Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2218, 25 September 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

Cat's-tbophy.— A mouse. The Nicest Tilings in Summer Hats— Pretty girls. t . As small letter* hurt the sight, so do small matters him that is too much "intent upon them.— Plutarch. Above the cloud which casts its shadow upon,us, is the star that sends its light towards us. —Victor Hugo. People who honestly mean to be truo, really contradict themselves much more rarely than those who try to be consistent.— t O.W. Holmes. German landlord (to agent for firm of wine-growers ): " How is that you sell your red native wine dearer than- the whit©!'- 1 Agent : uDo you think we get the colour for nothing?" " How could you think of calling auntie stupid ? Go to her immediately and tell her you are sorry for it." Freddie went to, auntie, and said, " Auntie, I am sorry you are so stupid." " Are you going to take the speech ver« j batim?" said a guest at a recent banquet to ! a reporter, as a gentleman rose to respond to a toast. " No," was the reply, "I am » i friend of that gentleman," "Mamma," said Johnnie, "can anybody hear with their mouth ?" " No, dear, I don't think they can," replied his mother. "Then mamma, what made Capt. Smy^he tell Lucy he wanted to tell her something, and he put his lips to her mouth instead of her sar?" An editor, who has reached the advanced age of 90, attributes his long life and excellent health to the fact that he nerer expected to please everybody and never tried to do so. In his comedy of "Time Work* Wonders," Douglas Jerrold says, •' Women are all alike. When theyr'e maids, theyr'a as mild as milk. Once make 'em wives, 'and' they lean their backs against their marriage certificates and defy you." Mrs Verger is much given to gadding, while Col. Verger is much given to staying at homo and smoking his pipe. " I believe you love your nasty old pipe more than you do me," she: remarked, indignantly. " I guess I do. My pipe doesn't go out as often as you do." A gentleman once asked a little girl, »n only child, how many sisters »he had, and was told "three or four." Her mother asked Mary, when they were alone, what induced her to tell such an untruth. "Why, mamma, \ cried Mary, "I didn't want him to think you were. so poor that you had but one child." At the Theatre.— "Madam," said Jones to the attendant, "will you give me my overcoat?" ''What is your number?" "I do not know," '"Do you expect me to get it without a ticket ?" "Certainly, I put it into the pocket of my coat, so that I shouldn't lose it!" Mekimee, referring to M. Viennet, of the French Academy, observed, "We must not speak ill of his tragedies. At the seige of Leipsic he had one in his pocket. A cannon ball ricocheted agains bis bieast; but the tragedy saved him. The missile had not strength enough to go beyond the third act." "Young man," said the professor, "you should not allow yourself t» be guided altogether by your own opinions. You should defer to the opinions of others." Student: "But the poet says, "Tis madness to defer.'" Professor. "True ;?j; ?j but the poet was Young when he said that." A little boy of three years, whose mother played the organ in church, and who was obliged to be left to the care of others, wu asked one Sunday morning what his kitten was crying so piteously for. " I don't know," said he, " but s' pect the old cat h»i gone to church." "You'll be glad to hear, John, said ft farmer to his shepherd one day, "that the University of St. Andrews has made our minister a doctor." "I am naeways surprised at that," said the shepherd. "Mair than twenty years syne he cured my wife o1o 1 a colic. I think he should hae been made a doctor lang syne!" " Now Johnnie, go and kiss your little sweetheart and make it up," said Johnnie ■ mother. "No, I won't!" "Go and tell her how much you love her, and how sorry you are." "No, I wont! Pa says he got into a breach of promise case by tellin' a girl that, and had to marry the old thing. I won't run any risks, I won't !"