Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2248, 4 December 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

Little fJiiu/h Definition' of Ice.— Water that stayed out in the cold and went to sleep. "Bu^is'sws before pleasure," as the man said when he kimed hiH wife before going to the club. Why are teeth like verhs ?— Because they are regular, irregular, or defective ! Thkkk ,ii notliing like a good shorthand reporter to "take a man down." An African proterb Bays tho idle are dead but cannot buried. The editor of a morning paper knowi all about the nightrf of labour. A wise man changes hi* mind ; a fool never. — Spanish Proverb. The great Junius said he never knew a. rogue who wii not unhappy. Of cour»e not ; it is the rogue- who are not known who are the happy ones. A bachklor editor, who had a pretty unmarried ->ister, lately wrote to one similarly circumstanced, "Plpaso exchange." "All alone, my dear child ? I'm afraid that husband of y.>urs neglects you terribly. He'i alwuys at tho club when I call." " Yet, mamma, but he's at home at other time I *." " Now then, John," said the restaurant keeper to hiH b»y, " bring out thoae sandwiches we made last winter. Here's a big order come in to supply the Sunday school picnic." •' Why, Franky," exclaimed a mother at the summer boarding-house, " I never knew you to ask for a second piece of pie at home." " I knew it twan't no use, said Frank, an he proceeded with his pic-eating. "Ain't that a lovely critter, John," said Jerush, as they stopped opposite the leopard's cage at tho Zoo. "Waal, yes," said John; "he's dreadfully freckled, ain't he ?" Increase of fortune brings increase of care*. Riches and power, «o much the aim of all men, are no more capable of Riving worldly happiness than of giving health, strength, or beauty. On the contrary, they often become real misfortunes and the bitter sources of misery in various ways. How She (Jot Evkn With Sanders. — Here is the way a self-reliant woman 'headi off her hu->band, who apparently has been "posting" her: — "Notice. — I, Mary Sanders, never contracted any debt* in the name of William Sanders, as the name of Sanden is not good enough to get credit on. — (Signed) Mary Sanders."

Pat's Dilemma.— Reporter : "Are you going to wurk to-day, Pat ?" Pat : " Sure I dunno. My ould woman says she'll break mj head if I don't, and the Union men will break my head if t l do. Sure, these are hard times for dacint men. I think I'll just take my chances with the ould woman." The sorrow which appears to vi nothing but a yawning chasm or hideous precipice may turn out to be but the joining or cement which binds together the fragments of our existence into a solid whole. That dark and crooked path in which we have to grope our way in doubt or f«ar may be but the curve which in the full daylight of a brighter world will appear to be the ■ecessary finish of some choice ornament, the inevitable span of our majestic arch. Dr. SrsnEL was a society-man who liked to air his Latin. He had taken *n acquaintance to call on Mrs Parvenu, and the man had never called again, and, whan the lady saw the doctor, she asked him about it. " Ah, doctor," she said, " where i<» your friend ?" " Not my friend, madam," corrected the doctor; "he was merely » quondam acquaintance." "Sir!" exclaimed the lady, in horrified amazement, " I don't know the relation existing ; but, if you cannot express yourself in ladies' companf without profanity, you had better follow ! your friend." The keeper of a principal shop in 'a certain village had aspirations for his daughter, and sent her to several boarding and finishing school?, till she was, in her fond father's eyes, brimful of knowledge of the most unimpeachable character. He believed her to be possessed of unlimited wisdom, and proudly told a friend howr she played, sang, danced, and what a number of languages she npoke. " But how ( ignorant them foreigners is !" he observed. " Why there was a Frenchman down here last week, and my gal was talking to him for an hour or more, and I tell you half the time he couldn't make out what she was saying ! The man didn't know his own language !"'

"What is thrift, after all?" ask« Mr George Augustus Sala. '• To my mind, i the very best definition of the quality of [ frugality, or economical management of your incomings and outgoings, was that given by Mr Henry Pulteney to an inquisitive young lady. 'Thrift, my dear,' he said, 'is simply this. We w ill suppose that the weather is very hot ; that you have walked a long way ; that you are very thirsty ; that you like beer ; that you are passing the door of an inn, and it occurs to you that ne\t to a cup of nectar a pint of beer would be about the nicest thing in the world. Have half a pint of beer. That is thrift."

The P.iris Xews tells tho following story of the Duke de Braganza :—": — " I was travelling in Spain," «aid the duke, "and had reached a miserable little village. It was 1 a.m. Knocking at the only hostelry in the place, a gruff voice called out, ' Who's there?' ' Dom Alphonse-Ramire-Juan-Pedro - Carlos - Franeisque- Dominique de Roxas de Braganza.' 'Drive on,' was the reply ; ' I can't accommodate so many people.' " This would seem to be a new version of a very old tile, namely, that ft I man travelling in Wales one dark night heard someone call for help out of a dyke by the bide of the road. " Who are you!" asked the traveller, and the reply wai, "Ap Evan Ap Morgan Ap Griffith Ap Jones Ap Williams Ap " " Why, there are enough of you," said the tra\eller, "to help one another out if you were not all bone lazy."

A Clever Rejoinder. — " Senex " writei to us :—": — " A very old relative of mine who, in her youth, was much associated with the friends and followers of Mrs Montagu, frequently amused her grand-nephews, of whom I was one, with anecdotes of her experience in the society in which some of her youthful days were passed. One such anecdote I well remember, and it had reference to an incident at one of Mn Montagu's ' Bine Stocking ' gatherings. This lady was, I believe, noted for occasional outbursts of strong and not very refined language. On this particular occasion one of the wits of the day (Sheridan, if I mistake not) was present, and ventured to controvert certain arguments of Mrs Montagu, whereupon she told him that ' She did not care for him three skips of a louse.' The gentleman on leaving her house, while passing through the hall, scribbled the following :—: — Mrs Montagu told me, and in her ov.n house, She did not care for me three skips of a louse, i'hc lady I pity for *hat she has said, But ladies will talk of what runs in their head. Having done so, he directed his effwsion to his hostess, with what result this deponent knoweth not."

Wherk the Old Maids Come In.—" Do you know, sir," inquired an American tourist of his companion while doing England, "can you inform me the reason for tha fresh, healthful appearance of the English people? Their complexion is far superior to ours or our countrymen over the herring pond." "Well, I know what Professor Huxley says." " And what reason does ho advance?" "Well, Hu\ley says it is alt owing to the old maids." "Owing to tho old maids! You surprise me." "Fact. Huxley figures it out in this way. Now you know the English are very fond of roa h t beef.' " But what has that to do with old maids ?'' "Go slow. This genuine English beef is the best and most nutritious beef in the world, and it imparts a beautiful complexion." " Well, about the old maids." "Yes, you see the excellence of this English beef is due exclusively to red clover. Do you bee tho point?" "All but the old maids. They are still hovering in the shadows." "Why, don't yon see? This red clover is enriched, sweetened, and fructified by bumble bees." " But where do tho old maids come in ''" said the inqusitiv* Ameiican, wiping his brow wearily. " Why, it is as plain as the no^e on your f.ico. The only enemy of the bumble bee is the field-mouse." "But what have roast beef, red clover, bumble bees, and field mice got to do with old maids?" "Why, you must be very obtuse. Don't you perceive that the bmnble bees would toon bo« come exterminated by the field mice if it were not for " " Old maids, ?" "No; if it were not for cats, and the old maids of Old England keep the country thoroughly .stocked up with cats, and so we can directly trace the effect of rosy English complexion* to the benign cause of English old maids ; at least that's wHat Huxley says about it, and that's just where the old maids come in. Science makes clear many mysterious things."