Parieties

Waikato Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 2295, 26 March 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Parieties

EvehY man has two educations—that which is given to him, and that which he gives to himself.—Tynman. A GENTLEMAN called at the residence of Professor Snore, of the University Texas, after dark. Matilda Snowball was standing at the gate. "Is the Professor in?" '■No, sah." "But," said the gentleman, pointing to the window-blind, on which the silhouette of the professor was plainly portrayed, " there he is now." "No, Bah, dat is not hiin; dat's nuffin but his shadder."

He Had Boakdei) Theme.— (Servant to drag clerk): "Oi want twinty-five cents' worth of powder.'' Drug clerk : "What kind of powder—face powder ?" Servant: "Oi don't know, sorr." Drug clerk: " Who is it for?" Servant: "It's for Mrs Hendricks, the lady who kapes the boordin house beyant the corner." Drug clerk : "Oh, yes! I used to board with Mrs Hendricks myself. She wants insect powder." Bill Nye at a Military Banquet.—l am not much of a military man. I once undertook to hold a claim in the North park, but a bitterness sprang up between myself and the Indians, and I lost my front hair. Cholera, chief of the TJtes, came to the Boomerang mine one day, and said he would give me two sleeps to get away in. I did'nt want any difficulty with him, and I thought one sleep was enough, so I hurried right away. I said to him, "Noble warrior of the knock-kneed Utes, take my mine, you can have it ; it's already salted, it will keep through the hot weather all right. Help yourself to anything you can find ; take my grub, take my whiskey; drink yourself into a premature grave_ at my expense, fire up with my nitroglycerine and drop on yourself." And then I got out. IN CHURCH. " Life is short!" the preacher cried From his pulpit up on high, Jameson heard and softly sighed— " True ! ah, true ! And so am I," " Life is real !" the preacher said, Jameson nodded. Vain regrets Bowed in patience his soft head ; " .So," he sighed, "are all my debts.' 1 " Lite is earnest I" next wo heard, Cold sweat oozed through all hia pores. "Yes," he whispered. " that's the word. So are all my creditors." Obliging the Shah.—The Shah of Persia is said to be a mighty hunter, a good shot, and an enthusiastic sportsman. Big game is his delight; and, like all the sportsmen of his country, he uses a smoothbore and a bullet. Of course royal hunts are to a certain extent battues. A strange incident of Eastern life, but a true one, occurred some twelve months ago at one of these royal huntings. As usual, a couple of regiments accompanied the Shah on his hunting party. The men acted as beaters. A tiger was wounded, and was making off under the Shah's eyes. The royal second barrel was discharged, but did not kill the wounded animal. Fearful of losing his quarry, the Shah was re-loading (muzzleloaders are still preferred by Persians), when a private soldier seized the tiger by the tail and detained him long enough for the Shah to dispatch the animal. His Majesty made that soldier a captain on the spot. How Geohge was " Roped in."—" You look very much upset, dear," he said, when she entered the room where he was waiting for her. " Well, I should think I ought to look upset," she answered ; " I've just had a most awful argument with ma !"—and she began to weep hysterically. " Why, what is the matter, my darling?" he inquired, as he slipped an arm around her waist and endeavoured to soothe her. " What was the argument ?" " Oh, how can I tell you. She said you were only trifling with me, and that you would never propose ; and I told her she did you a great injustice, for I believed that you would propose to-night. Slie said you wouldn't, and I said you would; and I'm afraid we both lost our tempers. Dear George, you will not let ma triumph over me, will you.?" " W-h-y, certainly not!", answered George. "I knew it, my darling!" the "girl" exclaimed joyfully. " Come, let us go to ma and tell her how much mistaken she was."

A good story is told about a now eminent actor, who in his younger life played very small parts. Early in his career he secured a modest position in London, and was cast to play the bleeding sergeant on the occasion of Charles Keen's appearance as Macbeth. Almost overwhelmed at the thought of playing a scenc with the great tragedian, the youth was too nervous to make up himself, and secured the assistance of two colleagues, who came nobly to his rescue. Although he at that time weighed only 110 pounds, and had legs of about the calibre of a walking-stick, he was decked out in a pair of tights of Falstaftian dimensions, and abbreviated Roman skirt and large Turkish slippers, which brought his pedal extremities into undue prominence. Keen stood

neechless with amazement as the "good

iid hardy soldier" was lugged on the stage, dangling from the arms of two supers and thoroughly wilted by stage fright. The pause which followed was rudely broken by a voice in the gallery exclaiming, " -ByJo vo ! look at them feet!"

Hk Put His Foot In It.—Two young fellows, partners in the tea-trade, were the best of friends, and their intimacy extended to personal as well as business matters. One of thein, a simple-minded fellow, was a. bachelor, and was in the habit of reading to his partner extracts from letters of an ardent and affectionate nature from a lady in the North of England, who signed herself "Susie." The married one went to China for twelve months, and returned just in time to attend the wedding of his partner. He sent the happy couple a wedding present, and at the wedding reception stepped forward gallantly to pay his respects. "I hardly feel like a stranger," he said, in his sweetest tones, addressing the bride—"in fact, I feel as though I ought to be quite well acquainted with my partner's wife, since he has often done me the honour to read to me extracts from his dear Susie's letters." The faces of the husband and the speaker were studies as the bride drew herself up and said emphatically and distantly, " I beg your pardon—my nair.e is Helen ! "