he arrived home from school, “I saw a deaf and dumb beggar this morning, j and he had an impediment in his - speech.” “Please, Horace,” said the father, ( “will you kindly adhere more strictly ( lo the truth? A deaf and dumb man with an impediment in Ills speech—it’s , absurd!” “But, really, he had,” persisted young hopeful. “You see he had lost one of his middle fingers.” MONKEY BUSINESS. “Look at that one—the one- staring 1 at us through Hie bars. Looks quite intelligence, doesn't lie?” “Yes. Uncanny, isn’t it?" “Almost, looks as if he understood every word we’re saying.” “Walks on his hind legs, too. and swings his arms.” i “Look, lie’s got a peanut! There, now, would you believe it? He knows ? enough lo fake, the shell off before he cals It., Just like we do.” “That’s a female with him. Listen to her e ha I ter. He doesn’t seem to tin paying much attention to her, though.” “Must, he his mate, don't you ; think?” “Look kind of sad, don’t they?” •Yes, 1 reckon they wish they were - in here with us monkeys.” NO TIME. Solly became involved in an argilmen!. The high words drew the usual crowd that gathers on such occasions, and before it was over Solly bad suffered some damages, including a broken nose and two black eyes. The police interfered. His assailant • escaped, but Solly was dragged, protesting. lo I lie police stalion. The next morning, when the magistrate had ■sifted the evidence, and decided that poor Solly was not, to blame, he said lo him: ’’Why didn’t you explain the mailer lo the constable at the time.” "Kxblain?" cried the injured innocent- ‘ How could 1 exblain ? Dey 'handcuffed me before 1 could say a

CORRECT. “John," said the teacher, "how ) many make a million?” ’ “Not many,” replied John. SIMPLE, “Hallo, Johnny 1 How do you like 1 your first dancing lessons?” 1 “It’s easy. All you have to do is to ’ turn round and keep wiping your feet.” WHERE SKILL COUNTED. Two street sweepers were dlsoussing the merits of a new man who had been hired to help them in their work. Said one: “An’ what do ye think uv the new man, Pat?” “Divvll a bit,” replied Pat. “He might be all right on th’ up and down sweepln’, but let him try a bit of fancy work aro-und a lamp-post, then we’ll h© seeln’ his abilities.” THE BETTER NAMEThe guests at a dinner party were being bored by a snob with a loud voice who wanted everybody to know that his family belonged to aristocracy. At last an old man asked him what he meant by aristocracy. “Well,” replied the snob, ”1 should describe the aristocracy as those who do not work for their living.” “You surprise me,” said the old man; “1 thought people like that were called tramps.” KNOWLEDGE. Motorist: “What I know about driving would fill a book.” Constable: “And what you don’t know about it would fill a hospital.” TIIE LENGTH. Irate Business Man: “Hil porter, How long's this train going to be?” Porter: "About eight coaches and an engine, sir.” UNSATISFIED. Prison Governor: “You say you have a complaint io make. Well, what is it?” Convict: ’’There aren’t enough exils, sir.” TACTLESS. “Ah, rny friend,” said the earnest young curate lo Ihe lough ex-convict, :’‘don’t you wish you could have your time over again?” He’s still wondering what hit him — and why. PREPARED. “How -dare you say you weren’t drunk lasi night! Here you are. in hod wilh your hoots and trousers j "Well, my dear, you know I’ve been j walking in my sleep lately, and t i thought it would he a good thing lo j so to bed prepared."

HIS BUSINESS, Judge: You say Hie officer arrested you while you were quietly minding your own business? Prisoner: Yes. your Honour. Judge: You were quietly attending to your own business, making no • noise or disturbance of any kind? Prisoner: None whatever, sir. Judge: What is your business? Prisoner: I’m a burglar.

CAUTION. The little man ordered his meal and waited patiently for it to he served. Halfway through Hie second course Hie waiter came up quietly lo his table. “Excuse me, sir.” lie -whispered, "but I would advise you not lo hurry willi your meal.” “Good gracious 1” exclaimed I lie little man. “Why ever shouldn’t 1?” “Well, sir,” said the waiter, looking nervously round, “you are sitting on a prizefighter’s hat, but he doesn’t know it yet."