Varieties.

Waikato Times, Volume 2188, Issue XXVII, 17 July 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Varieties.

A sf'KPTi'', who w.i-. trying to confine » Christian coloured man by contradictory passage-* in the Bible, asked how it could be that wo ar« in the -pint and the «pint in tw. Ko received the following reply : "Oh, dar's no piu/Ie 'bout dat ; it's like dat poker. I put-, it in rle fire; until it gets red hot. Now, dc poker's mdc hre and do fire's in dn poker." Thkv were arguing about the usefulness ofusin^ tolncco. "What would yi»u think," HJiid the minister, impressively, "if you met an angel coming down the .street with a cigar in its mouth ?'" What, "retorted the .sinner, " would you think if you lav one in a plus? hat mid a pair of ear muffs connnjf up the street. The c >al bin's pitting empty, There's more demand fur beer ; And these ai ** indications That Spiing ih .ilinust here. A phi: \<RKR, in a -erinon on dancing, say-> : " There is a line wheie safety ends and p w ril begin*. In dancing, that line em be definitely drawn, :nr] the place to draw it is around th» woman's waist/ The preacher is quite ri^ht. BltE\l> SKKKINd VERSUS MFFT-HrXTI!f(». —Squire : " All ! u'ood morning, Dob-jcm. You wen* not at the meet yesterday, I saw - and you are such a sportsman, to<i !" Fanner Dobson : " Meet, Squire ! Why, darn me if 't ant quite as much as I can do to look after gating 'bread' these hard times. I must lea,v« the meet to my betters. " A patent medicine advertisement say : "The human body is much like a pood clock." This is a rather unfortunate comparison. Pour a lot of patent medicine into a good cli>ck and apply » porous plaster to its internal machinery, and it will quickly stop running. Ergo, if a man is similarly constructed— but draw your own conclusions. " Did you execute this instrument without fear or compulsion from your husband?' blandly a*ked Judge Xoonan of a large, fierce-looking woman in a land suit. "Fear or compulsion ! He compel me ! You don't know me, Judge !"' The Judge remarked in a low voice that he was glad of it. Tins is not the fashion department, yet it might here he announced that the most appropriate trimming for a .stout lady's corsage would be embonpoint lace. An Albany, (Jeoiph, lady said that during the war *he paid K'2o foi one sjiool of thread, S3OO for a pound of tea, and g"6 S4OO for a simple gingham dress. As this is the only \rar article we shall publish today we give it without di igiams. Thbbe ii a man in Hailem s > short that he can't tell whether a small cccresence he has discovered lately is a corn on his foot or a wart on his chin. " T)o you behave this story told by the police that there are no gambling house* running in San Francisco?" " Ye«. Why should they run ? There's nothing to be afraid of." The man who never does any harm might crawl into a cave and .^tay there ten years without being missed. — Chicago Ledger. Thk practical questions which are now asked in the public schools lead to some funny answers from the younjjer pupils, of which the foil >\vmg is .111 illustration :—: — " What does molrs-.es come from v' said a teacher the other day. Several incoirect rep'itjs weie mwMi, and at last a bright uichin s.nd, '"I know.' "Well." was the response, "whit is your answer?' 1 "From .1 hogshead," said the s^liolai. The teacher could hatdlv say that this was not correct, th'ni^'h it wis evuluntly a solution that she did not evpjct. Jso->ro\E>K Fiu'svm — This conversation was lecentlv overlie ird on the water -ide of H» icon-street :: — t4 Go>d morning Mis Xou-veau-Riche."' "<Jood niorniny, good mornI iiu T , Mis I'llgrim Phi it in. Did \ou know I my d\ughter was en</i_'ed .'" " Xn, indeed. j»I did not.' "It's tme ; we hive j.ist I -ent to Palis by cable to order h<>r bridal I trousers."' j Now, they sny that the stin? of a bee ! will c ire llieuinati-ni. It citunlv h.«s a , tendency to nuke a man foigt't iheuniatisru j for a turn*. Undei the, impetus of an Al j b^e in good working oidei uiriii have been I known to howl for death. i l.vvooM \[orHtit. — Who i^ this Mrs 1 Cm 1 oveihe.ud tie b >v> s i^a'^ing of lait i nignt in tht'ir i-i»i>m ? InddFeicMt l-'.ither— Xeve,r heaid of h^r. Inn icent Mothei— l think she must 1>« ,m old c >l"iired woman who does thjiir uas'iinz. Tney always speak of her as Aunti* U]>. The editoi of a Mormon paper in Salt Like is in jail for supimrtinz fi.nr wi\e«, and a San Fi incisco editor " begs him to inform the profession h<wv he supports four on on* 1 paper." We should think it could bs easily done — that is, " on paper." A CuiCAuO woman as applied for a dhorcj because her husband objects to st'indm? up in a street car and allo\. ing his wife's pet poodle to occupy a .-eat. "How do you sell thos<> bustles ?" inquired a lady ot one of 0111 clerks the other (lav. H» looked m the dnectiori indicated, and then blushed clear to the loots of hifi hair as he explained to the lady that they were not wne bustles but biseb.ill masks. "S\v, dad, why is a watch called a watch?" " J)on*t know," was the impatient answer. "Because its most ai\va\s on its guard," evcl.uiued the boy as he made good his escape thiough an open wind<iw. B\rnum'.s L\rKs,T At'QUHinoKs.— A Kentuckian without a title. A Bostontan who is not a snol). An interesting Philadelnhian. A gentleman from Chicago, and «t Kew Ymker who would not sell his soul for S— Men are not divorced now in Boston. The term is too emphitic, and now the Bostoniau morel}' "surrenders his bonds.'' Ay exchange editor speaks of "Our Canadian Relation*." It is suspected that they are mostly cashiers. Thk man who met his fate on the gallows took a drop too much.

An article in the North American Review showing the extent to which landlordism, j revails in the United States has .'irtmctad much attention. It appears tha 1 " landlords in same parts of the United States have had to do as many landlords in England have done — take their firms in hand, on account of the ruin of tht>ir tenants. A writer in Bradhtreet's (New York) Mate* that iv consequence of poor cotton crops and low x rices, the tenant farmers in the cotton districts of North Cirolinahave been ruined in large numbers. The custom has been for landowners to let their estates to tenants for a stipulated quantity of cotton or proportion of the crop produced each year, and the Legislature gave them a first charge on the crop till their claims were* satisfied. The teuantH, having but little capital, have had to obtain advances from merchant", who charged high rates of interest on loans necessarily risky, with the landlord's first charge against them. Now after three years of miserably deficient crops, the merchants refine to make further advauce.s, and the landlord* generally will have to farm *;heir land for themselves. Heroism is not yet extinct among English-speaking people, though it may he dying in the Honss of Commons. In December last the American ship Cleopatra was desoiied by Captain Hiiirhes, of the Liverpool steamer Lord Cough, near the St. George Shoal, with her colours at half-mast, ami evidently sinking. The gale and sea were so tciriblo that it seemed madness to help her ; but volunteers came forwaid, and a boat was manned, when suddenly the colours were hauled down. Captain Hughes, however, peiseveied, the desperate adventure succeeded, and the ciew of tiie Cleopatra were saved. The United States Governmeat forwarded thanks and rewards to Captain Hughes and his men ; but noble as their conduct was, Captain Pendleton, of the Cleopatra, had done a nobler tbiug. He was asked why his colours were hauled down, and he replied, "Because we had no boats, and thought it wrong to imperil other lives in a hopeless attempt." The Cleopitra was then water-logged, ami Captain Pendleton and his men faced the certainty of death by drowning rather than tempt others — strangers — into danger. Honour the name of the brave. That deed on the. Cleopatra is equal to the conduct ot the soldiers on the Birkenhead, and should live like it in song