QUIPS AND CRANKS.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2239, 13 November 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

4* m~On tbii inside, of a> fly-acreen in a Detroit storo were fifyy <*r more tiies. and a pellles-' trian \vb° P'tocod it looked, in nt the do<^ and remarked to. the. proprietor/ VyChntfs tho use of that screen ?' Do you suppose I lofxdt all my tlie* go oudt on sooch a cold day like (Us?' was the indignant lvply. A lawyer in an eastern state, whose iejmtation in the community was not. very" iii ? 'h nnt an old gentleman one day nnd' -.»id to him, 'Do you know, Mr H. that I •un a direct decendant from Miles Standish?' 'Is it possible?' was the reply. ' Wlut a descendant !' EPITAPH ON A SCOLD. Horo does the body of Mary Anne rest, With her head on Abraham's breast ; It's a very good thing for Mary Anne, But it.'s very hard linos on Abraham. Two tr.mips, a man and his wife have been li v ing on their baby. We just Rets him christened,' said the father, ' at all the towns we passes, and then, yer see, parson, ho mikes us all comfortable wi summatto eat, and money for buds. On days orful bad we has had to do him twice.' Would-be recruit— ' Now, Mr Sergeant, you've told me all about the pay and clothing, and all that. How is it about the grub? —the food you know?' Sergeant—' Well, that depinds largely appan wboer ye tin. If ye jine my batthery— that's ay the Phiffc' — I won't desave yo, for ye"ll foind it out soon enough yerself — if ye coomt' my battery yell be compelled to ate yer mince pie could.' Mrs Langtry was wickedly chaffed about the size nf her feet when she last visited the State-!. The Lily had an antipathy to the übiquitous interviewing reporter, and, it is s.iid sbo usod to look under hep b^d every night, in case one might be concealed there. 'This precaution was unavailing, however,' says an American paper ; ' for ono evening, whan the Lily had closed up for tho night, a little journalist woke her, and asked f>r a .sketch of the main incidents in her career. Ho had concealed himself in one of her old slippers.' A negro preacher elaborated a new theory of the Exodus, to wit, that tho Red Sea had got frozen over, and so afforded the Israelites a safe passage ; but when Pharoah with his heavy iron chariots attempted it, they broke through and were drowned. A brother rose .md asked for an explanation of the point. ' I^e been studyin' gogrnfy, an' de gografv wiy flat very warm country — where dey have de tropic-?. And de tropics too hot for freoxin'. Do pint to be 'splained is 'bout break in 1 through de ice.' The preacher straightened up and said, ' Brudder, glad you axed dat question. It gives me 'ca-sion to 'splain it. You se3 dat wai great while 'go— in de ole times, 'fo' dey had any gogrnfy— 'fo' dere was any tropic*. ' Thanks to our museum and the liberality of Mr George Gould, it is not necessary to have lived outside Canterbury to appreciate the following :— Am mgst the works of art offered this week at the sale of a decoased gentleman's collection of pictures and statuary, (says ' xE^les'), was a copy of the celebrated ' Venus Victrix.' On Saturday last two ladies wore inspecting the contents of the drawing-room. Looking at the Venus, said Mr* Highflyer, with an air of compassionate sympathy, ' What a pity thp arms have been broken off this one !' 'Yes,' s.iid her f.Uih ful friend, 'but I sup, pose it will bo sold cheap on that account? Tho Roy. Dr. S., who is a prominent divine in a city not far from New York, had been spending a f«w diys — not in thi-j weather— 0:1 an island <«i the Maine coast and, intending to depirton a certain morning, ho started for the biat hi company with a friend. A portn* followed with a doctor* vali«e. Arriving at tho whirf, they found th.it, to take advantage of tho wind and tide, the boat had gone before the advertised time- Not aware of the clerical character of the company, the porter sworo several shocking oaths in quick succession. ' What do you think of that, doctor ?' asked his frieud. 'Well,' said the doctor slowly and impres-jivcly, 'there are times when tho sen ices of a layman are indispensable.'