Page 1 Advertisements Column 2

Waikato Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 2274, 5 February 1887, Page 1 (Supplement)

Short Guide for Girls.—Do not " choose an opposite." You will be opposite enough in time. Take your mother's advice on the question of a husband, provided she took her mother's. Either put your foot down on his cigar before marriage or make up your mind to kaep quiet about it afterwards. Learn to sew and cook if you can, but above all things learn to keep still and look sweet when wild enough to blow the roof off. See and hear all the plays, operas, and concerts you can during the engagement; had weather is very apt to interfere after marriage.

" Daniel Williams, what are you doing here ?" was asked of a dilapidated specimen of the African race as he stood leaning on his crutch before the bar. "I war brung heah, .sah." '' Well, I'm not surprised. A man who will rush around at midnight shouting ' Fire !' ' Murder !' and ' Help !' must expect to answer to someone for it. Daniel, what ailed you ?" " Kin I spoke to you for about an hour, sah ?" "No, sir, Tell your story, but don't be over five minutes about it." " Well, sah, 1 was sleepin , in de back ya'd las' night to avoid de airthquake." "What earthquake?" " De one which was to shake up de town. I didn't want no house to fall on me, an' so I fixed up a place in de back ya'd. I was sleepin' dar as sound as a brick, when long 'cum somebody an' fro wed a pail of water ober me. I fought dat earthquake had arrove, Jedge, an' so I got up an' hollered like I was sent fur." " Had you been drinking ?" " Jest a drap, Jedge— jest enuff to brace me up to face dat airthquake. I'ze powerful sorry if I'ze made you any trouble." "But I can't let you otf with being sorry. I shall have to give you thirty days." "Shoo!" "I'll send you where you needn't fear earthquakes." ''Wall, I specs I'll hev to go, but it seems mighty impervious to amphiliate a pwssou to dp Workhouse for procrastmutiu, an airthquake. —Detriot Free Press. KOHEIIT OX THE STOCK EXCHANGE GENTS. —Ah, they is a jolly lot, is them Stock Exchange Gents, and werry ginnerons to us. as all truw gents naturally is. I remembers tho' that one of the werry britest on 'em rayther puzzled me the othey day. It was a .3 ginny dinner, witch is rayther a rare thing in these regenerate days, and he said to me, says he, " Robert,"' says he. "What difference is there between a 3 ginny dinner and a 30s one?" Well, fora moment I was almost thrown off my gard, but I pulls myself together, and I says boldly, " All the difference in tho world, sir." "But in what way?" says he. "In ewery way," says I. "Give me sum xnmpels," says hn. "Well, take the sorces,' says I. "You've had reel natives in your oyster sarce, and real lobster with your tubbot, and how otfeu do you git them I wunders?" " Ah, weil," says lie, " there's sumthink in that, so I'll allow harf a crown for 'em. Now what else is there ?" I was almost stumped, wen a brite th'>rt struck me, and I says, says I, "If you'll be kind enuff to notice, sir, you'll see as all us waiters has new wite kid gloves on, and I don't spose as you ewer gets that for 30s a dinner." And with that I leaves him, and gos to another part of the table, aud I acshally seed him a telling of the story to his naybor, and a pinting; at me, and both o£ em a larfing like two kangroos.—Punch.

Go to the Standard thou weary Westender, accustomed to see Mrs Kendal daintily unfold a comedy by the slow expanding of her own pink palms, or run through the whole gamut of tragedy by the uplifting or lowering of her pencilled eyebrows ; study their ways and be horrified. I have been and have, seen " A Dark Secret/' the Illustrated Police News drama, bv Messrs J. Willing, jun., and J. Douglas. The Henley Regatta scene, all performed on a mighty tank, of depth :utd breadth unknown, is a most excellent bit of sensational realism. There is a boat race, in outriggers, as exciting as ever is Daisy's running in Druriolanus's colours. Indeed, Mr Harris must look to his laurels, for the big Shorediteh show-house can give him points just now in his own particular line. There, are house-boats and randans and punts and a steam-launch, all by Tagg and Sons, of Hampton, and all just as real as the launch in the Lord Mayor's Show. Swans, too—but thereby hangs a talc. Now I sat in the stalls, so that when tho Henley shower came on stray real rain drops partered in my face, and 1 heard the " quash" of the squeegee as the stageflunkey with real calves scoured the boards after the drop-curtain, and next to me sat a lady of much pretension, a publican's wife. I should say, a true belle of Shoreditch— very grand and stately ; plump, too, and altogether jolly. In her heart she enjoyed the capital show quite as thoroughly as I did, I cannot say more ; but she thought it infra dig to show it. "That's good," she would soy again and again, qualifying it by, " but, of course, I've seen better." However, that Henley scene did fetch her. She admired the boats and the launch, and especially the real man who tumbled overboard anil got really wet after a real swim; in fact, she forgot herself in admiration. At last the swans came on. Then she recovered herself with a start. " This is too absurd," she exclaimed; "this is playing down to the people with a vengeance. Just look at those swans; their necks are quite a foot too long, and their beaks altogether ton sharp." Alas! for human judgment! The race for the Diamond Sculls frightened those wants so wofully that they flew, flapped and paddled out of sight like— well, like very lively swans, indeed. Then was the lady's, face a study,—Laud unci Water,