Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2194, 31 July 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

A Red Setter.— The sun. Calumny requires no proof.— Hazlitt. MattkH Ol' FoiiM. — The wearing of corsets. Mfx Who Must Dr uv the Lwe SomkWHKKK.— Surveyor. liiiu.s we love for what they are; young men for what they promise to be. — (ioethe. You should forgive many things in othei s, but nothing in your-elf. — Ausonius. JIovMiVKU we dccciv c our.selve.s, as dear unto (Jod is the poor peasant as the mighty prince. — Plato. i'oj ii kvks,js is like an air cushion. There may be nothing m it, but it eases our jolta vvondei fully. Tiiosk who -neer habitually at human natun , and got to d<;-piv; it, aie among itd wui-jt and least pleasant samples. — Dickens. L\ndl vm : "The pipes are burst, and the wat oi is all over the hou-e." Boarder : " Yes, I noticed it. ' " JJitl you ? Where ?" '■ In tho soup."' Brnovs : "Missus told me to como down and t^ll yon n hn was not at home." Huficott : "(in back and tell your mistress I say I haven't called." Two boys quarrelling: "My pa i« a preachei, an' will go to heaven." *'Yft*, an' my pa is - a doctor, an' can kill your ol« pa." "Wh \t are ymi doing now, plumber?" " Attending to the wa<tu pipe." "Oh, I thought from your attitude you were principally engaged upon the wa->te of time." Do not upoil to-day by thinking of to« morrow, or mar your breakfast by specu« lating on what you shall have for dinner. Wk instinctively applaud the courage of self-assertion ; wo should honour with still higher approval the courage of selfrestraint. Why is a woman deformed when she is mending her .stockings ?— Because her hands are whore her feet ought t<i be. One More Fond Ekpukssiok.— "My dear wife !" as the man said when ho looked at tho last milliner's- bill. Polk-itical. -It is said that Prince Bismarck does not care anything about tho wires ; but he thinks the Poles ought to ba underground. Even as the bow cannot possibly stand always bent, so human nature or human frailty cannot aub-iUt without some lawful recreation. A man being asked why he talked to himself, replied candidly, " Because I liko to converse with a man of sense. Whkn a Chicago man docs a good deed the people erect a monument to his honour. There are no monuments in Chicago. In France a certificate of birth must be produced before a marriage can take place. You have to prove that you have been born or you can't get married, that's all there is about it. Whvt men want is not learning but knowledge— that i<, the power to make learning answer its tine end as a quickener of intelligence and a widener of their intellectual sympathies. The cultivation of good nature and speaking of other- a- we would have them speak of us, according to the spirit of the golden rule, would very soon cure the moral di.-easo of scindal in all who are afflicted with it. "Tm hi \ mighty few troubles as men have that a woman isn't at the bottom of," said :i precocious -mall boy after his mother had pnm-hed him by sending him to bed w lrhout hi- •■ upper. Fkxrh'l Dishovi -it. — "Soldiers must; be fearfully di-hono-t."- iv- Mis Partmgton, " <is it seem- tv by .i nightly occurrence for a ->':itiy ti btj relies ed of hi- watch. ' A CfA>-im natural hi-tory being asked the ditteience between a dog and a tree, the head boy an-'vered, "A tiee h covered with buk, while a dog t<» be lined with it.' 1 Wimmm is thu hi£rhe-t of conquest- to eveiy -on of Adam— n iv, in a large sense, the one conque-t ; and the, precept to every one of us X ever, "Abmeall thy getting*, get under-tanding." Ko individual can attain to tine manliuc's without lovuig and I.ibouung for other-. The good of each i- bound up in the good .if ail, and no one can live to hims»lf alone. The effoit to do -o ie-ulti only tn a feebler, pooioi, weaker -elf. " Ye-, I in a loctuiei.'' -aid the longhaue 1 pa--enuer, "nnd 1 m m iking money. Ive <_',>t a -cheme, I havf ;>nd it wmks tr» achn in i>i n 'hou-.e, wh «iever I go." "A soh' me .'" "Ye-, I tlwav-, adveiti-e that iv.v lectmcs aie »pt li dlv t< i women under ■tunlvvi u- of age and foi ni"n who art* i out ot debt. \ .iv ou'^ht to see the way tho in »>j)le come tiooping Hi.' 1 Hlw.i- sitting silently bv her -ide ono chilly evening, thinking of -omething to say. Finally he lum.ukod, ''How sad it is; the fic-t ha- com», and it will kill evisi\ thing gieni.' Thereup >n the youn£ lady extended hei hand ami -aid in a sympathetic tone, " ( Jood-bve." Soirvi. Krurrx.- Buon : "Cnod mornni£, my dear fuend: I -nppo-e you aro L'omg to pay a \i-it to Madame de B?'* Fnend: "Certainly f intended to do so; but I fortunitely lemeinbeied ]u-t in time, that tin- l- the day w h"ii -he i- at home. I will thfMcforo e.ul to-iuoriow !' lviTßveiiewjr r theuiie-, gi.iw out of thought without lib mi-. The in m wh<> wi-he- to lefoini the woild must bear a part in the world'- interests -\nn nreupitions. He mu-t do his -hare in the laboni of the world a- it h, or hu ctunothope in any degree to mike the woild what it should be. Mrs SMiriKuv, who flattei- hcr-elf upon her youthtul app-Miunce : "That young" lady overthere i- my daughter, Mr Jones ; would you believe it.'" .Tnir 1 -, looking in thewi mgdiie.ction : " Your daughter V In it pii->,ible .' I should have gue-ied she wan your si>tei." Mi- Sinithsoy : " Xot th» iady you are looking at, Mr .Tone-; she is my mother." .Tones: "Oh!" When the first Due de Morny wan elected deputy, not wishing- to saciihce hi* elegance to his oih'cial gravity, ho went to see his hat-makei, and laid the .situation bsfoiehini. The hat-makei reflected for * moment, and then replied : "I understand! what you want, Mon-iem le Due. I will make you the article you de-iie— a hat of * serious shape, but with a little gaiety in tha brim." Fexdkus, who lecently purcha-ecl an alarm clock, -ays the thing l- a confounded humbug. [ I -et the alaim," ho explained, " before going to bed, after taking the precaution to stop the clock, so that its tickingshouldn't keep me awake. And — would yon believe if/— I overslept next nioining a whole hour later than Usual." Joxivs, a Manchester nouveau riche, and hid son, intent on foreign tiavel, ■weie buyI jng a guide to Austria at a bookseller*.*. \ To assure himself of it- accuracy, Jones junier tried to find Moscow. .Tories- senior j a*si-tpd him in this helpie-s- r.i-k. At tho I end of five minutes Jones junior, in desl pair, was about to throw the book a^ide as worthle.-s, when In- father wa- .-nddenly inspired. "Ko wonder you can't find it,"'' he exclaimed— " you foiget that Moscow was burned t "