Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2239, 13 November 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

The Waisp of Time.— The middle of an hour glass. CouxrEß-TußiT^NT.— The woman who shops but doesn't buy. The Kkadibst Way ro Communjcatk WITH THK FINNY DENIZEN'S OF THE SKA.-— Drop them a line. Liw'n order : "Keep off the grass." — Detroit Free Press. A Hint for Wive-}.— Gentlemen who smoke allege that it makes them calm and complacent. The more they fume the less they frefc. A schoolboy, asked to define the word "sob," whimpered out : "It means when a feller dont mean to cry and it bursts out itself." A man* of sin ill stature gives as a reason for his .stunted growth, that he was brought up, when a baby, on condensed in ilk. Second husband, to wife : " Are you as fond of me as you were of your first husband, dear?" Wife: " Yes, indeed ; and, if you wore to dip, John, I would be just a« fond of my third. I'm not a woman to marry for anything but love." The great power and heat of lightning have not been over-rated. On Sunday night a bolt of lightning killed and roasted 300 spring chickens in New York at a single stioko. When the proverbial toughness of the average spring chicken is remembered, the full power of electricity may be itnagined. Husband: "I hear that Miss Puff ball, the novelist, is going to got married." Wife: "Yes "he debated a long time whether Hhe should devote herself to literature or to a husband, and of the two evils she has been silly enough to choose the greater." Husband : " Poor fellow !" Thk following conversation occtirred in the French language ; it loses, we fear, none of its significance by being turned into English — "My good woman, have you only that one cow ?" "Yes, sir, only this one." "How much milk a day does she give?' 1 "Ten quarts." "And how much of it do you sell?"' "Fifty quarts every morning." Chaulky wanted to give Mira a present, but he couldn't make up his mind what it shoakl bo ; so the next time he called he frankly told her the difficulty under which In; was labouring. " Want to make me a present, Charley !" Mira exclaimed, in well-Uisguised astonishment. "Why, Charley, you forgot yourself." Charles took the hint, and offered himself on the spot." ErHELBEKr.v: "I want a pair of slippers for p.\. Number tens, plea.se, and— squeaky." Genial shoemaker : "Squeaky, mi^s? I'm afraid we haven't any of thatf kind." Ethelberta : "I am so sorry! Couldn't you make him a squeaky pair? There is a certain young gentleman who visits me frequently, and— and it would be very convenient for him to know just when pa is coming." Scknk — Stieet door of house in windovr of which is hung a placard with the inscription — " Furnished apartments within— piano." Applicant for rooni3 : "Your apartments are in every respect delightful. Ah mt the piano, madam — is it a Broadwood ?"' Madam : " Well, no, sir, not exactly. It's only a rosewood ; but it's \e.ry nicely polished." Employer: "I am very suspicious of young ujom nowadays. You can't tell how the/ are going to turn out. Why, in six months they know a good deal more about yonr business than you do yourself, and want to manage it entirely ! ' Applicant for position : " I can assure you, sir, that, if you will engage me, I will devote as little a iima as possible to your business." A young picklo dropped his drumstick into ,i well. He had a shrewd suspicion nobody would take the trouble to get it out, he l.iid h >ld of all the plate he could find and threw it after the drumstick. The .lUinn was in ide that the j>late was missing. Little in ister thought he saw something at th' 3 bottom of the well. Ladders were got, and as the plate was fished up the youngster 1 called out, "John, as you aie down there, you may as well bring up my drumToukist, to Arran fisherman "Please, what time is it on your watch ?" Fi.shermm, after looking at his watch, and finding it stepped : "Och, she'll stood anno move whatcfFor!" Tourist, laughing: "Do yon know how to stop a troublesome watch ?" Fnherm.m, innocently: "Och, she'll not know whateffer!" Tourist: "Will you givi3 me a string of herring if I let you know?" Fi">hn*m.in. eagerly: "Och, yiss, yiss, to be .surely!" Touii«t, looking quite serious: "P.iwn't !" ScrJNB— A Glasgow hotel. Enter American stranger, who is asked by the proprietor to sign the visitors' book. He reads several names previously entered, and asks the meaning of soms appendages, such as "M.R.C.V.5.," &c, then writes as follows:—"Tom Swan. B.B.B.B.B.B." Proprietor angrily : "Don't make a fool of my book, sir?" Stranger: "Why, that's my title!" Proprietor: "Your what? What does it stand for?" Stranger: "Well, I'm the Best Blooming Bugler in the Boston Brass Band." Collapse of proprietor. —Bailie. Thk Mooniukkks.— Many of the Volunteer tents at the late Wimbledon meeting displayed some distinguishing feature which .served to nwirk them for passersby. A WilUlme corps showed a watercolour done in gaudy pigments illustrating the following legend—" Piple zay az how they gied the name of Moonrakers to we Wiltshire vauk bekase a passel o' stupid bodies one night tried to rake the shadow o' the moon out o' th' brook and tuk 't \oi ,i thin cheese. But that's t' wrong way of the story. The chaps az waz dom' this waz smugglers, an' they wax \ idling up some keg-, o' sperrits, and only ' pretended they w.iz a cheese. Zo the exciseman az axed 'em 'ad his giin at 'em. But 'em 'ad a grin at 'cc." Whkv She Spoke.— She was a sweetfaced, blue-eyed young girl with great wave^ of golden hair brushed carelessly back from a noble-looking, snow-white brow. Her ruby lips were full and sweet. Innocence itself was in her great blue eyes. Fair and sweet was .she in all the purity and guilelessnc^s of her fresh young womanhood, Two young men have long been watching her with eager interest. Her glorious beauty has enthralled them. " What a Miperh jnil !" s.\id one. " Never w.xi a lily fait cr ! How I would love to hear her speak. No ' sweet bells jangled * could be like words she must utter with lip-, like tho.ie and a face like that." She spike. A friend came down the ai<le, and ■vi:d carelessly : " A cold day, Miss D ." Tin; full red lips parted slowly, the beautitul head turned with superb grace, a smile of seraphic sweetness illuminated the noble features, soft and sweet and low was her artless answer: "Well, I should smirk to twitter ! Cold ain't no name for it." A merchant remonstrated with his commercial traveller for getting so few orders. ''Idonotthinkyougotherightwaytowork," he said ; " just let us have a rehearsal." Thereupon the traveller gave a mock performance, his principal receiving his advances and offers of service very kindly. ' I do not see anything to grumble at," he concluded. " I do," replied his employe, " I have played my part well enough ; but you have not, sir." "How's that?"' asked the merchant. " I'll show you, if you will perform the role of canvasser for a moment.'* The nia&ter took his hat, knocked at the door, and came into the room with a smile, .speaking his speech and awaiting his reply. " Confound you, get out ! I am sick of the lot of ye !" thundered the traveller, promoted for the nonce. "Get out, or I'll kick you out !" "I see there^is a difference," answered the other. It had not struck mo before." All Well and Hearty.— A San Franciscan, who is a reformed Comstocker, rcvi.sited Virginia City last week. He was greeted warmly by the leading citizens, who are always as delighted at the return of a Nevadan as prisoners are when one has served his term and !is brought back for another stretch. "Yon are looking well nnd hearty, sir," said ex-Jndgo Cox, who was seated on the kerb in front of the Nevada Bank chewing gum and playing with a pup. " I believe »>u ; I am feeling very \v«ll." "Yes-, you aye looking well :\ud hearty." "Thank you. How is old Bill Stoker getting along?" "Old Bill? Well, I saw Bill yesterday up to the engine-house, and he is looking well and hearty, sir." "And how is old Bob Galbiaith? Seen him lately?'' "Oh yes; saw him this morning, sir. He is looking well and hearty, sir." "And his wife." "Well, his wife— yes, yes, his wife, she is looking well and hearty, sir." "Glad to he.ir it. And how is old Sam Wylie? Seen him lately?" " Ah, yes ; poor Sara Wylie ! Well, the la*t time I saw Sam was the day we buried him, and he was looking well and hearty— that is, for a, corpse, hir."