Darieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2212, 11 September 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Darieties.

Capital Exercise. — Turning o\er money. True pity is cheerful an the day.— Cow per. We must be either doing or suffering. — Zinunennann. Thk Bi,->r Soar ok Wife for an Athlete.— A dumb belle. Loiiff .md tedious i-> the way that loadi by precept. -St Jerome. The office of liberality consfcteth in giving with judgment. — Cicero. When a man ii wrong:, and wont admit it, he always gets iinsrry.— Haliburton. It is a p»'id discretion not to make too much of any man at the firnt. — Bacon. Let's te.ich ourselves that honourable .stop, not to outspot discretion. — Shak^per©.

Win! rm: I>(x;-Sr\R i.v thk A'-ck.vimnt, ir woim) UK a Sikiu.s M\rrKii.— A contemporary asks if .-vi ev|)loBi<jn in » H-iu^.itje factory would be likely to produce .a KK'.vteoiic Miower.

A MorifKK said to her little girl who was whipping hor d'»ll, "Stop now, you have punished her enough." "No," replied the child ; " I don't want to be told, as pa often I tells you, that I am too weak with my children."

I A Musician.— Fiist Traveller: "And may I ask what your occupation is?" .Second Traveller: "I travel with Prof. Blow hard's Concert Company." First ditto: "Oh, a musician. What instruinent do you play?" Second ditto: "I help tune the biedrum."

.Emhkiio young lady: "Can you concm ye of anything more sombrely and poetic.illy solemn than the denouement of ' Rotneo and Juliet ?' Couid the poet have rn.'idw their fate more weirdly tragic *'' Cynical bachelor: " Uh, yes; he might ha\e mairied them?"

A nkkulr was recently found in an ej?(f taken fn»m under a Philadelphia hen that had * stolen " a npst. In this instance her owner made a gra\e mistake in not allowing nat'ire to take its course, as she was evidently sitting on the egg with the intention of hatching out a <-e\\ing machine.

'Mv, aaida nou\eau riche to hn son, hold ing up a buttle to the light, "where did thn last lot of champagne come from ?" " Same place a« la«t." "Well, it's all nuiked 'Sec' Wo don't want any second rju.ihty here. Send it back, Dan, and tell em we want the best or nothinc."

Thi: K\n«hMß Pk\vlt\.—" What's the extreme penalty for bigamy?' asked a man of an old lawyer. "Two wother.-«-in-Uw," was the answer. Whkn Forrg was regarding the late-t addition to the Knglwh language, ho said he would ask his wife ; she always had the l<i-.t word. Sm.f coNTKor. consists in the wilful and intentKin.il closing of the mind against dubious views and the heart against passions.

' 1 could marry any woman I please," said the poor old bachelor; but the difficulty of it would be to find a woman he could please.

"H.WE y<>u hoard how Jack Smith is? I was told he was sick.'" "He was serioulv ill until Dr. Barium was called in." "Then he is better now?" "No, he is dead."'

Whfv alone, guard your thoughts ; when in the family, giurd your temper; when in company, guard your words. No one should act so as to take advantage of the ignorance of his neighbour. — Cicero. No liberal man would impute a charge of unsteadiness to another for having changed his opinion. All noble enthusiasm* pass through a fo\eiish stige, and grow wiser and more serene. - -Chanui ng. We aie t«o prone, many time-*, to dislike thincs for the disliked persons' sake who practice them. — Howe. 111 1 is a .smart man who knows how to make a .speech, but it is a sn,arter man who kn<nvs how ,uid when to end one. Ai..\> ! How has the >ocial spirit of Christianity been perverted by fools at one time, and by bigots at another.— Colton. How can a pig always build his own dwelling place v —% tying a knot in his tail, which w:ll be a " pig\ tie (pigsty).

A Ooo.v HlntkuS Wifk.— A minister labouring in the mountain district of Fawtte county, We 4 Virginia, p.vps the foil* >svm^ cnii\er>atiou he had with a, wo'iian theie lecenfcly .— " Js your husband atlnnie?' '* Ko ; ht> is coon himtinp. He killed two \vop[)ing lu^ coons la^t Sunday." " Due-*, ho fear the Lord?" '"1 £ue«s ho does, c.iii'.f he always takes his <?un with him." "Have vv f >u any Presbyterians around here?'' " I don't know if" he has killed any or not. You can go behind the house and look .it the pile of hides to see if you can find any of their skins."'

Se\kkk '"K\ni." in Topor.mrHY. — (Half inebriated farmer, on his way home from the market, meet> the lately appointed schoolin.i^tei.) Farmer :" Well ! ye're the new dominie up at Kinloch, I'm tell'd." Schoolmaster: "Yes, I am. What of that V ' Farmer: '*()nr Johnnv\ wiye? I»n.i he ?"' " Schoolmaster : "1 behe\e so." Farrnci . ''An' he's in jography, tae ?" Sj}ioi>lm.i-ter : "Ay ! ;iv !' Farmer: "Wi>»l, heMiet'ii ni t for si\ months, an' the ither niL'ht the barn door key w.h lo*t, an' the deil a bit <>' him could tell waur it was. Is th.it a w.iv t<> teach jngraphy ?" (Collapse <>f dominie. )—B\ilie.

OiirimMiuMn in Ciucy.o.— There was .i hand painted siirn m fiont of an uptown uroeriy in Chicign, which onpinally read in dark rheumatic letter*, " Caft for Sail."' A \.My nervous and man livinp ii'iind the cmer noticed at once that it was wnmgly spelled, and spoke to tha proprietor about it. '" Hasn't that Pign been chanped yet. Bill?" he inquired of iis rontnlcnti.il cle r k. ''No, J purss not." " Well, hanp it all ! I told the boy to fix it l.i -.t nmht : {run me that n.arkinpf pot." .md nishniff out cf the stoic the board soon bore the cabihstic words, "Sault for C'ale ' '

Skiiim; Hr\s.- Thi- is the =ea*on when hens him mad, and will nut be comforted unle^ they cm hide away somewhere and sit day and night en a wooden nest egg or an old door knob. Several men were discussing tins question in a grocery store one evening recently. A man who owns a larj;e flock of Dorkings lemarked: "Not even an act of Congress can break up a settin' hen.'" "Even tried a janimin' 'em under a barrel an' pourin' water on 'em ?" demanded the man on the sugar barrel. "Yes," said the Dorking man, "I\e poured water on 'em till they grew wtb-footed, like a blamed duck, and afterwaids found 'em in an old co.vl hcd settin' away on lumps of coal." "Tie a red rag round one wine," said a man who was eating cheese and crackers, "that '11 Hk 'em." "Might 's well offer 'em a chromo,'" .said the Dorking man. " I tied a whole red woollen shirt on one last spring, an' dog my cats if she didn't make a ne>t of it an' set three weeks on the buttons!' 1 Then the crocer said it was time to close up, and each man girded up his loins and slowly Hied out. — Detroit Free PIPSs. Thk " Oi.uk- r Tnhamtaxt.''— He came in and took a chair, and as soon as he thawed out, he began talking tons about the big freeze in IKY 2, when all the trees on Buffalo Bayou broke down with ice. After he had almost persuaded us that the free/ing weather we had just had was tropical compared with that he had gone through, we asked him: "Colone) do you remember the time that the Thames was ftweu over 3 feet thick, and it snowed forty d«iy> without stopping*'" " Keuu mbor it ? I should say I did. That was the year me and Sam Houston came to Texas together. We had a bottle of pure whisky, but it fio/e solid. \\ebiokethe bottle and chipped off our dunks with a hatchet." "Do you lemember when the Adriatic was frozen over, and the trees burst open with reports like cannons?" "Of course I do. I had a plantation on the Adriatic, and lost ever so many nigger>."' "Then you must lemember when the Daidauelles and the Black Sea were frozen over, and the snow was piled 100 f.^t high?' The Colonel remembered if. Hid said th it he helped to sho>el away the Mi'iw. " Hnw old are you, Colonel?'" " I'm .i young man vet ; only 83 this coming -pun,,'. ' "C ilonel, the only time the Straits of Dardanelles were fro/cii over was in the year \.n. -JOS, so }mi mu-t be mistaken in jmir age. You mu^t be nearly 1 I"*> vrus <>Id " The old man said it wan astonishing how tenipus fugit, and walked off as bilmy as a spimg uiuru. —Texas Siftlllgs. Muru itv :— " I made jou a promise a minute ago — I promised a gift, and you thought you would take it ; But tho minute ha* passed, and with me, don't you know, V pio-insf applies to the time when I make it."