Narieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2209, 4 September 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Narieties.

ExpjtfWivjs Canks.— Hurricanes. If you find, you&annotmwteed -succumb. Dissolving Parliamentary break *np. '" 14 \ To niuT«— lf *rtrk wrH""Hotfcorae to you why not gfo to work ? * Sejt/.kmknt ok a Conveyance.— When an omnibus smashes a cab. By Hilence I he.tr other men's imperfections and conceal my own. — Zeno. Whkn i« a tea-pot like a kitten?— When your twnnin' it (tca'r in it). He vyho wrongfully receiver that he may well disppnne i.s rather burthened than assisted. — St Ambrose. When will talkers refrain from evil-speak-ing? When listeners refrain from eril-hear-injf. — Hare. Of this alone is God deprived, the power of makinc thaf which is past never to have been.— Aristotle. A$KKKar« good indicator* of the weather. Combine a bee and * small boy, and they will produce a squall. A PHi/.osorHKß who had married aa ignorant pfirl used to call her " brown sugar," an he said she w,ii .sweet but unrefined. Bkdad !— An Irish editor, apologising for a rather serious blunder in hi* patter, said, " I never saw the manuscript till it was in print." A Chicago merchant is going to have his name stamped on 50,000,000 toothpicks. He seems qu<t« desirous to hare his name in everybody's mouth. A nAKKisi'KK observed to a learned brother in court that he thought his whiskers were \ cry unprofessional. "You are right," replied his friend ; " a lawyer cannot be too bare-faced." In a market-town in the North the following pUcard ia affixed to the shutters of » watchmaker who ha« decamped, leaving his creditors minus :— " Wound np, and the main-spring broke." " Am I not a little pale?" inquired a lady, who was rather Hhort and corpulent, of a crusty old bachelor. •• You look more like a big tub," was the blunt rejoinder. Is a railway carriage. An old soldier, H'* 10 . 1 ."*. 111^ his pi PcP c tro »Wed l«dy, said to her, 1 hey don't smoke in your regiment, ma am ? " In my regiment it is possible," replied the lady, "but in my company, never. X Jt "Younc. MorHKR" (Ashnrst Wood).— Your hands must be full with all those babies to see to! You are affectionate, impulsive, your heart rules your head, hare a good deal of decision and much quiet determination ; are kindly and fond of your own way. A LWiX of about thirty yeara of age married a wealthy old bachelor of Dallas, Texas. A female friend asked her, " But tell me. Why didn't you marry your husband ten years ago ?"' ' " Well you see ten years ago he was too old for me." MASTKitof the house, writing a letter: 11 My dear friend. I cannot write you as freely as I would like, as my new secretary in impertinently looking o\ er my shoulder " Secretary, indignantly, from the rear: " I am dome nothing of the kind, sir !" A spoonful of jam was put on baby's plate, and, of course the proud mama mu*t exhibit little imssy's accomplishments. But the gently insinuating "What do you say to the lady ?" resulted in nothing more than a renewed devotion to the delicacy. The suggested "Thank you" was not forthcoming ; and to the encouragingly repeated " What does the baby say for thu nice jam ?" that wise child, holding out her plate in two chubby hands, promptly replied, "Itty more jam !" An old Xorth Sea skipper who was asked to buy a number of life-belts for his vessel's use waxed eloquent in the sublimity of his contempt. " Take em' away !" said the old "salt." "Don't let me see such long-Bhore rubbish on my decks. I don't want no lifebolts, nor no suislling-salts, nor no eau-de-Cologne, nor no feed ing- bottles or fans aboard of me. Them as sails in my ship has got to stick to her as I do ; and if she goes down, why, I expects them in duty bound to go along with her !" The Mvn, the Time, and the Place.— •'Alfred.'' you say you have no ambition fora professional life, that politics are distasteful to you, you dislike the stage, and music bores you, that you never read, and it wearies you to carry on a conversation, you have no head for business, and no taste for athletic sports, and you dnn't like to think for yourself, and want u> to suggest an appropriate, congenial occupation for you. Oh, most fortunate young man ! Blessed by all the god" that rei<;n over our social life ! Go into" society,'' Alfred, go into " society," your a born ornament for it. A Silvku Fohk in- his Boot. — Two Hungarian noblemen, booted ala Magyar, wore lately dining with aPurisi m friend". While the roasts were coming nn> Xobleman One observe.] Xoblemau Two sticking a silver fork into his boot. He said nothing, but reflected. Over the walnuts and the wine, ha introduced the subject of i>re«tidieritntion, "It i-» very ea*y,'' he said. "Look ! You see, I h.i\e stuck this fork into my hoot. But is it there ? Xot at all. Presto, change ! It is in my fiiend's boot." And he drew it from the boot of Xobleman Two, who outwardly smilud, but inwardly gnashed his teeth. Xobleinan One walked off with the fork in safety. — San Francisco Argonaut. So Soon Foiujoitkn'.— A young man and a young wom-m lean over the front gate. They are lovers. It is moonlight. He i 3 loth to leave, as tlie parting is the last. He is about to go away. She is reluctant to see him depart. They swing on the gate. •' I'll never forget you,"' he says, "and if death should claim me, my last thought will be of you." " I'll be true to you," she sobs, "I'll never see anybody cUe or lore them as long as I live.' They part. Six years later he return*. His .sweetheart of former year* has married. They meet at a party. Between the dances the recognition takes place. " Let me see," she muses, with her fan beating a tattoo on her pretty hand, " was it you or your brother who was lr.y old sweetheart ?' " Really, I don't know," he says. "Probably my brother." The conversation ends. Encouraging.— A sparring-match. The pugilists deal each other some terrible blows, and one of them receives a severe cut on the face which brings blood. The referee, who decides that the blow was not given fairly, approaches the wounded man, who is sponging his face, and remarks encouragingly, " That blow doesn't count. I declare it a foul !" " Quos Deus vult perdere prius dementat —Those whom God has a mind to destroy he first depiives of their reason." A phrase most frequently applied to Ministers of State whose real or imputed faults are taken a« the prelude to their approaching fall. (Extract from "Kew Dictionary of Quotations," published by John Farquhar Shaw, 27, Southampton-row, London.) Montalkmbert's constant recommendation waa to do all that one undertook with enthusiasm. " Without it," he said, " yonr life will be a blank, and success will never attend it. Enthusiasm is the one secret of success. It blinds us to the criticisms of the world, which so often damp our very earliest efforts ; it makes us alive to one single object— that which we .ire working at— and fills us not with the desire only, but with the resolve of doing well whatever ia occupying our attention." A younc; married lady who moTed into the country from London considered the keeping of hens a pleasant and profitable undertaking. As she grew more absorbed in the pursuit, her enthusiasm increased, and " hens " became a favourite subject of her thoughts and conversation. During one of her animated descriptions of her success a friend inqniied, "Are your hens good laying; hens? 1 "Oh, yes," she replied, in a delightful tone, "They haven't laid a bad egg yet ?' ' There was a wedding the other night in a cottage on Benton-street, and about 11 o'clock a number of boys got together to give the newly-married couple a serenade. They had horns and pans and various other musical instruments, and had just tuned up when the groom came to the door and said : " Boys, don't ! This 'ere noise disturbs us." A clod of earth hit him below the belt, and ho retired for a few minutes. When he reappeared he announced : " Xow, then, this 'ero has got to stop or something will happen." "What will it be?" inquired a voice. "My wif'll come out and bounce the crowd." He retired again as chunks of ihrt began to rattle about his ears, but in » short time the door was thrown open and the bride jumped out with a club in her hand. She was all business from the start, and more than one serenader got a sound whack before he distanced her. In five minutes ..he had scattered the crowd over ten acres, and the husband stood in the door and clapped hi* hands and shouted : "Go in, Mary ! I knew you fellers would hear something drop if you kept on."