HUMOROUS.

Waikato Times, Volume XXX, Issue 2426, 28 January 1888, Page 2 (Supplement)

HUMOROUS.

ei-lETOOK HIM AT HIS WORD

Wriugles had some teeth pulled l.itoly, and took cold in his jaw which swelled until it looked like a pri/.-s watermelon. Ho poulticed it and bandaged it, and walked the floor several mights with it. But all to no purpose, it kept on swellinc;. The other morning ho remarked to his wife that he'd give £10 to any ono who would hit; him a tremendous thump on it, suddenly, without his expecting!', to see if it would burst the swelling. The dear woman smiling to herself went and gathered a bootjack, and, stepping up behind the old man as hi; was trying to get some coffee through his teeth, lovingly inquired : _ n " Where does it pain yon most, Wrig? "Oh, Lord ! Right here !" replied he, as he turned his jaw up and pointed to the apex of his protuberance. Taking a step back, the dear woman raised the bootjack ou high, and hit him a regular bungstarter in the centre of the calamity, and smilingly stepped back to await results. Tho old man's knees flew to his chin as he shut up like a rat trap, and with a hollow groan he rolled off the chair on to the floor. But he was up in a moment; and as he danced the can-can, with orginal variations, his wife smilingly asked : " Did it relieve you, dear ?" As he tried to howl out an answer, old Mrs Pry, who had justy dropped in, heat a hasty retreat. And now tho whole neighbourhood has it that " Wriggles lias got 'em again !"

lIABOUN ALEABOHID DISPENSES JUSTICE. " Tis bettor t'> li:ivc loved and lost, Thau never to have loved at all,'' mused Haroun Alraschid pensively, sis he ascended the throne. " Ain't that so, Giafar ?" " "Well, I dunno." Raid the vizier, <ruardedly. " What. seems ta be the matter with your illustrious muchness this morning ?" '' Blighted hopes, Giafar," sighed the caliph."" I have loved and lost._ I haven't been so broken up since my fifth wife eloped with a. nojn'o minstrel. " Great Scott?" said Giafar, beneath bis breath. Then in a louder tone he asked, "Is your slavo to be honoured with your confidence ?" " Oh, there's not much to tell," said Haroun Alraschid. "I never spoke to her in my life Giafar, and I don't suppose now I ever shall. She is a chorus-jxirl in I'inafore, at the Opera House. Last, night, I sent her a bouquet of rnro exotics, and after the performance I went round to the stage-door to await her coming.'

" Oil, ain't you awful !" cried tin; vizier but, in n'pitc of bis assumed mirth, ho was evidently ill atei^c "'I h;id i, ii.il- :.-rived there however," continue.i tho caliph, "when my latest wifo iipn:ared on the scene. Some one had jrivrn mo away." "Win could it have been?" cried Guif.ir. " I dou't know," replied the monarch, "but if I iiuil out, I'll make mighty short work of him. Dj jou suspect any one y" " No, I don't," said the vizier, wipingthe perspiration from his brow, " but I'll inquire round and see if I can find out, for you. And now, your nibs, shall I open the court-room r" " Y'.-s, I .s'poso you rnay as well. Wait till I yet a picturesque position. Now do I look nico i" '' Just too sweet for anything , ." ll Good enough. Admit the prisoners.'' A woman of rather prepossessing appearance entered, followed by a sorrowfullooking man with a bandage over bis left eve.

"There's nothing half so sweet in life As love's young dream," warbled the caliph with an arch glance at the \nc\y. "What tribute," ho added, "can the hand of royalty lay at the feet of beauty.' "This man, O Commander of the Faithful," was tho reply, "is my husIvinrt, whom I caught this morning in the act of eloping- with another woman. I have already punished him to the extent of my ability, and I want you to finish tno job." "Ob, frailty," soliloquized tho caliph, '' thy name is another woman ! Well," he continued, " I'll seo what I can do for you. Who is the other? , ' '• May it please your niba, she is a bookagent, who " " A female book-agent!" shouted Haroun Alraschid. " Say no more. You should have let him go ; the crime would have brought its own punishment. I cannot find it in my heart to iulliot the penalty prescribed by law upon a man possessed of such daring and hardihood. Sentence is suspended, and you are both honorably discharged.'' Tho next prisoner led into tho royal presence by Giafar was a well-dressed young mm of about twenty. " Nay it please your nibs," said tho vizier, " this man is accused of interfering with the enjoyments of the audience at, a concert at the Academy of Music last evening, by systematically demanding the repetition of each pieoe on the programme. He is what is known in Western conntries as tho encore fieud." "Inm determined," s>iid the caliph, sternly, " to resist the inroads of Western civilization in every way in my power, and this is just tho kind of case 1 have looking for. Have him executed at once."

As the prisoner wa:- led nway, howling, a me.sscnircr entered, ! e .t a salver, upon which liiy a delicately pt-i'i'uuied uoto, addressed to Haroiiu Alrrschid. "Shut up shoj), C-Ji.-if:ir,'* said Uio monarch, jrloefully, when lit; had ulaneed at the <'-fj»ti j nt.s of the epi^ih , . " I'm troinir nut, for ;i fow hours. If iwiy one of my wives want to Icnmv where 1 iim, you cat) say I've boon called tuv.iy on important business. Tn, t,n, old mini," and Haroun Alrasehid put ou his ulster uud hurried out. " It makes mo lose all respect for him," muttered Gisifar, as he carefully dusted the throne, " to find him trying to gaju the affections of my very best girl. 1 hated sir, to havy to irive him awny, but the worm whun trudden on will speak out occasionally." -rTitlrllits.