Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2236, 6 November 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

What is more pathetic than ti> nee the simple faith wiih winch, a bald heided man will buy an infallible luir restorative from a bald-beaded barber '{ AnvfC's to a Youno M\v.— My son, in letter- writ ing be entertaining, be amusing 1 , bo bi i"f, and if you cm, be funny. A funny letter is always welcome. But don't bo funny if you can't. Don't, oh, my son ! don't try to bp funny. Unless you are tnor illy cert iin that your fun is funny fun, *a\eit for h wrtn'm. Nothing in ail tin- world is so fl.it, insipid, tasteless, vapid, utterly «jainurle«*« a* flat fun. It is he-nu-r t'lan stupidity, staler than dulneu, bl inker than \»cancy. We read i>i " .Personal Memoirs of U.S. Grmt'that on f.ne occasion during the Civil War in t'i's United States, when stitioncdat a post of several companies commanded by a, field officer, General Brairg wai commanding one of the companies and at the same time acting as pu-t quartermaster and commissary. Ho »as hr->t li'Hiti'iia'it at the time ; b'lt his capt iin w.i- detached on other duty. As ennui' mdur of the, company, he made a requisition upon th^ quartermaster — himself —for M)incth!ii^ he wanted. As quartermaster he declined to fill the requisition, and endorsed on the back of it hi* reasons f(.r so doing. As company commander, he responded to this, urging that hi* requisition called for nothing but what he was entitled to do, ,md that it was the duty of the quarternrister to nil it. As quartermaster he ntill persisted that he was right. In this condition of affairs Brasjg referred the whole matter to the commandingofficer of the jKi<»t. The latter, when he saw thenatuie of the matter referred,excl»irned, " Good hea\en*, Mr Brapg, you have quarrelled with every officer in the army, and now you are quarrelling with yourat.. . " Rou.BD Aw.\y. — Thore wer; half a d >Z"ii of us wandering o\er the battlefield of Cold Harbour, and while sitting down on an old breast work, a oloured man, about sixty y-\irs old, came up. Pietty socn someone asked him, "Say, boy, do you know who is President of the Unit™! States?" "Speck I doan\ sah. I /c had so much trouble wid my ole woman dat I'ze dnn forgot." "\Vh<> is (io\ernor of this State?"' "Dnnno, gah. De ole woman has been awful trubMesoine.'' "You remember the war, don't you ?"' " I 'members sunthin' 'bout soldiers an' shootin', but I ain't very cl'ar about it. De ole woman has bin jist awful." "Do you know what year this is ?" " No, sah, but I know dat persimmons will be good purty soon. De ole woman has sot me' way back." '"You mu<-t ha\e heard ef Generals Grant and Lee ?" "If I has I'ze donr, forgot. I Tell you whar, de ole woman has burdened mo right down." " What's the matter with the old woman ? ' " Rheumaticky sah. Kept me right back all de time." "That's too bad." "Yes, sah, but she died l.vt week, an' de burden has been rolled off. I'ze got a chance now, an' de fust thing IV. 1 gwine to l'arn run wheder de Widder Cules will let me be hitched to her blrt.ck 'gal Su-»ie fur a second wife. Yes, sah — go ■) 1 dTV, sih."