Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2245, 27 November 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

Fabmeus and poultry both delight in full crops. Many a man is the architect of his own fortune, but nevor gets euough money to bnild. Why are printers' readers an incredulous body of men ?— Becausa they will not take anybody's word; they must have proofs. A young man asks : " How can I gain a copious flow of language." We would suggest that he try sitting down on a tack. In China two people of the same surname are forbidden to inter-marry. That must be hard on the Chinese Smith family. An at tide is guing the rounds of the preys headed, " How to manage a wife." Of course the writer was a single man. Wk know an engaged young lady who has a parrot which has learned to make a noLae like the stik.ck of a kiss. How it learned it is a mystery. Son bonk entered a shop which had for * sign: "The two monkeys," and asked to see the proprietor: ''Sir, I am the proprietor." " And where is your partner ?" 11 All things come to him who waits." At the same Lime it is well to tip the waiter occasionally. The things will come quicker. "Charming little pink-tipped, shell-like oars you have, M>s Totty. Did you never have them pierctd?" "No, but I've had them bored." There is this much about it. The woman with short tresses isn't ever and anon fumbling abaut in the region of her back hair under the impression that it is coming down. " I see the scoundrel in your face 1" exclaimed the magistrate to the piisoner. " I reckon, yer worship," was the response, " that that ere's a personal reHectioD, ain't it !" A gentleman's linen cuff, directed to the owner and stamped with a penny stamp, recently passed through the post-office. It bore this message—" Please call and pay your washing-bill.— Your Laundress." A raffle for a fawn recently took place at a fancy bazaar. After the raffle was over the holder of the winning ticket asked for his fawn, supposing the animal to be ft pet. The lady-manager told him it was out on the hills with its dam, and all he had got to do was to go and catch it. Two ladies are conversing on the qualities and demerits of their own fair sex. Said one, with a twinkle of her beautiful blue eyes, " I have never known but two women who were really perfect." "Who was the other ?" asked her companion, with a smile on her thin face. Young Featherly had been imparting to Mrs De Townser, who has passed her first youth, some information which interested that lady very much. " I am quite surptised, Mr Featherly," she said, "to hear of this. It only shows that — that M " One is never too old to learn !" prompted Featherly, gallantly. A little seven-ysar-old was taken by his mother to see an old uncle who was very deaf and who had an ear-trumpet. After watching his uncle use his trumpet, Tommy said finally, "Mamma, why does uncle try to get music out of that horn with his ear, when he has tried hundreds* of times and knows he can't do it ?" Art-auctioneer : " We have here, ladies and gentlemen, a most suberb marine view. Assistant in a loud whisper : " Hold on ! It's a picture of a sheep." Auctioneer : "As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, we have here a picture of a most superb merino. What am I offered on a bid ?" The present Pope is an old gentleman with a keen sense of humour. Accredited to the Papal Court is a functionary who represents the political interests of four Central American Republics, and who is already bedizoned with the htara of almost every Order created by the Pontificate. Not long ago a fresh negotiation was concluded satisfactorily to the Mother Church, and the custom of gi\ ing a new distinction had to be observed ; bat what to do perplexed the Papal Chamberlain. On application in the emergency to Leo himself, the latter said, " This time give him a snuff-box with my portrait." The diplomatist accepted the golden gift, detached the portrait therefrom, and appeared at the next audience with it hanging from his ueck. Another State negotiation unexpectedly arose, and, when it was solved, there again ca'iie up the question of an honorarium. ''This time," said L?o, "give him a marble &tatue, and see if he will wear that round his neck !" How a Young Doctor Diagnosed.— Young doctor, to patient: "Let me look at your tongue. H'm— troubled with dyspep "Patient : " Not a bit. I can eat sole leather." Young doctor : " Let roe feel your pulse. Hra — wakefullness at night?" Patieut: "Sleep like a top." Young doctor ; "Let me see your tongue. H'm— dizziness and pains in " Patient : " No." Young doctor : " Let me feel your pulse. H'm— easily tired, with an indisposition to meutal exertion of any " Patient : " No. " Young doctor : "Let me see your tongue. H'm— headache and stiffness of the-; — " Patient : " Haven't had a headache in twenty-five years." Young doctor: " Let me feel your pulse. H'm— you are usmgtoo much tobacco." Patient : " Never touch it m any shape." Young doctor: "L?t me see your ppulsee — cr — I mean your tongue. H'm— too much confined to your desk. You need fresh air and " Patient : "I'm a letter carrier." Young doctor : " Let me feel your tongue — that is, I should say, your pulse. H'm you have a tired feeling come over " Patient: "Never!" Young doctor: "Let me see your— never mind, your tongue— feverish at times, with a desire for water?" Patient: "No, beer.' 1 Young doctor: "Do you drink beer?"' Patient: "Oh, yes?"' Young doctor: "To excess?' Patient: "No. Young: doctor: "Tell me how many glasses a day?" Patient: "Sometimes more and sometimes fewer. " Young Doctor : '* I thought so. We members of the medical profession [are seldom deceived in our diagnosis of a case."' Patient: "Aml in any danger, doctor?" Young doctor: "N« immediate danger ; but it's lucky you called me iv !" A Couner in Coal.— Denis Reagan is living in lodgings overlooking some coal sidings belonging to one of the large railway companies. Across the street lives an Italian who ekes out his wretched existence with the aid of a poor monkey and a worse hand-organ. To Garibaldi came Denis one evening, and, after passing the time of day, warmed up to the subject in hand. "Ay ye plaze, Mother Garibaldi," said Denis in his most unctuous and wheedling tone, " wud ye have any objections to loanin' me yer monkey for an hour or two ivry mornin'?" "What-afor you want a munk ?" inquired the count. "Niver ye mind," replied Denis. "What wud ye charge a mornin' for the use ay him ?" The count suggested that twopence an hour would be the proper figuro, after vainly trying to find out what Denis was going to do with the monkey. Denis haggled and tried to beat the Italian down ; but Garibaldi would not give in, and the deal was closed at his figure. Everything went delightfully for a week. The money was paid promptly, and the monkey was returned regularly in time not to interfere with the requirements of the Italian's profession. To be sure, the animal looked a little hollow-eyed and careworn, bnt in the main he was in good condition. Finally, however, the Italian's curiosity got tha better of his avarice, and he told Denis that the monkey would not be lent any more. This announcement had a most depressing effect upon Denis. His intellect rose to the emergency however, and he proceeded to effect one of those masterly financial coups which dazzle people who are not familiar with the workings of the capitalist mind. " Garibaldi " said Denis, "ay yell promise to act square and not give me away, I'll be after takin' you into partnership and gin ye half of the profits for the use of the monkey." " All-aright-a," siid the Italian. On this the new partners shook hands, and each took another drink out of the pot of beer which Denis had wearily provided to lubricate the negotiations. Then Denis in his customary lordly manner put his arm within the Italian's, and together they sauntered over to the back yard of the house where Denis lived. * D'ye see that ther pole, Garry?" inquired Denis, pointing to a pole sorae fifteen feet high surmounted by a crosspieco. The Italian could not very well help seeing it, and remarked that it was within ransre of his vision. '' D'ye know what ther is beyant the fence?" said Denis. "Tbim'st the railroad coal-sid-ings. Now, thin, Garry, this ia the trick. Early in the mornin', whin the coal-trains begin to come in, I put the monkey on the pole. The brakesmin is all on the lookout, and iyry mother's son of thim fling two or three pieces of coal at the monkey. Tve laid tin tons away in the cellar, and not wan o' them's hit the monkey yet !"