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Waikato Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 2295, 26 March 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

As an illustration of the " colossal liars " of the West, General M'Cook relates the following:—He was travelling among the Rocky Mountains, and straying one morning from the trail, stood for a moment entranced by the magnificent landscape spread before him, when he was roused from his meditation footsteps of one theguides who had followed him lest he should lose his way. "Is not this magnificent, Bill?" exclaimed the General, anxious to share his delight. "It's mighty purfcv, Gineral," said the guide, " but I kin show you bigger sights nor this. Why, one time Kansas Jim and me had been trampin' three days and nights, and we came to a plain, and right in the midst of it was a forest all turned to solid stun !" The General smiled, and remarked. "I have heard of petrified trees before, Bill." Theguideexpectorated without changing countenance, and continued, "But that warn't all, Gineral; thar war a buffalo on that plain, and lie war petrified on the clean jump, and his huffs had kicked up a bit of sod, and I'm blamed if that warn't petrified in the air !" The General turned an amused countenance on William, and said, "Why, Bill, the sod would have fallen to the ground by theforce of gravity." Without any hesitation, Bill answered, •' Well, by , Gineral, the gravity war petrified, too !"

They Weren't Sandwiches.— Anions? the score of us who rushed into a railroad eating-house, in Mississipi, at the call of " twenty minutes for dinner," was a chap who has his mind up to say something unpleasant when he came to his meal. He was growling when he went in, and lie jawed all the while ho was (eating; and when he slouched up to the desk to pay his seventyfive cents, he broke out with, "'Them sandwiches are enough to kill a do#." "What sandwiches ?" " Why, them on the table.' " But we have no sandwiches on the table, sir," protested thelandlord. " You haven't? Well, I should like to know what you call them roasted brickbats on that blue platter?" "You didn't try to eat one of those?" "Yes, I did." "Then, my friend, you had better go for a doctor at once. Those are table ornaments, made of terra-cotta, and were placed there to till up space. Land o' cats ! but you must have lived in a canebrake all your life !" The traveller rushed into the car, and began to suck at a brandyflask ; and he didn't get over looking pale for three hours. And they were sandwiches after all —real good ham sandwiches made that day. The landlord had adopted that particular style, instead of using a club.— Detroit Free Press. LEMUEL STOUT'S SKATING EXPLOIT. Lemuel Stout is a remarkably lean young man living in our neighbourhood. The other day he told his mother, "Mother" said he, "I'm going to learn to skate;" and so lie went off and bought a pair of club skates, and that same evening saw him at the rink with a green bag on his arm, and a conquer-or-die look on his face. He had a friend along with him who was talking to him in a fashion something like this : " Lem my dear boy all you want is confidence. Just strike out boldly, and you'll surprise yourself. Skating is as easy as rolling off a log. You can't help getting along all right if you only think so." " Nuff sed," returned Lem, and then he sat down and screwed his skates on. When all was ready lie got up. " Now, then," said his friend, " strike out, and don't be afraid.' Lem struck out, and wasn't a bit afraid, but somehow his skates wouldn't go on the right direction, and he couldn't keep his legs together. They didn't appear to be on good terms with each other, and kept sliding further and further apart each moment. Lem is pretty nearly all legs anyhow, and such a strain as this was calculated to make him so "clear to the neck." .For a second he remained at attention, and then with a look of agony he sat down with the force of the pile-driver. He heard a terrible commotion direatly beneath him, and than a chilly wetness pervaded his anatomy which induced him to believe that lie had bored a hole through the ice. Slowly but surely he assumed the position a man usually takes when he sits down in a bottomless chair. "Help! help?" groaned Lem, "I'm drownin'," and then his friend came and took him by the hands and pulled him out with a noise like that produced by drawing: the cork from a champagne bottle. He sat down upon the ice to collect himself. "Hurt much ?" said the friend. "Oh ! oh !" moaned Lem; "I'm nearly killed; it's a compound fracture, I guess," and then he said, "Oh ! oh !" again—in fact, that was the substance of all he had to say. Sympathising lookers-on relieved him of his skates, and then suggested the practicability of his getting up and going home. Acting upon this, Lemuel made several efforts to gain his feet, but tlioy were futile. Some invisible tie bound him to his icy seat. After struggling vainly for some time he tnvned very pale, and then they felt under him. " What's the mattor ?" inquired his friend. "Oh ! I'm frozen, fact, was the faint reply. This caused the bystanders to indulge in sundry smiles and winks at one another, but the joke was entirely lost on young Stout, he being fully alive to the en, orinity of his misfortune. He had soated himself upon the ice, with his pantaloons saturated with water, and, of oourso, frozen fast. To cap the climax at this juncture Lem oaught sight of the young lady to whom he was accustomod to address his \'aloulinc.s and present his confections loo!- in:, - towards him and grinning terribly. This nerved him for the struggle. With a superhuman effort he wrenched himself free at the sacrifice of his trousers, and then, with the skates on his -no his frierii hi' hi« and":' ;a Ue v-. Ms homeward road,