Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2224, 9 October 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

A kick pn/e --Enterprise. It bears the palin — The hand. A (.lii.vr strain— "Old Hundred." A cu.\N record — The laund:y bill. A sor,EMV measure— The gra*. e-yard. THEeaily p'ls-.en^ei ettehes the. tr,iin. E\-.usles -Tlkj people just out of church. The Rule of Three— For the person to clear out. Thk crick ot .uid the grasshopper sing in the dew \v % t. "Si*ack. timuo," a* the piece of lime said to the water. Wm:\ fiitt'iing a house, burglars often "i.ux the wind" oh ! "Tub top of the morning," — A good spin befoic hreiikfa.it. Thi" retiring theatrical .star is always an exacting ciuature. l'noi'KK food for hydropathists— Sponge cakes and Bith buns. A mimjvp.k is like a the Czar ; she is autocrat of all the Ruches. A TKr.<jß \fH wire is like a moustache. Ft is <»f no u-f? win n it is down. Wn u punishment should be awarded to th^ mm who steals a inarch? Pi«ju\uia n<> doubt but \s hat the crockery d»i tl ts al! sign their letters a.s Ewers truly. Mu Xh n ( k w lis recently mairied to Miss Thoin. That might be called a prickly p lir. What a wretched one ! Why ih a feline sitt up straight like Niagara ? Because it's a cat erect. "I suppose you won't charge anything forjii^trem'iinbennsrme !"said a one-legged sailor to a wooden leg manufacturer. A run bow h the emblem of hope, and the .Scotch lassie said her beau was her hope ; because, you see, he was her "am' beau. "Wnvr have you to remark about my singing?" asked an irate volcaliet. "Nothing," replied a spectator ; ' it is not remarkable.*' "Do you know how old Madame B is?" "Ye*. Two ye-irs ago she was 3°, Last year she was 38. Of course this year the must be 37." Sometimes a woman may be given to the doing of questionable things, but when it comes to her wedding, she always stands up for the rito. Ovc \sjo.vally a man is found who, when his constitution has run down, is foolish enough to try to wind it up with a very bad key — whiskey. Thi: question is asked us if there is anything that will brine youth t#> women. Yes, indeed. An incotns of say £20,000 will bring any number of them. O.ve for Pat — "I say, Pat, what are you about — sweeping out the room?" " No," answered Pat, "I'm sweeping out the dirt and leaving the room." Tevchi'-r (severely)— " John why is it that boys' hands are always dirtier than gills?" John (hesitatingly)—" Please, sir, thr girls washes the dishes." It is related as a singular fart that fat men never commit crime. It doesn't seem so singular when you reflect that it is difficult for a tat man to stoop to do anything low. The housp of a well-known member of society in Porchcster-terrace is exactly two miles one thousand .seven hundred and fifty-nine yards from the clr.b. This gentleman so constantly drives from his house to the club in .i cab, and so invariably gives the cabman the exact eighteenpence which is the legal f.ue, that lie is known to the eabdiivers of his neighbourhood as "the worst job in London.' A few days ago, however, he drove the distance, and being in a cheerful temper, he for once gave the cabman an extra sixpence. The cabman looked «it the unwonted two shillings, but said not a word, and prepared to drive away. " Why, you ungrateful rascal,"' said his fare, "I have given you an extra sixpence, and you never even say ' Thank you'!" "Would you like to know the reason why ?" asked the cabman, pulling up. " Yes, I should," returned his fare. "Then, .sir, it is this. I've druv you a good many yeais, and I never see a hextra sixpence from you afore. And. when I did sec it, .s' help me, it took my breath away !" Ar the age of 87 the veteran dramatist, Mr J. A. Herind, is about to publish what he announces will bo his l.tst poem, i entitled "The Sybil Among the Tombs." Many years ago he produced a striking I eoinp >sit,irm wit 1 ) .i strange title, which will long bo renumbered in connection with one of the ui)st c uistic roput'^s which Douglas Jerrold ever uttered. " Have you seen my ' Discent into Hell ?'" asked the > poet, .) few (hys after iN publication. "No," growled the wit; "but I should very much like to." j Ir h stated thitthe flats at Paris at prcsont unoccupied w.mld accoinodate 200,000 people. Mils (ininVld, the widow* of the ex-Prcs-id -Jit, i< Mnl to have an income of about 'Joa,ooodoK a > 0 oir. ir. Tur Vol ;a river is the Ln_'pst in The iJussi.m p 'op'i- c ill 't tlv Mother Volga. It is ..bout 2">O0 mi!e» long. Thi: Litest Iwmoui to b? shown to M. Paste-u 1 will be tlu> est.wbli'hment of a P.isteu' Institute in Mil m, Italy. M\\'-'llks.n R I'lmcieiti' nf OJdfellows can bo ist of no*»,°--- nie p nbeis, a>id a total capital of over si\ m>l!ton- sterling. Wn\[ is sud to "h> the 1 ir^p-t schooner in Hie \\ n ld will so,m b.3 launched at Bath, Maine. Slio will have a coal carrying capacity of 2 >00 tors One of the (I'Tumh nev\s;),ipers states that "at Vienna last ye.v no les> than 3*33 Jews becuii" Chiist'ans'* ; and another paper te-lls th it " at no period since the first eentui vI) i v e c niversi ,ns fr >m Judaism to ChiistMinty been so frequent as they are at pre-ont."' iSln William (ireen, of Highijate, lately destroyed i o-ll n of wine consisting of 2.~>00 bottlrs, \ .Uu >d it s'hmi.s at t'liOO. Mr Green e\j)laiiK'd that after " inatuie reflection and earue-t pr ivi r he h id come to the conclusion that it was (in 1\ will that he should part with the contents of his wine cellar.' _ " Hop3s and regrets aie the sweetest links i>f existence," »aid a sentnnent.il wife to hei hiisband. " Ye^, dear,' 1 he replied, " I bad hopes of letting you have three guineas for a new bonnet, but I regret to say I can't do it just at present.