MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.

Waikato Times, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 3055, 13 February 1892, Page 1 (Supplement)

MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.

At a dinner given to General Grant the fifteenth and last regular toast was "The Babies. As they comfort us in our sorrows, let us not forget them in our festivities," and to this Samuel L. Clemens responded. He said—l like that. We have not all had the good fortune to be ladies. We have not all been generals or poets, or statesmen ; but when the toast works down to the The Babies we stand on common ground— (laughter) for we have all been babies. (Renewed laughter). It is a shame that for a thousand years the world's banquets have utterly ignored the baby. (Laughter). If you will stop and think a minute—if you will go back fifty or a thousand years the world's banquets have utterly ignored the baby. (Laughter). If you will Btop and think a minute—if you will go back fifty or a hundred years to your early married life— (laughter)—and contemplate your first baby you will remember that he amounted to a great deal, and even something over. (Roars). You soldiers all itnow that wheu that little fellow arrived at family head-quarters, you had to hand in your resignation. (Laughter). He took eutire command. You became his lacky—his mere body-servant—(laughter) —and you had to stand around, too. (Renewed laughter). He was not a commander who made allowance for time, distance, weather, or anything else. (Convulsive screams). You had to execute his order whether it was possible or not. (Roars). And there was only one form of machinery in his manual of tactics, and that wae the quick. (Shouts). He treated you with every sort of insolence and disrespect—(laughter) and the bravest of you didn't say a word. (Great laughter). You could face the death storm of Donelson and Viokaberg, and give back blow for blow, but when he clawed your whiskers, and pulled your hair, and twisted your nose, you had to take it. (Roars). When the thuuders of war were sounding in your ears you set your faces towards the batteries, and advanced with steady tread ; but when he turned on the terrors of his warwhoop—(laughter)—you advanced in the other direction, and mighty glad of the chance too (Renewed laughter). When he called for soothing Byrup did you venture to throw out any side remarks about certain services being unbecoming an officer and a gentleman? (Boisterous laughter.) No ; you got up and got it. (Great laughter). When he ordered his pap bottle and it was not warm, did you talk back? Not you. You went to work and warmed it. (Shouts). You even descended so far in your menial office as to take a suck at that warm insipid stuff—(laughter)—just to see if it was right—three parts water to one of milk— (tumultuous laughter)—a touch of sugar to modify the colic—(laughter)—aud a drop of peppermint to kill those immortal hiccoughs. (Roars). I can taste that stuff. (Laughter). And how many things | you learned as you went along ! iSenti- | mental yonug folks still take stock in that beautiful old saying that when the baby smiles it is because the angels are I whispering to him. Very pretty, but too thin—simply wind on the stomach, my friends. (Shouts). If the baby proposed to take a walk at hiß usual hour— two o'clock in the morning—didn't you rise up promptly and remark, with a mental additional that would not improve a Sunday-school book, that that was the very thing you were going to propose yourself ? (Great roars). Oh 1 you were under good discipline, and as you went faltering up and down the room in your undress uniform, you not only prattled undignified baby-talk, but you even tuned up your martial voice and tried to sing " Rock-a-by baby m a treetop," for instance. (Great laughter). What a spectacle for an army of the Tennessee ! And what an affliction for the neighbours, too, for it is not everybody for a mile around that likes military music at three o'clock in the moruintr. (Lmghter). Aud when you have been keeping this sort of thing up for two or three hours, acd your little velvet head intimated that nothing suited him like exercise and noise, what did you do ? You simply went on until you dropped into the last ditch. (Laughter). The idea that a baby doesn't amount to anything ! Why one baby is just a house and front yard full by itself. (Laughter). Oue baby can furnish more business than you and your whole interior department can attend to. He is enterprising, irrepressible, brimful of lawless activities. (Laughter). Do what you please, you can't make him stay on the reservation. Sufficient unto the day is one baby. (Laughter). As long as you are in your right mind, don't you ever pray for twius. (Laughter) Mr Clemens is the father of a pair. (Laughter). Twins amount to permanent riot, and there ain't any dif' ference between triplets and an insurrection. (Loud laughter.) Yes, it was high time for a toast to the masses to recognise the importance of babies. Think what is in store for the present crop ! Fifty years from now we shall all be dead. 1 trust—(laughter)—and then this flag, if it still survives (and let us hope it may) will be floating over a republic numbering 200,000,000 souls, according to the settled laws of our increase. Our present schooner of state— (laughter)—will have grown into a political leviathan—a Great Eastern. The cradled babies of to-day will be on deck. Let them be well trained, for we are going to leave a big sontract on their hands. (Laughter). Among the three or four million cradles now rocking in the land are some which this nation would preserve for ages as sacred things if we could know which ones they are. In some of these cradles the unconscious Farragut of the future is at this moment teething—(laughter)—think of it aud putting in a word of dead earnest, inarticulate, but perfectly justifiable, pro faulty over it too. (Laughter). In another the future renowned astronomer is blinking at the shining milky way with E. liquid interest, poor little chap, wondering what has become of that other one they call the wet nurse. (Laughter). In another the future great historian is lying, and doubtless will continue to lie—(laughter) —until his earthly mission is ended. In another, the future president is busyiug himself with no profounder problem of state than whac the mischief has become of his hair so early—(laughter)— and in a mighty array of other cradles there are now some 60,000 future office-seekers, getting ready to furnish him occasion to grapple with that same old problem a second time. And in still one more cradle, somewhere under the flag, the future illustrious commander-in-chief of the American armies is so little burdened with his approaching grandeurs and responsibilities, as to be giving his whole strategic mind at this momeut to trying to find out some way to get his big toe into his mouth—(laughter)—an achievement which, meaning no disrespect, the illustrious guest of the evening turned his attention to some 56 years ago ; and if the child is but a prophecy of the man, there are mighty few who will doubt that he succeeded. (Laughter and applause),