AN AMATEUR DETECTIVE.

Waikato Times, Volume XXXIX, Issue 3201, 31 December 1892, Page 5 (Supplement)

AN AMATEUR DETECTIVE.

[St. James' Gazette.] Detective stories have always been my favourite form of literature, I have read, I think, all there are—■ at least, all there are published— and have imbibed from their, a thorough contempt for probability and the police. The first thing you have to do in face of a crime is, as I often said to Uncle Poffkins, to fix on the most unlikely man and stick co him through thick and thin. That was the couse I adopted when Aunt Poffkins's earrings were stolen, and that course led me—but I must not begin at the end. It was at breakfast time, that the theft was discovered. Aunt came down Lite and burst into the room when; Uncli Poffkins, Dora, and I were

breakfasting. She bore traces of strong agitation, and had forgotten her cap. " My earrings ! " she cried. "They are gone—they are stolen ! " "God bless my soul !" exclaimed Uncle I'ofl'kius, dropping his tea-cup as if lie had been shot, and leaping up -with a veil of pain. lie explained that the yell was attributable to the heat of the tea, which was trickling down his legs : it might have been of course. My aunt explained. The eanings were kept wrapped in cotton wool in [ a jewel-box on licr dressing-table. The box was never locked, and the housemaid had access to the room. Tho girl had only been in the house a week, and was known to have a " follower." My aunt and cousin leaped to tho conclusion that she was a thief, sent for a policeman, searched hor box, and found—nothing, of course. T could have told them that. Meanwhile, 1 kept my eye on Uncle Ptffkins. He was tho one person who could have no motive whatever in stealing the earrings. He was very rich, most respectable, and extremely slow and noisy in his movements ; moreover, my aunt would have given hiui the earrings at any moment if he had asked for them. Evidently he was the last man to attract suspicion. Accordingly I narrowly watched Uncle Fofikins. We passed a perturbed week.

| The police were running out and in. Dora cross-examined the housemaid incessantly. Aunt Poffkins went about weeping and reminding everyone she met that the earrings were a present from Uncle Poffkins on the occasion of their engagement. My uncle himself affected to make light of the matter, and went so far as loudly and ostentatiously to d—n the earrings. He was wrong if he thought he could put me off the scent by that clumsy manoeuvre. I never left him alone ; I tracked him to the City, hung about all the morning, shadowed him when he went to lunch, when he returned, when he crossed over the Exchange ; unknown to him I was on his bus, inside if he rode or. the top, and on the top when it rained and he stowed himself away inside. He never escaped me, except while he was shut up in his office. At last, after ten days' weary chase, I had my reward. I need not say that the police had discovered nothing. The house was still topsy-turvy, and

my aunt subject to intermittent | hysterics. That wronged creature, the housemaid, did her work, with mop in one hand and a hankerchief (wet with innocent tears) in the other ; her young man called, and asked if anyone desired to intimate suspicions of her, inasmuch as he was ready to deal with any such. I rejoiced to be able to assure him trutfiJully that I would stake my life on her innocence. But to return to Uncle Poffkins. On the tenth day, as he was brushing his hat before leaving the house, and looking at my aunt's tear-bsdewed visage,his conscience smote him, and he so far forgot himself as to exclain audibly, " I'm dashed if I can stand this any longer!" The folly of the man wasincredible. I had him new ! In an instant I was after him. He took a 'bus. I took aca i; and we set out to the City. Now came the odd thing. Uncle Poffkins gave me the slip. How it happened I do not know ; but when the 'bus pulled up at the Bank Uncie Poffkins was not to be seen. I questioned the conductor ; but he had evidently been bribed, and told me very rudely that he had something better not to answer my

" blarmed riddles." He drove on, and I was left for the first time at fault. It was evening before I saw Uncle Poffkins. I was going home in a very disconsolate state, when, about two hundred yards from our gate, I espied him ahead of me. Quickening my pace, I stealthily approached within a few yards He opened the gate and passed in ; noislessly 1 followed. A little fut -i ther on sheltered by a shrubbery, lie stopped and after a stealthy glance towards the house, took from his coat pocket a small morocco case. I stood on tiptoe just behind, and with mingled horror and satisfaction as I looked over his shoulder I sasv the earrings! I was right ! Uncle Poffkins sighed. "Shall I give 'em to her or not V' he said to himself. " It's rank waste. Still it would keep her quiet."

I watched the struggle between his good and his evil angel. Clearly the good angel had triumphed so far as to bring the earrings within fifty yards of Aunt Poffkins ; but now came the tug-of-war. It was severe and it ended in the victory of evil. Uncle Poffkins, shutting the case with a snap, exclaimed, " It's all dashed nonsense ! I'll take 'em back to Abrahams to-morrow." Abrahams, no doubt, was the receiver ; for my uncle went on in n a satisfied tone, •' He'll make no trouble about taking 'em." He was putting the case in his pocket, when my feelings overcame me. Respect for one's elderly relatives is a praise-worthy feeling,but it must not be allowed to override higher duties. I flung myself on Uncle Poffkins,crying, " Surrender! You cannot escape me !" My uncle, under the force of my impact, fell heavily on the gravel path ; I fell on the top of him and pinoned his arms to his arms to the ground. "It is useless, sir," I began, " to offoct ign—■—" I had reached this point, when I was violently

collared from behind, lifted bodily off my uncle's chest, whore I had been sittiog, and deposited on a grass-plot, while a deep voice said in my ears, " Now then, young' man, turn it up. You're a livel}' 'un, you are. Fust yer aunt, and now yer uncle." The new-comer was a policeman. Fishing in his coat-tails, he produced a pair of handcuffs, and put them on my unresisting wrists. Then I found my voice. " What are you handcuffing me for ?" I demanded, There's the I thief." " Gammon!" said he grinning. "Why, ycfioo), there's tho property," said 1 Ho looked a '1 saw the ear-rings lying on the round by Uncle Poffkins. An ,_ A pression of bewilderment overspread his face (almost as intense as that which covered my uncle's) as, groping again in his pocket, he brought forth —the earrings. Then, gazing from the one pair in his hand to the other on the ground, he ejaculated softly, and, to my ears at least mysteriously, "Blimy!" After a pause he resumed. " Them earrings" he said. " "Which ?" said I. "Them in my 'and was found in your drawer, young man, wrapped in cotton-wool. 'Ow do you account for that " Those on the jrrouud," I re-

torted, " were found in Mr Poffkiu's pocket. How do you account for tliat!" He shook bis liead sadly. Then he suddenly brightened up, he had an idea. He produced another pair of handcuffs, clapped them on my uncle's hands, J cried cheerfully. " We can't be wrong now—can we, March ?" So Uncle Poffkins and I marched —the policeman between us, with a hold on each of our collars: and in this trim we were presented to Aunt Poffkins, to Dora, and to the housemaid. The housemaid giggled consumeclly ; for which, under the circumstances, one could hardly blame her. Aunt Poffkins had a relapse ; and Dora alone was equal to the situation. She made us sit down, and gave us each a glass of sherry. Then the recriminations began. Uncle Poffkins declared that his earrings were not the earrings at all. Distressed at my aunt's sorrow he had gone to the jeweller's and bought Tier a precisely similar pair They cost eighty guineas. The struggle I had witnessed was between love and economy, not honesty and crime.

I declared that ray earrings, if they were the earrings (which I was far from admitting), had not got into the drawer by my act, motion, or volition. " Aud you are both quite right," said Dora. "Uncle's earrings are not the earrings ; and. Tom, do you remember having the toothache ?" It was clear to mo in a moment, I had asked for cotton-wool, been directed to my aunt's jewel-box. grabbed a large hardful and carried it off to my own room. Then, on reflection, f had tried brandy instead of laudanum, and the cotton-wool was thrust in the drawer out of the way. The earrings hail been buried in the cotton-wool. "So you were the thief yourself!" laughed Dora. It was true. If only 1 had strictly followed what my reading had taught me. For, improbable as it was that I should lix on Uncle Poffkins, it would have been still more improbable if T had fixed an myself. I lacked the full courage of my principles, and the result is that—Uncle Poffkins and T do not speak.