Parieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 2298, 2 April 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Parieties.

Hpw to make a slow horao fast: Don't feed him. Bblter bend the neck than bruise th» forehead.—Danish Proverb. Pride costs us more than hunger, thirst and cold.—Jetferfion. It is not by war that was is conquered, but bv peace and forbearance,—Colet. A London firm has sent an order to a Victorian firm of vignerous for 00,000 gallons of wine. What part of the author of Waverley's garments may his novels be likened to ? — The tails of Sir Walter's coat. An exchange says "kind words are never lost. . But your wife sometimes mislays them until slie wants another new bonnet. Farmer.—" Well, my man, how much do you want a day?" Irish labourer.— " Sbillin' a day and you ate me, or eighteenpence a day and 1 ate myself." Rkayu/v.—" Who's the new Governor of Bombay ?" •' Lord Reay.'. " Who?" " Reay." Both (delighted)—" Hoo-ray !" I Exeunt on the road to Colney Hatch.] — Punch. A Matrimonial advertisement winds up as follows:—" Fortune no object, but should require the girl's relations to deposit £1500 with me as security for her good behaviour." " How is your old friend Jones getting along ? " "He has been coining money up to last Wednesday." " Why did he stop then?" "He was arrested." "What for?" " Coining money." An English lady who had been in the far East told a French lady that Hindoo girls are taught to think of marriage as soon as they can talk. She replied. "French 'girls are not. They don't require teaching;" Superfluous.—Mr Story Maskelyne, M. P., has introduced a bill for "Preserving" the Thames above Teddington Loch. Preserve, indeed! Why, _it is already a perfect jam—on Bank holidays. — Punch. A Hoi'Elkrs Suhject.—Scene—lrish Land Court. Sub-Commissioner: "Now, Murphy, have you effected any improvement in this farm ?" Tenant: " I have, yer honor ! ' Ivver since I got it I've been improvm' it. But, by jabers, it's that sort o' land the more ye improve it the worrse it gets ! " Court reduces the rent 25 per cent. School Teacher : " Now Master Thompson, tell me the denomination into which the money of the United States is coined ?" Master Thompson : " Don't know." School Teacher : don't you know how the money your father brings home every Saturdav night is divided?" Master Thompson : " Taint divided, Ma takes it all !" "Shall I vind the clock, fadder?"asked young Jacob Isaacstein as they were about to close the store. " No," said the old gentleman with a sigh, " pizness vastoo pad. Choost let it alone, Jacob, und ve will save the vear and tear on the veels." Ax Irishman's Wit.—A short time ago two young "mashers" at the Felling station saw a worthy old native of the Emerald Isle working on the line at the end of the platform. Being desirous of having a little fun with him, one of the youngsters said : "Pat, have you heard he is dead ?' "No, an' shure, who is that's dead ?" " Why, the devil," said one of them. ' - Ah, then, shure there's a penny for each of yez; I'm always sorry for children when they lose their father."

Thb Rev. Doctoss H M were colleagues in the Old Church of Edinburgh. One Sunday, when it was Dr. M.— 's turn to preach he had got himself very much wetted by a heavy rain, and was standing before the sessinn-rootn fire, drying his clothes, when Dr. H came in, whom he requested would that day take his place, as he had escaped the shower. "Oh, by no means," replied_ the doctor; "gang up to the poopit, ye'll be dry eneech there."

" Eannik," he said to her, "I love you with my whole heart, and I want you to be my wife. It is true I'm only a department clerk, with only 1,400 dollars a year; but, Fanny, money doesn't buy happiness. Do you love me darling ?" '' 000-oo !" shecooed, nestling her head on his new coat front. "And you do love me?" he exclaimed with confidence. "You love me with your whole soul and being?" " Maybe not quite that much," she gurgled, "but I love 1,400 dollars worth, George, and that's 400 dollars more than I ever loved any other living man." A whoob-bang sort of a boy, with feet as broad and flat as a pie tin, trotted through a suburban market the other day until he reached a stall kept by a single woman abnnt thirty years .if age. Halting here he shouted out : " Say, say ! Your Httle boy has been run over and lulled up the next street." " Oh, oh, heavens—oh—oh " —— she screamed as she dived under the counter, came up on the outside, and started to follow the boy. After going ten feet she stopped, looked very foolish all of a. sudden, and remarked, " What a goose I am ! Why, lam not even married !"

A Disappointed Female Rhjhteh.—On the last day of registration a woman armed with a bone-handled umbrella walked into the Fourth Precinct of the Second Ward and asked, "Is this where the men register?' , "Yes'ui, and the women too," was the courteous reply. "Then I can register without any fuss?" "Yes'm." "I did'nt know as they 'lowed it," she exclaimed, "but I was determined on it. V'hen I left home I had my mind made up that I'd either register or " "Put your name right down on this sheet or paper,"' interrupted the clerk. "You needn't even give your, age." "I needn't. Well, smithin'wonderful must have happened all at once. 1 guess you men have found out that us women are of some account after all." " Oh, certainly. That's all, ma'am." "And no fuss about ?" "Not a bit." "I expected. JAI have to jaw and tear around, and perhaps use a weapon, and I'm a leetle disappointed." "Yes. , - We won't keep you longer-waiting, ma'am." "Well, I'll go, but my old man won't believe it, and I'll hardly dare say it myself. I expected you'd refuse, and I'd have to jaw and " " Good day, madam." She went grudgingly, and she stood in front of the building for three or four minutes like one locked out, and when .she finally moved off she was saying to herself, "'Well, mebbe the fuss will come in when I try to vote. Mebbe they'll git a, prize fighter to challenge me."