Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 2262, 8 January 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

Testy Men.—Analysts. Autumn Lkavks.—Leaving the wea.side. Preach not beciin.se you have to way something, but because you have something to say.—Whatoly. Dkbt, grinding debt, is a preceptor whose lessons cannot be foregone.—Emerson. Defer no time—delays have dangerous ends. —Shakspure. Monev i-f a good servant, but a dangerous muster. —Bmihours. Three may keep counsel if twa be awa'. —Scotch Proverb. Method in business is attainable by persons of the meanest capacities.—Bud* get.t. Borrowing is the canker and the death of every man's estate.—Sir W. Raleigh. When does a man leavo off laying wagers ?—When he is wiser, but no better. Almost any man knows more than hie father until he i.s forty years old. Then he drops into the ranks of the ignorant and begins to to take lessons. An* affected humility is more insufferable than downright pride. Take care that your virtues be genuine and unsophisticated. A man breathes twenty times a minute except when he is about to put the important question to his best girl. Then he breathes twenty times a second. They Wondered.—Four sportsmen who ha\e just fired .simultaneously at a rabbit and failed to hit it: " Well I wonder who that time?" Until men have learned industry, economy, and self-control, they cannot bo safoiy entrusted with wealth.—Gladstone. We complain that our life is short, and Vet we throw away much of it, and are weary of many of its parts.—Jeremy Taylor. The nerve that never relaxes, the eye that never blenches, the thought that never wanders—-these are the masters of victory. -Bluke. At a recent banquet given to a writer of comedies in honour of his latest work, one of the guests proposed the following toast: —"The author's very good health! May he live to be as old as his jokes !" Outcome ov a Large Experience.—A metropolitan grocer in want of a boy lately displayed the following notice :—" Boy wanted who has fully rested himself, and who i.s not too intellectual." Little Jimmy, when told by his teacher that he was made of dust, stoutly refused to believe it, saying quickly, "Then, why don't I turn to mud when nurse puts me in the bath ?" Sllmkins and his young wife had just completed their first quarrel. " I wish I was dead," she sobbed. "I wish I was, too," he blubbered. "Then I don't wish I was," she replied, and the war continued. Clerk, to employer: "What shall I mark that now lot of black silk at ?" Employer : '' Mark the selling price 10s. a yard." Clerk : '"But it cost only 4s. a yard." Employer :" I don't care what it cost. I am selling off, regardless of cost." It is a question for the mathematicians to solve how much tinirs two women save who risk their lives running across the street in front of an omnibus and then have to stand and wait for the other woman who was afraid to run. A Distinction - .—Miss Gus L. : " Miss Jones is a vety fine young lady. Highly educated and a good conversationalist." Mr. De Greew: Is she? Then that accounts fnr it. I talked to her for an hour yesterday evening, and all she could say was ' Yes , or ' N0. , " Calling upon a fellow-writer in tho Edinburgh Review, Sidney Smith foutid him to his surprise, actually reading a book for the purpose of reviewing it. Having expressed his astonishment in the strongest terms, his friend inquired how he managed when performing the critical office. "Oh" said Smith, " I never read a book before reviewing it; it prejudices a man so !" At the Vaudeville Theatre on Tuesday, during Lady Bellaston's love scene Jtvtth Torn Jones in. the third act of "Sophia," a lady rose from her seat in the pit, and being carried away by the acting, in a most excited manner screamed out, "You old ?at!" Miss Leclercq did ivit resent the remark, but afterwards expressed (herself pleased at what she considered a high compliment to her acting. " Does your husband write his own stories, or does he keep an amanuensis';" "He does all his writing himself," "I should thiuk he would find it so much easier to have an amanuensis, and he is well able to afford one." " That's tni'>, but he is of so genial and kindly disposition that he could never dictate to anyone." Algv: "Do you think, my love, your father will consent to uur marriage ?" Angely: "Of course papa will be verv sorry to lose me, darling." Algy : " But I will say to him that instead of losing h> daughter he will gain a son." Angely: "I wouldn't do that, love, if you really want iue. Papa has three such sons boarding here now, and he's a little touchy on the point." A certain divine, who had wandered in the course of his travels beyond the conveniences of the railroad, was obliged to take to a horse. Bdng unaccustomed to riding, he siiid to his host, "I hope you arc not so tmregenerate in these parts tfuit you would iive me a horse who would throw a good Presbyterian minister?" " Wall, Idunno," was the reply, "we believe in spreadiu' the Gospel'." The briefest marriage ceremony in the world—that is, among civilised nations— is that practiced in the United States of America. The following is authentic:— Magistrate: "What is your name, sir?" Answer: "Matty." Magistrate: "What is you name, miss?" Answer: "Polly." Magistrate : " Matty, do you take Polly ?" Answer: "No mistake." Magistrate: "Polly, do you tako Matty?" Answer: "I reckon I do." Magistrate: "Well, then, I pronounce you man and wife all the days of your life." An amusing testimony to the popularity of Mr Arthur Roberts with his admirers was given by a young man who occupied a seat in the pit just behind our stall the other evening. The eccentric performer had just made a remark which had elicited the usual roar of laughter, and the young fellow in the pit was shaking in ecstasies of merriment. " What did he say ?" inquired a, companion, who had not succeeded in catching Mr Rnberts's words. "I don't know!" was the reply. "But it was awfully funny !" Lord Eldon owed, in the opinion of the Farmer-King, much to his mother. When, having received the Great Seal at the hands of George 111., Eldon was about to retire, he was addressed by his Majesty with the words, " Give my remembrance to Lady Eldou." The Chancellor, in acknowledging the condescension, intimated his ignorance of Lady Eldon's claim to such notice. "Yes, yes," the King answered, " I know how much I owe to Lady Eldon. I know that you would have made yourself a country curate, and that she has made you my Lord Chancellor." Mr Toole was travelling a short time ago on the Great Eastern line from Ipswich to Cambridge. The train was a slow one, and the journey in consequence very tedious. When Bury St. Edmunds was reached the comedian was thoroughly wearied out by the length of time the train was delayed at the station. Calling a porter, he asked in a very bland manner for the station-master, who, all politeness, bustled up to the door of the carriage iu which sat Mr Toolo, looking as solemn as a judge. " What is ifc, sir?" asked the official. "At what time is the fuueral to take place ?" inquired Mr Toole. " Funeral, sir—whose funeral V y asked the now-wondering 6tation-master, "Whose funeral!" continued Mr Toole j " why, have we not come to Bury St. Edmunds." Exit station-master in a huff. The Italian colonists at Buenos Ayres have waxed wroth owing to the laurel* won there by Sarah Bernhardt, whose historic triumphs have blurred the splendour of some favourite opera singers who have been lately starring in La Plata. Two journalists—one French, the other Italian—have pricked each other's arms in a duel over the matter, and another duel between their seconds is imminent. The Italians have, been making a national question of the rival claims of Sarah Bernhardt and an actress called Duse Cecchi, whom they want to put forward as the model from whom the great French tragedienne has copied. M. Sardou also falls in for his share of abuse, and there is no telling where the newspaper war will end.