Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2230, 23 October 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

Miii. M. (on Iji'iug complimented on tho beauty of h:r d m^htor-") : ''Yes, sir, they 10 well enough looking girls. Suneaduvrc* tho 'brong > ' and « >m<j the blnenettes." " Well, little Jane, what haw you learned at school this week?' "Oh mamma, such a lot of annoying things that I don't want to think of them again -never, never 1" A komimv'. fori ye^i- >ld boy had been demod some trifling gratification by his mother, but it did not seem so trifling to her. So striking an attinde, he said, with the utmost gravity, "Mother, were you ever a boy ?" A DOfroß was called to attend a patient, who, on b<3ing asked if he hadn't taken something "trance into his stomach, replied he believed he had. "It must have be>n that glas- of water. Haven't been so imprudent, doctor, for ten years." Eum.hu pa-^eiiger (to holder in tho tram). —"You have no ticket I" Ticket holder. — "No ; I travel on my good look*. ' EM<>ily pi-s^nger after looking lum over). —"Then probably you ain't goin 1 vei y far. (lener.il smile. M vmu\ (to Maud, who has been with her broth"i to the play, and i-, full of it)— " But was then* no love in the piece, then?" Mind -"Love? Oil, dear no, mamma, how could there hi'! The ])fincipai characters were hu-b uid and wife, you know 1" "What s them thing-, liv," asked a little girl .it thj table the other day. "Why, tho-'p arc Turkish prune-*, my dear." "Win re did they did c »mc from ?"' Her •<in viler J )i other looked up with an cypress ion of dwl.un on his face as he exclaimed, "Why, fi i*m tmkeys, of course." A Yokk.-.hiu m w, being solicited to give a ceitificite of eh u actor respecting a man who had applied el-ovvhere for a situation, kept within the confine-* of truth by .saying: "He is as honest as most other people ; ha-, been known to speak the truth occvsiomlly, and is frequently sober." On \iu.in Vere de Yere (sententiou«*ly) — "Gcmuis^-, my dear Miss M:\rlborough, | men who just miss being foi»ls, and fools are men who just mi-s being geniuses." Mi-s Mailborough (awe-struck)— " What original things you say, Mr. Vein de Vere!' I M>m"tnujs think that you are almost a genius." " You have some fine turkeys this morning, p'nilten r," siid tho schoolmaster. "Yp->, sir ; all fi^sh from Norfolk to-day." "What 1-, the pileoV'' "You cm take vourchoic\ «•<!•. I h ive thorn at all prices." "Well, I v. ant t> g.ve, my boys a treat, but I do n t want t!)cm to be too tender. There ar i ai|o//n heie—p'ck out four of the toughest.'' Tne poulterer obeyed. "Heie, -lr, y>u have f< sir of the toughest b.tds m my shop.'" "Thank you," said the schoolmaster; "I'll take the other eight." Mr-,-, Ki:i:ve: "Why, Mr Blondbang, what ha-, ca.i-ed this change in your appearance?" Mr B. : "I presume its mv glas,«- ?— l've just begun to wear them." Miss K. " Well, you should always wear th"in. You've no idea h.»v intelligent tiny make yo i 1 >ok. I scarcely knew you." j "LirrrF i.ifu.,'' *-iid the Ute Justice M'mle to a witness fi y e years old. who was b^ing mt^rrog ited as to her capacity to tl'Ci?t I'Ci? mi n.ith, "do you know wliore you will go when you di", if yon do not speak the ttut'i, the whole truth, and nothing bat the truth ?" " Plea>e, sir, no," said the girl. " Xor do I,'' ob-erved the judge. The (loiunn Minister of Vinnnce ia reported to hive p\ proved himself thus An juently in a recent delute— -"That is? tho old vicious each uhseh his for many years b°.in hovpi u\<z like an evil stir above the (i ntMiimiMit > project-, of reform, but which hniic)'ii\i.l>lt» nieinb j is <>f tln-^ H'm^e employ as a screen in order to conceal their real colour-." Mk Ch \ui rs Dcnr.rv Wakn'kr is a warm fiicnd of the Rev. J. H. Tw itcholl, of Haitfoid, who has a largo fau.ily of cliildien, and enjoys a joke at his expense. Not long ago Pi'f j s> n- Fisko was a guest of Mr atri Mrs Warner, and when speaking of the.r fiiend Mr Tuitchell, the professor asked, "How mmv children have the Twitchells now T " I don't know ; we haven't heaid fiom there this morning^" was Mr Warners reply. A Xkvt Ilhrour.— One of the neate-t retoits ever made was a bnef respi>n*i> gi\en by a young lady to ,\ young fellow who offt red her th^ other day, with some hesitation, his «i\it in the truncar. She got in with an older c»mpinion; the car wa3 crowded, and two j'oiing men sat near. One man give his se-it at once to the elderly lady ; the other kept hi« pi ice. His friend asked him — disguising 1 it, however, m (Jeunan— why h.) did not give his place to the yoUiig lady. He nnswvied in the sauie language: " Beciu.sp she is not pretty eno.igli." 15 it aft»r a little reflection he loseand sunendorel hi- seit. The lady t >ok it, .in-l th inkM him — in (iennan. Xcver was an o\ting'ii-hsr more effectively drop-ted on an impertinent youth. A word of sa<-cis m -would hive been unladylike; but of course it was h?i duty to thank iiim k and whit courso more unimpeachable than to th mk him in the language in which ho and his fnetid hid b>jn speaking, and which was piesiimably their own ? ENnciruNiNi, im; Cuutk.— The hon. and Rev. B.nnaid Bjauch.imp, h;\\ing apphe 1 for the cui,\cy of St. Agatha's, has come to stay with the vicar for a few dayg befoie dcci ling on tilting it. The first evening of his stay, after an appetising little meal, daintily served, Julia, Fanny, and Lucy Browne a*e told off by mamma to entert ling the gue.st. When Julia has sunfj, Fanny produces he photograph album. "Da you like looking at the photographst, Mr Beiuxhainp ?" "Oh, certainly. "Who i* t'uisV' "That is my eldest .sister Mary. n "Oh, indeed. And who is this.'' "That is her husband ; ho was one of papa's curates." " And this lady ?' " That is my second si-tor, Ethel, and that is her husband] — he was a curate here, too," '"Indeed^ and is this another sister !" pointing to a photograph of the thmljcouple. " Yes, that is Jane. She married pap i's last curate." " LuLvd," says the Rev. Bernatd injtantly deciding not to ha "papa's,, fourth curate." The no\t day he lea\es. Love m a muddle — If v, loved them, and him loved she, And exchof both were fond of he, Wliieh c .Used the ie>t to disagiee, B-cau-e -he liked the otliei tluee, And woiildn't marry they oi we Foi fe ir of -lighting him and mo, I wonder whui-i we all should be? "Poyniplay 1.-wn tennis this season, Mi-s — -'" inquired hel v-t evening. " >;(>' I nevei l^xmed tjiegaine. Is it interesting:'*' " \ i's, \erv. You -cc there are four court* on o tcli si'ie—" "That is eight emits isn't it ? Why, if I had known there was so much courting m the game, I should htwebeen an oxpeit by this time ' "Oh, 1 assure you but y..u are -i i e\pnfc." There is no use ia pui-ui »„' tl-.i- -clieMH" fuither. A \iiiv impoitant iiivontion, vhich will, as is sud by &ouu: lightning engineers, completely revolutionise the present system of gas lighting, has just bee^ pei footed by Dr. A nor in the Chenv oa i Übouitory of the Vienna University. Briefly desoribed the invention may be aaid to consist in rendeuuc; ?i cotton wick incombustible by impregnatiug it with a imtallic liquid. Thus treated the wick, instead of burniug, merely flows' emitting a railiauoe not unlike that o£ ■ eloctiic liyhr. The whole process is very si.nplo and the great atlvantage of the mwntion is that it may be applied to any gas burner. ! Tne-? two lines that look -o solemn W.re jam, nod in here t > till this column.