Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2233, 30 October 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

A Tumm.e down Affair.— A wrestling match. " Thosk who use our goods are very much attached to them," h what a porouaplaster company adveitisps. " Nkvkk put off till tomorrow vvh.tt you cat) get your mother to do to-day,' 1 a lazy fashionable young lady was heard to say recently. Edjiokhl. — When an idler enters the sanctum of a busy editor, and the editor -.ay-, " Til, id to «cc you're back," what does he mean ? Hon 1/ Kit successful a man may be in re'•istiir.? the .mthoi ity of his wife elsewhere, if thry attend :ui aurtion sale together he u ill have to do her bidding. I] you go on a -te.unboat, and the Heats are all taken, stand upas long a« you can, ■tml then cy out, ".Man overboard!" Every worn m will rush for the r.ul. This Mrth >d h dishonest, but effectual. A \uisu 1 idv who edits a, paper in Texas has been v.vying an old 'adage slightly. Sh^says: — "Mm piopo^e.s; but it sometimes takes a gieat deal of encouragement to get li i iii to do so." Auhoi (.11 b'liitv is <>nly «ikin deep, and is often coupled with frivolity, it will get a suit iv a oiowdeJ stieet car where plainness and coinniou sense would be compelled to sand up. (Jr»>i' to host, to whom, by some mistake, he has not b^en introduced: "Well, you seem t<» b", hiving about as stupid a tune as inv-elf ; suppose we go into the supper room " (They g<>.) Thkkk is at least one occasion in the dr-ert of a tr, imp's life. He doesn't have to lie awake night^ and figure out how ho is going to sate up enough to pay a week's loom rent when he wishes t> change his lodging-). Ir Ckiu'MXLY Was.— Traveller, "You sail, ab>utnn hour ago, that the train was twenty minutes late, and here it is an hour past time ! Twenty minutes late ! It's n™aier an hour !" Station Agent. " Well, ain't it twenty minutes late?" AiuiM" : " Have you taken my picture to the exhibition?" Porter: "Yes, sir; it seemed to please thr gentlemen very much." Aitist : "What did they s ay?" Porter: "Oil, they didn't bay anything ; they only laughed ! "' •"So Doctor Pel'.ptt is dead?" " Ye<*. He was an nmamcut to his pmfcs&inn. Ho Ins , uedagreat in my lives." " Why, I didn't know that he had .my practice to speikof.' '"He ludn't ; he saved life in another way.'' "How was. that ?" "By dying so young.' X.\ n r \h Pkidk. —Mrs Pry : " Those Watkms must be awfully poor people." Mi- P.: "How so?" Mrs Piy: "They never give a beggar anything— never." Mr P.: "Do you?" Mrs Pry: "Ko ; but it isn't because I haven't plenty." " Ha\ X you heaid Mi>* Simpson sing since stie returned from France?" " Several times." "Do you think that she has improved ?" "Very much indeed." "In v\ hat particular, may I ask ?" " Why, she does noc bing near so much as she used to !" Hk Was'nt Thkrr — A Te^as preacher ciught four or five boys in his peach treeB. He did not punish them, but merely said : " You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, paiticul uly the big boy*. Which of you boys hoi e is the oldest?" "He ain't hero at all, sir. He didn t know that we were coming, ' said a young- ter. Thi; l>i:->r Us a ik)K Ir.— Contributor: " You'll like the oketch, I am sure. You sec, it ih written only upon one side of the page-;."' Editor: "Yes. That after all is tha only essential. Meiit is ot no account." Contiibutor (%vith a star-j) : *' Ksi ? Well, put it to the best use you sco fit." Editor : " Oh, thanks ! I'll write editoiials on the other Mde. ' Thk Gbimblrrs. — Dar' am sartan peopla who w ir' bo'n into dis life fur no pertiekler re is on. Djy am as oufer place as a blind h -s> before a lookiu' gla>s. Dey haven't de, smxrtnj-s to steal nor despeent to work, D'ya-nto.) owarlly t.) .suicide, an' not bro-v e' nuff to fac? de problems of life. Doy a<n me.in' nuff to c >vet but, not reckles-,' miff to steil. Doy hagin on Sunday nnwiiin' to predict shoit crops, and wind up Saturday night by a prophecy of airthquake* or eh >lera. On de fr mt doah of ebery sich man should bs nailed a sign, reidm', "'lt am luttei to piss on to de next co'nt'i m\ take dtj sm ( iil.p,)\ instead." Sum, in Wvnt.-Uj 13i-_'s.- '"It " remarkable how thnso tailois do take a man in." 1\ igley : "That's their busine.ss, my b >y. Tiny do it with their tapa and line." " No, I d mt me.in that ; I saw a sign the other day that road 'If you want a good suit, come in here.' I vent it." " Well?" " I still want a good salt." Ar an e.e'iin^ soi vice in Edinburgh the minister, who was m.ic'i to metaphor, in the com i ■ of an el<> pient sermon thundered forth " \V!iat is th it I heai ?'' Upon which his old beadle, starting up from a siureptitious nip, called out, in a very an iible voice, "D^ed, sir, its naethm' but the clock chappin' eight !"' M\(.[sik\it : " The. oiiicer says you were diunk last night and fell down in the street. C mi yotiespiiin that little matter?' Pns »ncr, »nth dignity : " The cause .if my fall, yoiu' h >nour, is not attributable to li'iuor, b-it t" ciici'iistances over which I hidno c mtrol." Migisiritp, in surprise: " Wti it cicu.i. stances do jou allude to?" Piisoner, -*a Uy : "My legs, your [ honour ! ' A i, \i>y in the, provinces wrote to a authoress t) b^ ln-i to procure a tutor for h t son-, urn c i lowed v\ith eveiy imaginible qu.ibfio itio.i of ins-id md heart. Her ruend ie,>l»pd, " \lc 1) "\r X . I im lo >king frif a tutoi sac'i as you d scribed; but I hive not is vet livi h\ppy euo \^h to meet him I still conhuu'3 my search with nnibitel /.>} il, and I piomiss you that ad soon .h I have found him I will— marry him.'' Shi. Iy\T\v All Ann t Tr. — They are m tlu cHintty for the .sumu:er, and baby Ins been very busy supervising all the faming i^riC'sses. Two or three nights ago she pushed away her bowl, dcclirmg tint did not caie to feed any longer upon milk. " I3ut, my dear,'' said j midame ; "why not?" "Because, said biby, Mippiioily, "I know all about it. Milk is o ily chewed grass !'' "Ko Mi si vui), Pj,i:\s.k. v — Tudge Wright of Cincinnati and Mr C>rvvin were travelling together dining a political campaign, and they stopped foi the night at the home j of a proniinment citi/.dii in the central part of the State. At supner the host's daughter waited at tab'e, and knowing the distinguished ch.iraLter of th^ir truest s, pnt on a good deal of" side." Ilefoic pouiing out tea sho inquued iir-t of kludge Wnght, "Do you take condiments in your tea" The old judge was too p ilite to say anything but "Yes," and let her prepare his tei as she pleased. When she came to Mr. Corvv in, >.he repeated the question. The oppoitunity foi a joke was >o g;ood that he could not resist the temptation to improve it ; and he replied, "Pepper and salt, if you please ; but no mustaid.'' Horvck Grefly used to write a miserable .scrawl. One day he sent the following to the lowa Press .Association :— " I have waited till longer waiting would seem, discourteous, and now decide that I cannot attend your Press meeting ne\t June as I j would do. I find s-o many cares and duties pressing on me that, with the weight of years, I feel obliged to decline any invitation that takes me over a day's journey fiomhouie." Out of this the recipients, in consultation assembled, made — "I have vumdeied all along whether any squirt had denied the scandal about the President meeting Jane in the woods on Saturday. I have hominy cairots, and RR. tie 3 more the n I could movo with ei^ht steer. If eels ai^ blighted, dig them e\rly. Any insmu'tion tuat buck ovens are dangerous to hams i^im's me the horrois. H\iti) Timis - It was at a country hotel m Peu'isvhania. The stt anger who sac d >v n t > dinner was am i/ed w hen the waiter hand d him a punt'd bill of fare which b -fin with oy,tiM s >np and clam chow Jer, [and lan dmn to four kinds ot [lie and 1 choc -late Kocieim. "I'll tike o\ster soup, -ml tho guest. " Y-e-s ; but we haven't any." leplied the waiter. "Very well; Lfive nic clam chowder." "We are out of that too." "Then bi ing me baked white'-sh, fried saus.ig-\ Saiatoga potatoes, French wheat-rolls, r.lw of beef.and a cup of cofi'ee." "We haven't any, hir. All we hue is beefsteak, b'lled 'tateis, and baker's tuead and cohVe. ' At that moment the landlord entered the mom, and the guest called out, "See here, landlord! What sort of a trick h this ?'' " What ? Oh, that bill of fare ! My dear sir, let me e\plain. My uncle kept a seaside hotel, and he failed. He had Unity thousand bills of fare on hand, and 1 bought them at a pi iv ate sale for two dollar.s. These aie hard time.-. — very haul— and we must utilise everything and keep up style at the same time."