Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXIX, Issue 2358, 20 August 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

The Air Apparent. -A f-.g. A fot-srER-KEsT.—Parsing a bad sixpence. _Aimci.Es ok WideSpreu* PopruniTT. T'uibr -ila--. Lice is a -hurt day. but it is a working dav.—Hannah More. Prni’OsEs. like - -.'Vs unV-ts they be hatched intoacli..ii, will run mb.rottenness. Smiles. \\ liar m a vv.tman l- called “curiosity” in a m in i- gran diliiqipuitly magnified into the “ spirit of inquiry.” Hors::. pr..pi i.-t..r ; “ Wn don’t allow any games of chance here.” “ This isn’t a game of diane-. Mv friend h-rc has no chance.” \*.CNo sh.ivkiis.—l-.iners apprentices. An i iratpi.n Ki i.i. or Ficirative LaN.iCAoi;. fi.e Budget s| —ecii. Where would the very stones cry out? hi a l.owiiug w ildeme-e. Ik you wA-dd n--t have affliction visit y.*u twice. !i-t---i at ..nee to what it teaches. A tinsmhh in the country has a sign which r-ads. “ <.} i irt measures of all shapes and sizes sold here.” A man is. in general, better pleased when he ba>. a g-i.-d dinner upon his table than when h:s wife -|--aks Creek.—Samuel Johnson. No woman cm be handsome by the force of features al*.n-*, any more than she can he witty only bv the help of siiecch.— Hughes. Brows say* that chousing a wife is very much like ordering a meal in a Paris restaurant when you do not understand French. V..u may not get what you want, hut you will get something. Boston mother: "<ih, yes, all my daughters are in society now 1 My youngest came out last week.” Chicago woman; “Wc .say‘made her debut" out West. Ob, by-tbe-vvay, has she made a mash yet V Jeim;e every man by what he cannot do, and you will find no man of ability. Judge every man by what he has accomplished in the fields with which he is familiar, and you get at bis real siz-, Newl se for Kncvclos.—*A lady lately accounted l"r tbo sudden arrival oi her son from Cambridge by explaining that be “had ridden all the way on his encyclopedia.” He was the VVbonc Co loir,—A few days ago a very handsome woman entered a country diaper’s and asked for a bow. The polite assistant drew himself up and remarked that be was at her service. “ Yes; but 1 want a bulf. not a green one,” was the reply. "Johnny, here you are at breakfast with your face unwashed r said his mother. I know it, mamma. I saw the little things that live in water through papa’s microsco|w last evening, and I’m not goin’ to have them crawlin’ over my face with their funny little legs 1” KutENiisHiß and love differ mainly in this—that whereas the felicity of friendship consists in a mutu.il interchange of benefits, intellectual and other, that of lore is in giving on one part and receiving on the other, with a reciprocal |>erception of bow sweet it is t * the endower to endow and the receiver to receive. A livino cleric recently made this startling announcement“ My brethren, we ail know what it is to have a half-wanted fish —i.e., half-formed wish —“in our hearts. ’ The same individual has been known t*v sjieak of “ Kinqncring congs.” He must b - a relative of two other clergymen, one of whom gave oat his text from “ the Colostle to the Kpi-sians,” while the other read “knee of an idol ” for “ eye of a needle.” The Lime-Kiln Clvr.—“l would a nouace to vou, " >ai J Brother tiardner, as the meeting opened. “ dat de very, very Honourable (tuy Wallingbroke, of New < Irleans, am waitin' in de aunty room to address us on de subjiek of ‘Ail Sorts of Fits, au’How to Cure Kui. De committee will bring him in. an' let nobody blow his non wuile lie great man is wrasslin* wid his addres-. V\ hen the committee returned with the visitor it was seen that he was considerably affected by drink. There was a srtsMiicious weakness in his knees, a tort of looseness to his whole body, and it was only with a great effort lhat he managed to bow to Llder Toots and to ask Whalebone Howker, as be went up the aisle, if his pa and ms were as well as could Do yrxiiected under the circumstances. When he reached the platform he bowed bi low to the audience that Waydown llebec had to help straighten him up. Then ha began his address ; *• Fits Kr Fils. Swore fits. \\ buzzer fits? Mi subjiek is er fits. Wiioz.z.er g't fits? Kh? Like ’er see ’er nigger who kin ‘re-t me ” It was plain that the very, very Honourable Guy Wallingbroke was drunk, and Brother Gardner signalled to the committee to remove him. \\ hen the d'*or of the anteroom had closed t eiiind him tile President said I doaii know what his cure fur lit-ar, but I/.-; game to try one of my own. Brudder Jones, Lake him down de alley Slabs an’ apply the sole-leather cure!” In the c-airse of two or three minutes it became apparent that the remedy was being applied. The windows rattled, the relics in the museum threatened to fall off the shelve*, and yells of terror floated up from the alley. When Brother Jones returned and took his seat, the President said : “Demectin’ will now go on, d-' same as if it had not been interrupted by fits. If any of you should meet d - very, very Honourable Miss'r Wallingbroke to-morrer or next day, advise him to quit da lector' field an’ Fam de cooper’* trade.” The Secretary announced a communication from Critfin, (la., signed by 10 Coloured residents of the place, offering the Lime- Kiln Club a lot in which L* bury the Kev. 1 ’eustock at his dealii. The President was about to instruct the secretary to return the thanks of the club and accept the kind offer when Penstock sprang to his feet and exclaimed “Mi«s‘r President, I protest! 1 look upon dat communication as a deliberate insult 1” “Shoo! Brudder Penstock, what's de matter?” “ Dat communication are de matter, sab I” “ Doan’ you want to be buried in Griffin?” “No. sail!’’ “I > >.in’ yon want to accept de lot ?” “No, sab!” “Very well, Brudder Penstock. De offer may hev bin a leetie Loo previous, but I ar’ satisfied dat it was made wid de kindest intensliuns. We will answer dat you can't accept, on account of a previous engagement''—Detroit Free Press. 2