LOOSHA'S LOVERS.

Waikato Times, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 3112, 25 June 1892, Page 1 (Supplement)

LOOSHA'S LOVERS.

By the Kitchen Oat. Loosha's disposition is not of the soft, and melting kind ; her demeanour towards the sterner sex is uniformly sharp, incisive, and superior. She has no patience with the men, she is wont to say —their ways are such. Yet she possesses swarms of followers. Foolish house-flies gravitate irresistibly towards the delusive square of brown paper well smeared with a mixture of resin and treacle, and known to house-wives under the euphonious name of " Catch-em-alive O !" In the same way eligible young men of her own rank in life are drawn to Loosha. She takes possession of them, body and soul, seemingly without effort. Her tenderest epithets are " soft " or " loobv"; and if she has been followed in fear, she is courted in trembling. The livers of the most audacious wooers turn to water at her frown. It is certain that no male creature ever asserted and exercised a mastery over Loosha's proud spirit until the Railway Guard appeared upon the scene. Still I used to think, in the days before her cousin Dave was sent to Bermuda, that if Loosha entertained a tenderness, it was for that burly, good-natured, somewhat dullwitted giant.

Dave was a full private in the Foot Guards and a steady-going soldier enough, though there were times when, as his aunt, Mrs Hemmans, said, " his spirits got the better of him." Whether the article in question was native, Irish, or Scotch, she did not explain — perhaps because that throughout the duration of that thirsty madness, to recurrent attacks of which the young defender of his country was subject, he would cheerfully avail himself of any beverage that came in his way, provided it posessed the simple qualifications of burning in the gullet as it went down and getting into the head afterwards, It was while under the influence of some such potable thaw Private Hemmans conceived and executed that project of desertion from his regiment which heaped upon his family irretrievable disgrace, and bowed Loosha's grey airs with sorrow to the grave, as that jetty-locked young person declared impressively.

The recreant was sought, officially and formally, without success. It was surmised that he had left the country—that he had been waylaid and murdered even ; but this theory Loosha indignantly refused to accept. A young fellow who could bend a kitchen poker on the muscle of his forearm and bite a neat semicircle out of a pewter pot was not, Loosha averred, to be kidnapped and "galotted" (by 'which we will presume she meant garotted). Let others abandon hope who would. Something told Loosha that Dave was only lying low, and that she should set her eye on him yet. It may be mentioned that Loosha's eye is not to be joked about. It possesses gimlet-like attributes of boring through mysteries, together with an elastic property which enables it to take the exact measure of any person who may approach Loosha with ulterior designs upon her family, herself, or the property of her employers. It will move on a tramp quicker than a constable, and has been known to cause a " ramping mad " cab-horse, while in the very act of running over Loosha, to pull up short. She is conscious of its power, and boasts of it. She did not underrate its abilities in the case of Dave. It pounced on him falconwise, and singled him out frou amongst a knot of loaters at the bar of a shady public house in one of the purlieus abutting on Hammersmith Broadway. How Loosha, came to be wandering alone in such a vicinity has never yet been explained. It was her afternoon out, and she may have been following up a clu«. At any rate there she was ; and there was Dave, basely oblivious of his Queen, his country, and his cousin, arrayed in kaleidoscopic attire and gloomily standing drinks all round. "To a pretty lot!" as Loosha said afterwards ; most of them lookin' as if they'd dossed in their clothes for months past,and done with a dry polish by way of washin.' As for Dave' I should a' considered my kitchen tongs defiled with his contract. His uniform clothes was gone, an' he'd a old pair o' velveteen kickshers on as must a' belonged to a railway wheeltapper out o' luck as had smothered hisself in his own grease-pot. And he'd a shoddy tweed jacket out at elbers, buttoned up tight to 'ide his army rasper " (technical vernacular for the blue linenticking garment provided by a grateful nation for its defender) " an' an old Scotch cap. 'E was looking 'angdog enough when I just clapped my eye on 'im; but when I calmly bounced in and stood before him like a avengin' angel, cheap was not the word for what that feller felt. I b'live if he could a'shrunk up small enough to 'ide in a spittoon he'd a done it."

" Good afternoon, Private Hemmans." 1 says, throwing 'im a sneer. "You're 'avin' an enjoyable furlough ain't you ?" " Furlough he busted !" sezee, seein' that there was nothin' for it but to bounce. " I've cut the old gal's service, and I'm a free man. Not a bloomin' white nigger pipeclayin' belts on a shillin' a day, and blowin' myself out on chaff bread and cheap taters, cow-cabbage an' biled beef, to the tune that the old

'orse died of. If every 'orse as 'as been conshumed by the reg'ment since it was a reg'ment," 'e says, " was to drag me, I ain't agoin' back. Blow on me if you like," sezee ; " but I know you 'avern't the 'art to do it." " I ain't goin' to blow on you," I says, fixin' him with my oyo. "You're a-goin' to blow on yourself." " Wot words are these, Loosha Hemmans ? " sezee. " Simpularly," says I, " that you're a-goin' to come along with me, now directly minute, to Barracks, and give yerself up." " Ho!" sezee, "is that your little game ? " "My little game," I answers, "and yours likewise." At that a fusby old party in drink and an oilskin cape—as was treating two females you couldn't call nothing else were you put on your oath to it to gin an' peppermint—puts 'is oar in. " Are you a man or ain't you?" sezee to Dave, "to allow yourself to be overrode by a petticoat in this here way. Pluck up your 'art for 'er." " Stop 'er mouth! " says Dave ; "I'd like to know 'ow you'd set about it." "I'd begin' by kissin' it," says the old wulgarity; "an' if that didn't do I'd put my fist into it, I would!" An''e grins'ornd. " Would yer ? " says Dave, firin' up, 'an landed 'im one as felled 'im on the spot. "'Ere, you gal and feller," says the landlord, bustlin' round the bar. "I aint a-goin' to 'ave no assaults. This is a respectable 'ouse. D'jeer ? " "I'eer,"l says, "but should never a-guessed it from the company you encourages. Loafers and deserters—that's you mark." At that 'e goes for me, and similarly the potman for Dave; but Dave jest waved 'is arms as if 'e was swimmin', and them two went to look for the fust one in the sawdust. Then Dave opens the door for me as polite as polite, and out

we goes. "Now," I says, " you come along 0' me to Barracks, nip, and no mistake about it." "Allright," says Dave; "I've surrendered to you, Loosha, an' I'm on my parrull not to hook it; but one condition I will make, and that you never let me yeer the word deserter from your lips no mare, for that I will not put up with." " All right," I says, and motions 'im to walk on a'ed, being such a scarecrow as would demean any young woman as valued 'erself to be seen in company with. And we goes in procession to the Barracks. I never see a sentry more on the broad grin than that one at the gate when he saw Dave brought in a prisoner. "When you can shut your face, young man," I sez to him, sharp-like, " per'aps you'll give Miss Hemman's compliments to the sergeant on duty, and say as she's brought in his—" and I'd nearly said the word, but something in Dave's eye warned me, so I ended up, " the missin' private of Comp'ny 0." The sentry shakes 'is bearskin an' grins, meanin' as 'e's on dooty; so I calls out, " Guard !" and out tumbles the sergeant an' a corporal and file. They saw Dave, an' was goin' to 'url themselves on 'im like tigers; but I throws myself between.

"No violence," says Dave, adroring of 'is figger up, and stretching out 'is right arm, commandinglike—" no violence. I take you all to witness as I've surrendered—to my cousin Loosha ! Take me to the black-'ole, Sergeant Mappin, an' report me in the mornin'; but mind ye tell the Colonel that I surrendered to my cousin Loosha fust of all." An' to the last 'e kep' repeatin' that as they 'ustled 'im away ; an' I b'lieve it 'ad somethin' to do with 'is gettin' off so easy.

Our butcher's foreman is the victim of a hopeless passion for Loosha, manifested by the laying of votive kidneys and propitiatory sweetbreads on the shrine. But the warmth of his affection does not atone in Loosha's opinion for the suet with which he lubricates his hair. There was a fireman; but Loosha would not allow her affections to dwell upon him, in consideration of th» perils attending his profession. To marry a husband who, when one was going about one's household duties, might be slowly a-roasting to a cinder, would be wearing to the nerves, she says. The elderly married porter who looks after Middleclass Flats has never repeated the daring act of unlawful osculation which was visited with such summary retribution by our dragon of domestic virtue. It happened, if I remember, when the miniature lift dedicated to the tradesmen's parcels and coalscuttles went along—stuck four feet below the level of our landing and refused to budge. So, with the intention of ascertaining the nature and extent of the local complication, Jellams got into it, Loosha having undertaken to lighten his labours with conversion, and composite candle. Alas lor the frailty of mankind ! Then it was that, undeterred by the fear of scalding grease or boiling indignation, our porter attempted to wrest a kiss from the lips that were near. And as the indignant Loosha (lumped him on the head with the candlestick, the temporary mechanical obstruction yielded to the impulse of outraged virtue, and the porter, with one wild cry, shot swiftly downwards and disappeared. He arrived, ultimately, in the coalcellar, to the relief of our hanei-

maid, who liad had awful visions of his sticking in the shaft and suffocating slowly, with bloodcurdling groans, while masons were pulling down the building to get at him. Tho active and intelligent policeman of the rural district in which we spent the summer vocation is anothor of Loosha's admirers. 110 had been known to arrive at our garden gate, hot on the track of a grindstone which had been purloined from a farm twenty miles off, and spent three hours in Loosha's kitchen looking for a clue. She said, on his taking leave, that if the grindstoao was travelling no faster than he did, its recovery might be counted on, but otherwise slie had her doubts of its being overtaken before jiminiday. "VVe do not know What day that is, but it marks the rubicon of ultimate possibility — with Looslia. She had fixed the date of her marriage for jiminiday—until she met the Kailway Guard. He must be a person of strong character. He travels oa the Great Eastern express ; and Loosha met him when her health necessitated her being sont to her aunt's at Yarmouth, carriage-paid and with her address and general biography written on a card inside her frock in case of a smash-up. Ee was very attentive, was that guard—bringing Loosha Bath buns at Cambridge, and causing the stoker to boil eggs hard for her in the engine-boiler. A few days afterwards he came to tea with Loosha's aunt; made a great impression on the shrimps and bread and butter; an.l a slight one on Loosha, it must be believed—for since her return, she has for some months past made a point of seeing him off for Liverpool station every Wednesday—Wednesday being her day out. This ceremony performed, Loosha had been wont to partake of tea in the guard's room, under tho auspices of two particularly agreeable members of the fraternity. Wind of this getting to the ears of Mr Kidgery, his jealousy was aroused; and he took measures to assert his pretentions, once and for all, to the monopoly of Loosha, in quite a Machiavellian manner. " I never should 'a suspected him of anything so deep," said Loosha afterwards. " When 1 sees him off, him a-leaning out of the window of his van and waving his green flag, I thought there was something in his eye, but it might a' been a cinder or a tear for all I knew. Little did I think he'd get out at Gridlev 'Eath, six stations away, send the express on under charge of a friend, and come back by the next Metropolitan, And as I was having a cup o' tea in the guards' room along of Mr Jollit and Mr Wimble, I was paralysed at the lips by his eye a-glarin' through the little winder. And then the door opens, and in comes 'is 'ed. 'E never breathed 'is lips of a word, but jest beckoned me with 'is finger like the ghost in Amlick; and though I never bowed to the will of man before, I followed that finger like a lamb to the slaughter. ' 'Ow is it to be?' sezs 'e when we gits outside. 'Is it Jollit, or is it Wimble, or is it me? Because if it's me I won't 'avc no see-sawin' with my affections. Come, d'jeer ! Give us the word!' And afore I knowed it I give him the word, and we're to walk out reg'ler from next Sunday."—St. James' Gazette.