Varicties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2197, 7 August 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

Gtmero-uty m catch ins?. — L<«rd <ire\ille. Ok.VI7.KMKN 1 OF C'H.ont.— Igniters.

l-'lTh of ABsniACTioN.-— Mental i»lajfi.

To ipc< ignite h to know in better. — Victor H'isto.

The Jihir Kimj ok Skihanps for fTofKi.s. — innexpenenced,

Whkn may Hportsman bo said to b« like fashionable tailor.-*. ?— When they make good " bag*. '

Thf real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men.— O. W. Holme*.

(irsii'*> may be arrogant, but nothing is to diffident d* knowledge. — liuhver Lytton.

M\rki v.k i-> .1 lottery, in which men stake tljPir hbcity «md women their happinea*. — Mui>\ d<» Rieu\. ]\FJ-\MAI!ONS aro more safely and fur m >iii jigi'^'ably -übdn-'d by the application of u. 11 in u'.itci than of cold. Til J- UK i>> .m art in putting on gloves, »ay» ,1 fashion p.ipi r. Yo> -it is easy enough ciftfr yon got your hand in. Thk <,T<*at .ire dectuved if they imajjine tlify have appropriated ambition and vanity to — Fielding. hkHViiiox ok A L\u^kr.~ A man whose tr.ido is to content e\erythmg, concede nothing, and talk by the h >ur. A ni.itbiMn iticun \\ h<» liad a little hpare timo recently weighed the earth, anrl found its weight t'j be .VS"i"3,000,000,000,0001b. exattlv.

Li:vw» rx Mwvi.ik- Suall boy : " Afa, p.i*-> thr bread.'" Mother, sternly ;"' lf what, my «<m ?"' Small boy, smartly :" If you can reach it.'" A friend vays the prettiest «e\ving machine he ever saw was about seventeen years old, with short hleeve*, low dress and gaiter boots on.

Hkkr RrgMER, in his lately publi*h«d diary, ways that (Joethe once remarked to him — " Coovietry is seltisihnesH in the form of beauty. The man who keeps no passion in control Is but a self-assa*.*in of the boul ! —William H. Hams.

Even* as the bow cannot possibly utand bont, so human nature or human fraility can nut subsist without some lawful recreation.

Smith (nervously) : " Are you sure thare .ire no toadstools among these mushrooms?" Mary (guilelessly) : " They wuz bought for the mi-Mis' table, but >he told me to try 'em first on the boarders."

A Coming E\knt.— (Scene : Po'.t-'tffice in George, square.) Irishman (to official): " Tf you plcise, mUter, whore will I put thi> letter ''. ' Official : " Where is it going to?' IritlumiM : " Sure it\ for me brother in (ialway. ' Otficwil : "All In^h letters go into the 'foreign' bo<c now.— The H.\ilie.

Hirx Simpson is an engineer on the International atxl Great Xoithern Ha] road. He was off duty nt Austin a few d.iy> ago. He met .hulgo Peterby, with whom he in uequ. tinted. ''I .s^y, judge, I wish you Mould do me a favour." " I'll do it." "It will be appreciated by all the engineers on tho Internationil and Great Northern Railr<».id." "What can I do for you .ill?" " Please don't hancr round tho depot wheis the trains are coining in. They are everLi^tingly mistaking your red nose for ft danger bjgnul, and it confuses them."

A fiKNiXKMVN at a recent matinee at a theatre in the Strand was seated behind » lady wearing one of the new fashionable tall hats. "Kvcine me, madam: but, if you do not remove your hat, I shrill not bo able to see anything."' The lady ignored hun. '' K\cu-.e me madam ; but, if jou do not remove your h.it, something unpleasant will happen. ' The lady ij,'n<ued him again. The gentleman jniton hi^ own hat. Loud cries of " T.ike off that hat ! Take off that hat !"' ar<«^e from the audience behind. The lady thought the crie.s referred to her hat, and removed it. "Thank you, madam 1 '

Thk accomplished wife — -now dead — of General Honker, when she was the admired Miss Grne-ibeck, of Cincinnati, was once at an e\enmjj party, when a fashionable young dandy was asked if he would like to be presented to her. " Oh, yes," said ho languidly, " trot her out !" The lady ovei heard the lemaik, and, when he wan presented, Am adjusted her eye-slashes deliberately, and slowly scmned his clothing from boot to collar. The >ur\cv finished, -he waved her hand and said carelessly, " Tint him back !" Ir is a remaikable characteristic of the waiters in Paris restaurants that no matter what anyone asks for, even if it should be "a fucd piece of the moon," those gentle-man-like attendants invanably reply, <% Ye>," and eithet bring" it or, on returning, a^seit with borrow that "unfortunately there i> no more left.*' A wellkn >\vn (Jo\eininent official tried the joke iecuitly, when he ouleiul the waiter to bring him a "splun\ a l.i I^*' '"But I grieve to <;\y we h.ne no more, monsieur,' 1 teplied the waiter. " What— no more spluiiv!" eveLiimed the Muu-ter of the interiMr, foi^'niiisf astonishment. The u. uter low eted hi> \oice. an 1 murmured in .1 confidenti.il whispjr, "We ha\c some moie, monsieur ; but the truth is I should not care to them to yon, as they are not quite fre>h.''

(Join* ton ToNWi/r.— An Englishman htd 'Managed to pa?.* the Civil Service examination im^ obtained the important office of "■ ganger " in one of the Western islands of Scotland. The locality was noted for smuggling, and .is "new besoms aweep clean,'" he was \eiy desirous of making » fceizure. He met T'>n.ilc in the principal, or rather the only, hotel in the island. They had .several "wets," and were becoming quite confidential. Says the Englishman, " Xow, loi\k here, ole f«Ilo\ I understand there .ire a number of private still 4*4 * about hero. Xow, I would like to lay my hands on one. If you can put me intho way, Tonnlt, I wouldn't mind giving you a h\er to yourself." " Och, ay '."' says Tonult. " M.iybe's yell l>e needin' yer fivrr tao yer nainscl". Bi the ' Paps o1o 1 Jura. !' my l.iddie, >taun' a hauf mutchkin, /tn 1 I'll -how ye wh.it ye want."' The drink was produced, drunk, and paid for. *' Xoo," ><iy>. Tonalt, "here's my son ' (alluding to a, strapping fellow who •was home on fur« lough, and was standing beside them), "ho listed in the !)3rd say year* ago, and he's a pmate >till,''

SroßiF") ok Col hi ship.— "So you jist got back frum Halierfax, eh, Mr Johnsin? 'Clar to gracious ! you's quite a trab'ler." " Ya'as, Mr Peters ; .seems like eberyting and ebdrybody done change sence I was here. Mr Simpson Rut white hair, de ole wooden .school hou&e done change to brick, de Mef'dist Chuich gone an' growd a steeple. My, my. how dis yer wor' do turn around ! Tell me, Mr Peters, wliar's my ole sweetheart, Miss Mary Ijates" "She aint you' .sweetheart, Mr Johnsin. She am my wife, an' de finest wife in da land." 4 "Clar to goodness! Mr Peters, you give me a drefful start. I disremeraber as she hked you partickler. How did she come to turn her 'teution to you ?'' "Well, sah, .she had ter. I took a mean adwantage ob dat lubly creature, Mr Johu->in, a drefful mean advantage, f lubbed her, an 1 1 got tired ob ?eein' all the young fellow.-, a shinin' round her. I tout' de matter ober, an' oi\e day I goes to her an' 1 say*, 'Miss Mary,' says I, ' I got 100 dols. agin a rainy day, an" 20 dols. fer a .silk divss fer der happy woman which takes my lun' in lawful wedlock. ]>at dar dtess ha* got to go to you <>r eKe to dat Simmons gal down in MhoSille." Wid dat I turn to so away. 14 "WVII, what 'sponge did Mi>s liate^ make* igiu dat <lai argym^nf'"' "Well, «ah, sud >he didn't m>« no i^b-on why der dre-*i shouldn't f-tav in tli^ wiihige." 1 4l l)at dar inind> me ob der o>>"tUhip i>fa>ailor man in H.«llorf,i\," vudthe tuueller. '* He w^s h dt^penit nun, an' der ladie-. was 'dined, to bo a-caied ob him. One d.vy he 'ceedeit in pitting one ob <ia lublie-t belleb in der town out row in' in a boat wid him. When he got back he an' she went straight to \ mini?*ti»r to git m.inied. "Tell me.' said del p.u-son, ' dons yer l.vdv take you ob her own free will?' He s'picioued suthin' i wrong bout her case, yer ->cc. 'Ye-, s-ah ' plied her despernt sailor man. 4 I wai 1 'teekler to a\ dat ai'dentical question. We ji-t been out for a iow in der harboui, sah. When we "ri\od in der deepest water, >ah, I reached down and pulled der plug out'n der bottom ob der boat. "What you doin'," .says she. " Letton' der water in," s.vys I. " Lor', what fer you doin' dat t n she -,ays. "Susan,"' says 1, "der ca*e i^ serous, youg.mi fer to promise to marr^ me els* you goin' fer to drowu." "Kf itV all dvr same to you," *nyji >.lie, " T'd rather not drown," >,ays she. So T put der pJXig in again. Oomin' back I axed her tf dis yt'i promise wa> ob her m\n freewill, mid sh^ said it was. 1 >er parson wa< j>»r?eckly satisfied."— Harper's Ha/.aar.