Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2200, 14 August 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

"Bald Chat. —Barbers WHAT is that that can never be slow and sure?— A watch. A coxcomb is ugly all ovtr with the affectation of a fine gentleman. —Johnson. Humility is the first of virtues— for other people. — (). W. Holmes. Bko vi) ideas are hated by partial idea* ; this is, in fact, the struggle of progresi,-— Victor Hugo. Human nature or human frailty cannot subsist without some lawful recreation. — Cervantc*. Tkuk happiness is of a retired nature, and an onemy to pomp and noise. — Addison. It ir likely our hearts are pure and our intentions spotless, when we are not solicitous of the opinion and censurts of men. — Jeremy Taylor. A London tradesman says that the appearance of the Queen in public helps trada .—in other words, the ciiculation of th« noveieign helps to circulate the sovereign. ' * \thkk," said Bobby, " what is meant by the intoxicction of wealth ?" " It mean* that money i-, tight," replied Bobby* father, who h.vd beun trying all day to find a friend to back a bill f,»r him. Aftkk a Clvsmcvl Covckrt.— Mr B.own: "Igh hirt! 'Ang 'igh hart! I likesmusic with toons in it. Seems to m« the igher the hart, the Wider the armonv. OMNims Philosophy. -Calm conductor: ban t take that threepenny-bit, sir ! " Indignant passenger : " I'd like to know whr not !" Calm conductor : "It's too smooth " Indignant passenger : •• Well, that's cool ! You /rave me that very threepenny-bit. An I came into town this morning I took it from you in change."' Calm conductor: " Well, you nee, we are more particular than you." A MAN on a train was heard to groan so frightfully that the passengers took pity on him, and one of them gave him a drink out of a whisky flank. "Do you feel better !*' anked the giver. " I do," said he who had groaned. "What ailed «you, anyway!" "Ailed me?" "Yes; what made you groan so?" "Groan? Great Land of Goschen ! I was singing !" The generous man will never quite cease to regret the loss of that drink of whisky. " John" she said to the young man who had been courting her for fi\e long years — ■'John, I sat foi my photograph to-day. T suppose v<m want one?"' "Oh, yes, indeed. 7 ' *' By-the-way, John, I had them taken esjKJci.illy for .some friends in California, and they want tny autograph on the cards. Now, John, I don't know whether to sign tny maiden name or wait a few months until after lam married. I suppose you do intend to get married in a few months, don't you John ?" It was a desperate move, but she won, <tnd in two months both will be made one. Grkuokivn Music. — A Yankee was taken by a friend to a Roman Catholic church, celebrated for its Gregomn music. After the service hi.- friend a-ked him how he liked the music, and he replied that he didn't think much of it. " But,"' .-aid his friend, " thnt wa- Gregorian muMc, the oldest that we have. That is the music that David used to play before Saul." " Wai, is it now? That explain- a part of the Scriptures to me. I never could understand why Saul should have -hied his javelin at David : but now that I am aware that David inflicted that quality of torture upon the p >or old man, I'm heart and soul with Siul." Hi: Didn't Know Kvocch.— lt was a TsVw York capitalist who filing a thousand dollars at one of hi-* «nn>, and said, "Them it is, and it is tli" last dollar you'll get from trie ! You don't know enough to pound salt ! Snecuhtion ! Why, you luwen't sense enough to buy and ship eggs !" Twelve months afterwards the old man went down to Florida to see about a three-thousand acre tract of land he had purchased at three dollar- an acre for an orange-grove. He went to the hetd-qnarters of ''The Coochebochee Orange-Grove K-tate Agency. " and found that his .-on was pre-njent, -ecretary, treasurer, and sole owner. Half-an-hour later he discovered that his three thousand acre- rai-ed alligator- in-tcad of orangey and that th» boy hud cleared eight thousand dollar by the transaction. Tin: contemplation <>f bjauty and -üblimity in nature and in art, or of high and noble character in hi-toiy, the influence of Hue poctty upon the, imagination, the wonder- of tel';-cope and micro-cope — eveiything, in fact, that tends to enlarge the -oul and expand the faculties, and lead to thought- of the inhnite beyond, has a direct buiiiinsr upon the -pirit of morality. It ha- been said that "an uudevout a-t)onoiiiei i> mad, ' ami it i-> equally true th.it ,\n onthu-ia-tic lover of truth, or beauty, or purity, or -uh' unity, in any of their pha-e-, who i- aviciou- ..r unmoral man, must al.v> be mad. It is to -uch jnositive inspiration and such artu.il development of impul-e-, now too often slumbering within men's bren-t», that we must chiefly look for an enlarged and purified inouhtv. Whi:n Verdi wa- putting the last touches t< % "II Trovatore," he was visited in hi- study by a privileged fnend. The Iripud was one of the atile-t living musicians and critics. He wa- petmitted to look at the score nnd run over the "Anvil Chin:-" on the pianoforte. "What do you thinlc of that?"' a-ked the ina-ter. " Tr.i-h 1" -aid the connoisseur, Verdi rubbed his hands ,<ind chuckled. "Now look at this and this," he -aid. " Rubbish !" The composer ro-e and embraced him with a burst of joy. "What do you mean?" asked the critic "My dear friend," cried Verdi, "I hare been making a pnpul ir opera. In it I resolved to please everybody except the great judge-*, the cl i-sici-t*, like you. Had I ple.i-ed you T should have pleased no one el-»e. What you say n-«ure- me of my success. In three month- 'II Trovatore will be sung, and roared, and whistled, and barrel-organed all over Italy. ' Li\k a» on a mountain. Let men see, let them know a ieal man. who live- as ht was meant to Ji\«\— Marcu- Aurelfus. Hk is one of tho-e fellows who dne into the well of truth and cioak only with the ftogs at the bottom.— Dougla*. Jerrold. "Improve your opportunities," said Bonaparte to n school of young men ; "every hour lost now is a chance of future misfortune." DiUNKI.VG water neither make- a man -ick, nor in debt, nor ms wife a widow.— Spani-h Ma\im. (Try it warm.) Whkthkh we play, or labour, or -sleep, or dance, or study, the -un post- on, and the sands runs. — Feltham. Be not ashamed of thy \irtne- ; honour's a good brooch to wear in a man's hat at all times, — Ben Jonson. Of all our infirmities, vanity is the dearest to us : a man will starve his other vices to keep that alive.— Franklin. Dkfkrenck is the most delicate, the most indirect, and the most elegant of all compliments. — Shenstone. Iwiolablk fidelity, good humour, and complacency of temper, outlive all tha charms of a fine face, and make the decays of it invi-ible. The man who farms hi- brain- to their full extent year after year, and does not believe in occasional fallowings, will find at last that brains, like land, will run out. An inward sincerity will of course influence the outw aid deportment ; but where the one is wanting, there is a great reason to «u-.pect the absence uf the other. — Sterne. Flk who, when called upon to speak a disagreeable truth, tell- it baldly and has done, is both bolder and milder than he who nibbles in a low voice and never ce.ases nibbling'. — Lavater.

WE XE\i:il GAVK HIM ANYTHING. Cheap rctaurAnts at a fixed price rarely display much generosity beyond stereotyped permission to eat as much tough bread a& )'oti like for a penny, and the filter at a little establishment in the neighbourhood <»f Leicester Square was staitleil l.i-t Wednesday by a customer calling linn indignantly and holding upsomething in hi-* -poon for inspection. Thfr follow ing 1 dialogue ensued : Cu-tomei : " Look here, William, what's thi- ?' William : " Looks like a boot-lace, -,irJ" Customer ■. 'It I^, .1 boot-lace, and it ht*s in my soup.' William : " l}eg your pardon, sir : but would you mind loweung your \oicc '." Customer : Louvi my \oice, indeed ! You ought to be- ■ — " " Sir, Don't let that gentleman at the coriLU; hear you. He's dined here legular for eighteen month-!, and we've never thrown him anything in."