OUR SPARE ROOM.

Waikato Times, Volume XXIX, Issue 2343, 16 July 1887, Page 1 (Supplement)

OUR SPARE ROOM.

Thk em-rent number of the Argosy contains, as usual, a good amount of excellent reading, and probably, to old subscribcrs of this popular periodical, the paper regarded as the most interesting will bo tho memoir of Mrs Henry Wood, tho late editor, whose genius shone so conspicuously for many years throughout its pages, and whose “ flattie in life ” is ably and touchingly related hy her talented son, the present editor, Mr 0. W. Wood. The above heading is that of an amusing little sketch told in very sprightly fashion. A young couple, taking a now house, decide to have no spare room, their reason being that they desire to discourage the visits of a maiden aunt, who has a fancy to write to her friends in Town, and odor herself as a visitor just from Saturday to Monday ; hut the visit is generally spun out to a much longer term than is regarded as agreeable, consequently “no spare room ” is tho arrangement agreed upon by the youthful housekeepers. They take a house ; but there is a spare room ; then the question arises how shall it be filled. Various projects are started but abandoned ; at last but boro we will let the husband relate his amusing story : I dashed tip stairs into tho drawingroom, where Margaret was sitting. ‘Oh, Charley !’ she cried; “ how yon startled me. I was altering a dress, ami I thought you were a caller.” And she pulled out her paraphernalia from under the sofa, whore she had hastily huddled it.

‘ Margaret,’ I cried, ‘ I have an idea ! ’ ‘ What ?’ she said, and looked as astonished as if 1 had said I Had got a megalosaurus in my pocket. ‘I have an idea about the spare-room,’ I gasped : for I was very much out of breath with my rapid ascent of the stairs. ‘ Wo will—make it —into—a billiardroom.’ And I sank into an arm-chair. ‘Get on yonr hat, and we will go out and order a billiard-table at once.’ ‘ A billiard-room ! Of course ! the very thing !' ejaculated my wife. ‘ Why didn’t we, either of us, think of such a simple thing before?’ I was not quitese sure about the simplicity of it—as regarded the cost, at any rate. When Margaret had got her bat and I had recovered my breath, we sallied forth, my wife perpetually wondering all the way into Oxford-street why we had not thought of such a simple thing before. ‘Besides,’she said, ‘only think of the cheapness of furnishing a billiard-room. Why, yon absolutely want nothing, except the table and a few seats.’ ‘ A carpet, though, would rather improve the appearance of the room, would it not ? ’ 1 ventured to put in. ‘ Well, yes ; but a carpet is not furniture.’

I was silent, bat I did not feel so thoroughly convinced of the cheapness of the arrangement; the cost was certainly the least brilliant part of my idea, I could not help thinking.

Before vve went home to tea that afternoon, we had ordered a square of Turkey carpet, a capital second-hand, full-sized billiard-table, and a few leather-covered seats to put round the room. The carpet was to be made a fixture the next day ; there was no difficulty about that part of the business ; but the table and seats could not be scut till Saturday morning.

It was running things very closu! Suppose Aunt Georgina and the billiard - tables were to make their entry into the house at the same time ? We were not a stone's throw from the Great Western Hotel, and she was sure to come round directly she arrived—she was one of those people who must air their tongues. But no ! On second thoughts such a horrible rencontre would be unlikely. Saturday is only a half-day, and the men would he sure to want to get their work over early. It was also extremely improbable that Aunt Georgina would arrive before the afternoon. Still, in spite of all this, we both felt a little nervous, and we talked a good deal about it during dinner, and afterwards when we retired to my little snuggery of a smokingroom, opposite the dining-room. About nine o'clock wo. heard the postman’s knock, and Margaret flew to got the letters. She brought back a postcard from Aunt Georgina, and we nearly tore it in two with both trying to read it at the same time—though there was not much to road. ‘ I shall arrive to-morrow morning at the G.W. Hotel, and shall look in upon yon some time in the afternoon,’ was all the information it gave us. I drew a long breath of relief. ‘By Jove! IVluit a blessihg ! ’ I said. ‘By the time she arrives here, our spareroom will be a fnll-iledged. business like looking billiard-room, and she will suspect nothing.’ I am snre we both slept better that night than we had all the week. Directly breakfast was over the next morning, we began to expect our men. I had taken a whole holiday—or I should say a half-one, as I always come home early on Saturdays—in the honour of the billiard-table and Aunt Georgina. When ten o’clock struck, Margaret allirmed it

as her opinion that the men were not coming at all. I tried to disabuse her of this idea. But when eleven and twelve had struck, and still there were no signs of them, I began to be alarmed myself, and Margaret walked up and down between the back and front drawing-rooms like a hear in a cage or a tragedy actress rehearsing her scene. I had just gone to my study for a newspaper, when, half-way down the stairs, I heard a shriek from Margaret. I hurried hack at once. She was standing by the window. ‘Come! Come !’was all that she could say.

‘ What is it ?’ I cried, rushing to the window. ‘ The billiard-table ?’ Alas ! it was no such vision of bliss. A four-wheeled cab had just drawn up at our door, from the window of which was seen protruding tho crumpled black face of a pug, and a huge nosegay of flowers.

1 Perhaps it is someone come to tha wrong house,’ I said, faintly, catching at a straw. But the next moment this straw was swept away from me, as a stout, fair lady in a towering floral bonnet, stopped gingerly out of tho vehicle, pug in one hand and flowers in the other. It was no optical delusion. It was Aunt Georgina. In another minute she would be in the drawing-room. What were wo to do, Margaret, however, did not lose her presence of mind even in this unlookedfor and awful crisis. lu all the five years of our married life I have never known it to desert her.

1 Now, Charlie,’ she said emphatically, ‘what we have fo flo is to occupy her and keep her in this room till the billiardtable arrives. She looked pale but dauntless, and I felt ray courage rising by force of example. ‘Suppose the table does not come at all ?’ I could not help suggesting, dismally. ‘ It's sure to come,’ she said, catching her breath; 1 and try not to look as if any tiling was the matter. ’ ‘Well, and hero I am, you seel’ cried a histh-pitched voice. And Aunt Georgina sailed into the room, pug-dog, flowers anti all, diffusing an over-power-ing odour of patchouli around her, ' I thought you wouldn’t mind my dropping into lunch.’ (What a lucky thing this isn’t the Palace of Truth, I though to myself). ‘I couldn’t wait auy longer to see my dear Maggie.’ (Hero she rap-

tuously kissed my wife). ‘ Besides,’ he added, candidly, ‘they have nothing I could eat at the hotel: so I left, Hawkins there with my luggage and came on to it straight. I’ve brought you some flowers ont of my garden. Of course 1 know London florists arc perfection, but, after all, there's nothing like the real article.’ One might have supposed from Aunt Georgina’s speech that London florists were in the habit of supplying their customers with artificial bloom. We both murmured our thanks, and our delight at her premature appearance, while I stooped down and patted the pug’s broad back by conciliating its mistress, 'Ah, isn’t she a dear creature,’ cried Aunt Georgina, seizing her in her arms to kiss her. ‘ You’re a beauty, aren’t you, my lovey-dovey?’ The lovey-dovey snorted and wheezed so apopleotioally, in answer to this endearing sqeeze, that it seemed as if it would never be able to get its breath against. So Aunt Georgina deposited her on a velvet covered arm-chair, while she went round the drawing-room, with Margaret’s arm locked in hers, her gold double eye-glass up, exclaiming up and admiring by turns every thing she saw, while I followed in their wake, trying not to look as nervous as I felt. Suddenly, in one of a few and distant pauses in Aunt Georgina’s conversation, or rather monologue, I again heard the sound of wheels stopping at our door—very heavy wheels this time. But iil luck she was just nearing the front windows, after having made the tour of the room. At once her gold eye-glass was up in its place. ‘ Why, I declare !’ she exclaimed. 1 That huge thing looks as if it was stopping at your door. You don’t mean to say you’ve been buying a graud piauo, you extravagant children ?’ It was the billiard table !

I looked at my wife, feeling as if my heart, and, indeed, the whole of my inside wore slowly, but surely, sinking down into my shoos. 1 wish tho earth would open and swallow me up. But the earth, which is seldom as complaisant as one would desire under such circumstances, refused to budge. Margaret was ‘clasping her hands behind Aunt Georgia’s brown silk back. In another moment I felt all would be Inst; when all of a sudden, in tho back drawing-room, rose an unearthly howling and screeching. Margaret’s Persian cat had just strolled lazily into the room, in search of a particular arm-chair, which she loved, when she tvas roughly accosted almost on tho threshold by Boulotte, who, though somewhat adverse to attacking he own species, was not particular!v afraid of a oat. But Mrs Fluff, no’t appreciating the fun of the thing, boxed her ears soundly two or three time? and a regular scrimmage ensued.

Aunt Georgina flew to soothe her howling favourite, while the car., who had jumped on to a neighbouring cabinet, to (ho imminent peril of Margaret's collection of gimoraok pottery, glowed with angry green eyes at her cowardly assailant, her tail the size and eonsi-tenev of a sweep’s chimney-brush. It was none too soon ! As I looked out of the window the men were just hoisting the table out of the cart.

‘You keep her here,’Margaret whispered hurriedly to me. ‘ I must go and look after them, and toll them not to tread heavily.’ And she vanished from the room.

It is not 100 much to say that at this moment I v/as fairly tirrified. If I failed I was responsible to Margaret. I felt a violent desire to seize Aunt Georgia by the arm, and march her up and down the room, as they do a person who has swallowed a narcotic poison. A minute more, and the men’s feet were distinctly audible trampiim past the drawing-room door. If my wife had told them not to tread heavily, they were certainly not obeying her injunctions.

‘ Dear me!” said Aunt Georgina, putting up her eyeglass as if it enabled her to hear better. 1 You don’t mean to say that you have workmen in the house still f’

‘ I think it is somo men coming to look at the pipes,’ I replied. Pipes seem usually the things that workmen come to a house to look at, so I felt it was a safe thing to say, though not strictly true. But Aunt Gooigina seemed bent on investigating things for himself. In fact, her hand was already on the door, while a thrill of horror shot through me, when, fortunately, the door itself arrested her attention. Margaret, who is an adept at painting—on anything but paper (that is to say, she paints on wood, ohiua, terra-cotta, and plush ; but paper, she says, she never can manage)—had spent some day's in decorating the draw-ing-room doors, and the result was eminently charming. ‘ It’s very well done indeed—very well clone,’ sho raid, peering through her glasses at my wife’s artistic productions, ‘ Those foxgloves seem growing up quite naturally out of the ground. By the way, where is Maggie gone to ?’ she exclaimed the next moment, sinking down on to a sofa which stood near.

‘ I—l think she has gone to look after the luncheon,” I stammered. ‘ You see we are young housekeepers even yet.’ And I smiled a deathly smile. I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror opposite, and it seemed to me that I had absolutely aged since I had got up that morning. ‘My hair will be white soon,’ I thought, ‘if this sort of thing goes on much longer.’ ‘Dear mo!’ said Aunt Georgina, suddenly starting up from her seat, and dropping the eye-glasses, through which she had been steadfastly regarding me for some time. ‘ While Maggie is busy, why should you not show me all over the house? It will bo a capital opportunity, and the stairs will give mo au appetite for luncheon.’ I groaned inwardly 7. I had been dreading that she would make this request all along. ‘l—l'm afraid there’s nothing to see,’ I stammered lamely. ‘Nothing to .see?’ echoed Aunt Georgina. ‘ I conclude, if there is nothing worth seeing in the rooms, there are the rooms themselves? Are yon afraid of its taking too long? I should think if, as you say. you do not possess a single spare-room to offer a visitor, that is not likely.’ This was said rather stiugingly, and I felt that it required a decided answer of some kind. Another crisis had come. I screwed np my courage to the sticking point; though, like Macbeth, I felt that I was nothing without my wife. ‘ To tell you the truth, aunt,’ I began, in desperation, ‘ I am afraid Margaret would not at all like my showing you over the house without her. Indeed, I am sure she would bo awfully disappointed. She has been talking about your coming all the week,’ I went on, warming with my theme ; ‘ and looking forward to taking you all over the house, and showing you the new furniture herself, and would bo awfully cut up, I’m sure, if I were to play Cicerone without her.’

I felt my own man again after thus asserting myself, and Aunt Georgina at once looked mollified. It was a happy thought of mine.

I had still another manvais quart d’heuro before Margaret made her appearance, during which I industiiously plied rny charge with photograph albums and hooka of prints. As for the billiard - tablo men, I thought they must have taken their departure up the chimney,

for I heard no more of them on the stairs. Words fail mo to express how delighted I was when the dear girl came hack to relieve guard. I don’t think she had ever made me so happy since the day she said she would he my wife. The luncheon bell rang very soon after, and as we were going downstairs she managed to whisper to me, while Aunt Georgina was attending to her pug, that the table was all right, but the seats bad not come. ‘So I took the largo arm-chair out of your dressing room, and one or two others to put against the walls, and the room looks all right and finished oil’. They’ve fixed the rack up, too, and it looks lovely. I made the men take off their shoos before they went down again. I told them there was someone iil in the house. ‘ Margaret !’ I said, reprovingly. ‘ It’s all right,’ she reolied ; ‘ the cook’s got the toothache. There’s no deception.' Our ordeal was over and we were safe. We had a most delightful luncheon. Aunt Georgina, who always enjoys her food, thoroughly appreciated it, and I opened a bottle of my best champagne in her honour. She was in high good humour, and when afterwards wo escorted her in triumph over our house, she did not turn up her nose at a single thing; not even at Margaret’s many-coloured Early-Euglish bedroom candlesticks, which I own I never hold without a shudder. Her one disparaging remark was made, when just as she was leaving the house, she turned round to my wife, who was standing in the hall, and said; ‘ Your house is absolutely perfection ; the only drawback to it is, that you have no spare-room.’