Barieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 2286, 5 March 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Barieties.

RKG U LAK I'OSERS. —Models. Roped IN—The prize ring. Cockney's Definition of Spout with Harriers.— Hare and hexercise. Why is the world like a piano ? Because it is full of flats and sharps. Soil 15 men seem to have a salve for the woes of others, but none for their own. The wise and active conquer difficulties by daring to attempt them. —Rowe. Properly thou hast no other knowledge but what thou hast got by working.— Carlyle. A man must not expect to live in clover simply hooiuise he marries a grass widow.— Boston Bulletin. Sloth and folly shiver and shrink at siprlit of toil and hazard, and make the impossibility they fear.—Rowe. Hn who would command among his fellows must excel them more in energy of will than in power of intellect.—Burnap. Why is a bachelor never brilliant?— Because he has but a single idea, and even that ho would be bettor without. The man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors is like a potato—the only good belonging to him is under ground. Takb care always to form your establish ment so much within your income, as to leave a sufficient sum for unexpected contingencies.—Chesterfield. A nkw'.spapek chronicling the wrecking of a vessel says, "The only passengers were T. B. Nathan, who owned three-fourths of the cargo and the captain's wife." "What a beautiful little dog you've got there Charlie—valuable breed, isn't he?" "It isn't my dog—l thought it was yours, and was just going to say the same thing." " Let's kick the miserable, mangy, blankety blanked cur into the street!" They attempted to oust a school ma'am in Canada because she didn't know whether Lord Cornwallis or General Washington surrendered to the Prussians at Sedan ; but as none of the board could spell the name of Christopher Columbus correctly she was permitted to teach on. A Question in Finance.—Lawyer: "Come iu, come in, Mr Templeton. What can we do for you to-day ?" Mr Templeton: " Weel, Mr Smith, I wis thinkin' about failin'y' see, an' I jist cam' in ta speir whit they were giein' in the poun' the noo." An old man was lecturing his son on the sin of laziness, of which the latter was seriously guilty. " John, said the old man, impressively, you are sure co come to no good end if you go on in this way." "Commit suicide?" suggested the incorrigible, with a sneer. " Maybe," replied his father, dubiously. " But there's one form of suicide you'll never commit—kill yourself with hard work." Character is property. It is the noblest of possessions. It is an estate in the general good will and respect of men ; and they who invest in it, though they may not become rich in this world's goods, will find their reward in the esteem and reputation fairly and honourably won. And it is right that in life good qualities should tell, that industry, virtue, and goodness should rank the highest, and that the really best "men should be the foremost. Lady of the house. "To-morrow is a holiday, Peggy, so vou can go out and enjoy yourself." Menial: "There are so many common people on the streets these holidays that I would prefer to stay in the house. Perhaps you and your husband had better go out and mingle with the mob." Fond husband—" Well, my dear, what are you sobbing about?" Young wife— "Why, that sponge cike I sent to the agricultural fair has just taken the first prize. 800-hoo !" Fond husband—"What is there to cry about in that ? You ought to feel proud, my dear, of your knowledge of the culinary art." Young wife—" But you don't understand. The judges gave it the award as the best specimen of concrete sent in. 800-hoo !' A little boy was reading in his Scottish history an account of the battle of Bannockburn. He read as follows : —" And, when the English saw the new ariny on the hill behind, their spirits became damped." The teacher asked the boy what was meant by "damping their spirit*." The boy, not comprehending the meaning, simply answered, " Pittin' water in the whuskey. The other night a gentleman called at the box-office of a West-end theatre, and asked, if the management would be good enough to take back an orchestra stall he had booked in the morning. " I must explain to you," he said, " my wife died this afternoon, and I do not think it would look exactly proper." "You are right, sir," answered the man in the box, " your money will be refunded." " But that's not what I want," hastily addsd the widower. " Simply change the date and make it good for the night after the funeral." In a village not many miles from Edinburgh lived two worthies named Sandy McTavish and John Bain. They were one night sitting in a public-house enjoying a glass of the real Glenlivet, when the talk turned on politics, on which subject thev "agreed to differ." The discussion got somewhat heated, and Sandy, after much eloquent abuse of the statesman from whose policy he differed, thumped the table till the glasses rattled, and shouted triumphantly. "I tell ye, John Bain, that ye canna argue a wa' facts. Facts are obstinate things." "Man, Sandy," was the canny reply, " what a great fact ye inaun be!"

CAN'T BEAT A LAW CLERK. A stylishly-dressed woman was brought before a magistrate recently, for stealing some ribbons in a shop, flic chief clerk had heard her talking freely with her counsel, and was puzzled because .she looked at him blankly when he asked her name and residence, and replied with a shake of her head. 'She is French,' exclaimed the lawyer, 'and doesn't understand English. Put it down Maria Latouche.' The clerk frowned incredulously. ' What age is she,' lie tusked. 'Twenty-two,'replied the lawyer. Then the clerk's eyes twinkled as he said, softly, ' Thirty-two ?' | No, twenty-two,' snapped the fair prisoner ; but she clapped her hand to her mouth in a inotnont, and began laughing. ' Uinpli!' said the clerk. You can speak English if you don't understand it!'